Goodbye To My Lover

I am heartbroken.

I am surprised that I can be heartbroken. It's been so long since I felt this strongly for anyone that I believed my heart was permanently calloused. It didn't hurt as much when my first serious boyfriend cheated on me, and it didn't hurt as much when I divorced. I didn't cry either times. I've always been cynical about love and romance. I maintained that Romeo and Juliet would have bickered if they had not killed themselves. Romeo may have had affairs while Juliet complained to her friends about his inattentiveness. Then I met Craig, and I fell hard. I didn't see it coming.

The concrete reason for our breakup was the physical distance between us. But the deciding factor was my fear. He mentioned the issue, but was hesitant to say the words. I freaked out internally and ended it abruptly. I couldn't cope with him ending it first. I feared it would hurt even more if I left it longer. So I stopped all communication with him. I asked him not to contact me because otherwise, we would revert to our flirtatious ways. And it would be too painful if we didn't. Then I wrote to him in less than twelve hours to make a professional arrangement. I felt like I could breathe again the moment I began typing his name as if his name had a direct link to my lungs, as if his name pumped the blood to my heart. But at the same time, it hurt more when I stared at the stark contrast in the tone of our communication.

I feel an immense sadness that I lost a friend. I don't think I would have started had I known I would lose him so soon. Or that it would hurt this much. I envisioned us to be like Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. Lovers forever. Despite what I told him, I was solely devoted to him. I feel like a fool.

I hate that he would be making love to someone else.

I am shocked that I break into spontaneous sobs. Even while I'm crying, I think to myself, "What the fuck? Get a grip!" I know that intense sadness is normal for most broken hearts, but not for me. Not usually. It's a shock to my system to experience this kind of pain. It's like I've been on painkillers all these years. Feeling this much is a jolt to my mind and body. And now I can't stop feeling. I distract myself by going on dates, but for some reason, young beautiful men don't seem to do the trick. I want him. Only him.

Where do I go from here after I've held the deepest and most expansive emotions in my heart? Both pain and passion. Do I choose to feel less so I would hurt less? Or do I throw myself in again and risk the pain?

I doubt he has any idea how deeply I felt for him. After all, I told him I didn't want to commit to anyone when we started our relationship. Since then, my feelings have grown exponentially, but I didn't fill him in on that. No matter my feelings, our circumstances weren't going to change. Theoretically, I didn't want a relationship, but my heart demanded that he be the only one. My lady parts that constantly yearned for him refused to dally.

So, I will say here what I didn't think I could feel.

I love him.

I love him.

I love him.

And it makes me feel alive. Perhaps that's enough.