"Growing Up Sucks"

I’m getting older, and things are as they usually do, becoming more difficult than they were as a kid. I’ve got to do my taxes (AHHH) and save money, and be much more responsible than I would have previously been. That’s all fine and good to me, but no one told me that maturing was the part that would take the most energy.

I had an amazing July. not because I was having so much fun and constantly going out, but because I made the decision to cut out the social media in my life, and sit with myself and access what I’ve been doing, and not been doing. It had me so cripplingly sad for days, knowing I had some habits that strained my relationships, and that I was one of the least responsible people I know. It was a saddening realization that I am happy to have had, thanks to not having random Instagram reels play in my ears for hours.

One of the hardest realizations I had was that I had to lose relationships I really thought would be in my life for a long time. Maturing for me was letting go of old situations and holding my head up high, realizing that there is still greatness in store for me.

I had a strained friendship with someone, one of the best people I had ever known. I was upset about this crumbling friendship and expressed my feelings toward it so inadequately, but in a passionate hot tempered type of way. In my head, if we were both cool people and situations arise, we could just overcome it in 30 minutes like a tv sitcom, and never have to think about it again. I tried to make that 30 minute tension episode play out, so I could get back to the normalcy of having no conflict with people. But This was so heavily unrealistic. People are always growing and just recently, I began to grow consistently, not aligning with many things and people that I used to. My mistake in my friendship was being unaware, and not understanding that someone else’s growth is what made them drift away, not because they didn’t like me anymore. We have no bad blood, we just don’t align anymore, no matter how much I wanted us to. But I didn’t want that to be okay.

I refused to accept that someone had decided they needed space, because “I didn’t do anything wrong”. And even when I wanted to acknowledge any wrongdoing, I wasn’t given the opportunity. I realized I was trying to grasp at the frayed ends of the friendship, and as a designer who sews, I know you can’t sew frayed ends back together. It was difficult, but I decided that there was no reason to be angry at this friend, nor at myself. We are good people, and that doesn’t mean we have to be friends forever. I had always from a young age put such a high standard on my friendships, because I wanted those fairytale movie friendships that never ended, and we all died at 85 happy, hand in hand. But as I’m sure any person reading this knows, it usually doesn’t happen like that.

I’m still figuring out so many things about my view on the world and about myself, and despite how sucky the pain makes me feel having realizations, I am glad that I am going through it. I am glad that my discontentment is motivation to live a better life, and to treat people better. In my opinion, I am glad the pain of it all exists. It reminds me day in and day out that I am real, and that pain can always be healed.