Gone

Gone

“Three years!” Staring blankly out the window knees pulled to my chest on the wooden bench, despite the crisp rain scented breeze coming in from the lake, I feel as though the air is stagnant and oppressing. The sun as hidden as my smile behind storm clouds on the horizon. I see a tiny ship sailing and I am reminded of how much you loved being on the water.

“Why?” tears streaming down my face as the question leaves the all too familiar sour taste on my swollen lips. Birds float over the water without a care in the world as my heart continues to break. Even the crickets sing as though all is right in the world. I am alone as a dream haze clouds my vision and I am transported back to that fateful day.

Wishing I had not agreed to tutor the next morning as I shuffled through the door of yet another long week of teaching. I was wiped and ready for rest. Bells chimed from my phone signaling mom was calling.

“Hey ma, what’s up?” In my usual greeting and trying to hand Dee to my husband so I could download my weekend load of work as we hadn’t talked all week.

“Have you talked to Michael?” her voice was strained and instantly I was on alert, I knew something wasn’t right. Cocking his head, he mouthed the words “Everything ok?” Shaking my head and shrugging my shoulders I headed for our room.

“Not yet, I just walked in the door. What’s going on?”

“Your brother was found this morning.” Those were the last words I registered fully. Dropping the phone, Michael came running as I had not yet made it to the bedroom yet. I couldn’t even utter a sound. A river of scolding tears blinded me, yet somehow, I managed to pick up my phone.

“How?” was all I could muster as the pain began wrenching a hole in my heart and threatening to tear me in two.

I know she told me, but all I kept thinking was my brother was gone and I was alone. How can this be? How can he be gone? In my mind I was screaming. I don’t even remember hanging up my phone.

Eventually I eeked out the words that my little brother was gone. Pulling me to his chest, Michael just held me tight and let me soak his shirt with my tears. Ugly tears and sobs wracked my body and a numbing sensation creeped in. The Novocain like sensation stayed as I attempted to live my life for the next week.

Stepping off the plane I could barely breathe, it was hitting home I would not be seeing my little brother this trip. In that moment it became real and the Novocain wore off and hatred filled me. I was angry he had left me.

The next day the numbness returned until I saw him. Shaking my head staring at the lifeless husk I no longer saw my little brother, but just that, and empty shell. The laughter was silenced, and his crystal blue eyes forever closed. I tried to relish in the thought of him no longer in pain, but the emotions ripping through me would’ve crippled even the strongest man on earth.

As they played the song “I am Redeemed” by Big Daddy Weave the waterworks threatened to mar my makeup. Reaching for yet another tissue I dabbed at the corners to stave off the impending bursting dam, but when I saw my husband stand and walk to the front with five others and lead the processional of pallbearers as they wheeled the casket to the waiting hearse the dam broke and streaks shown through my makeup. I held my two daughters with all I had as Vannah’s shoulders shook with each heart wrenching sob.

Now here we are three years later. The pain is as fresh now and gut wrenching as ever. I hold my breath every time I hear “I Am Redeemed” in silent prayers I won’t start sobbing.

As I look out this window over the lake, I see no end on the horizon, I only see a tiny ship sailing into the storm and yet unphased by it. I want to be on that ship if it means I see you again. If it means I hear your laughter one more time. If it means I get one more of your brotherly hugs telling me you’re O.K.

No amount of time can pass to fill this hole you left behind. Though I have learned to go on, I miss you every day. My only consolation is in your second niece as she not only has your mannerisms, but also your crystal blue eyes. When she peers up at me, I see you and I can smile and breathe normally for a moment knowing you are still here in my heart.