Gaslights Illuminate Manipulation

I wish more people understood what it feels like to believe they are truly losing their minds. I mean this in a very literal sense. Not that I want people to suffer like I am suffering, but just that they understood that the obvious solutions aren't always as easy as they may seem.

I feel like I am starting to go insane, and I already have issues with my mental health aside from what's happening in my current relationship. It is so bizarre to love the person who is slowly driving you mad by varying degrees of emotional and psychological abuse. If you have never heard of the term "gaslighting", allow me to let you in on what it feels like to begin doubting yourself, your reality and your sanity.

There is a type of abuse that can be so subtle, that at first, it is often hardly detectable. By the time a victim realizes what has been happening to them, it's possible that major damage has already been done. In particularly bad situations, the extent, severity or duration of the abuse can cause life altering trauma for the victim. Victims with a history of childhood trauma are often targets for these predators, and they hunt us like animals.

This type of emotional/psychological abuse usually happens slowly over a long period of time. It can be disguised in many different behaviors and language, but doesn't usually raise the proverbial red flags we are all taught to watch out for. At least, not right away. Like I mentioned before, by the time a victim realizes they are being treated badly, the abuse has likely been happening for a period of time.

Gaslighting can be disguised in good deeds and good behaviors just as easily as occasional impolite comments or white lies. It's like a snake in the grass, so to speak, and that is why it is so dangerous. Gaslighting is a technique abusers use to diminish their victim's sense of self with the goal of the victim eventually doubting their own feelings and surroundings. The abuser gains trust from their victim and attempts to isolate them from friends and family while also making their victim feel unsafe in their own skin by blaming them for things that often never even occurred.

Severe cases can lead to psychosis, mental breakdowns, suicidal thoughts, or self harm in varying degrees. Less severe cases can damage a person's ability to trust others or even themselves, without ever truly making a full recovery. At the very least, it will cause a victim to experience low self esteem, mistrust, interference in interpersonal relationships and a wide range of mental and emotional distress.

The term gaslighting was derived from a movie of the same title where a man slowly drove his wife insane by manipulating her reality in bizarre, yet nearly undetectable ways. She starts to question her sanity when she begins to notice these subtle differences in her everyday life. Her husband is the mastermind behind all of these minute differences she begins to become aware of, but he convinces her they aren't happening. When she confides in him that she insists things are different or not in line with what she once knew to be true, he denies anything is different. By the end, she slowly slips into insanity.

This is happening to me right now. I am being gaslighted. I know, because it's happened to me before. This is how dangerous this type of abuse can be. I see the signs, and they are all textbook examples. However, I think to myself, it can't be as bad as I think it is. I must be over reacting. This person wouldn't do this to me. He's a nice guy. I love him. I've been manipulated like this before. I would be able to recognize it, accept it, and leave the relationship as soon as I start to have doubts. Right?

Sadly, that's not the case. It really IS a total mind fuck. If it has happened to you once, you are more vulnerable to getting sucked into this cycle of abuse again. If you had a parent or childhood influence who was emotionally or psychologically abusive, your chances of appearing like a beacon in the dark for these predators are much higher. You are statistically more prone to accept their abusive behavior as well, often times blaming yourself for not noticing soon enough. You will likely try to minimize the severity of how they've been treating you, and believe it must be your fault or something you did or didn't do. Even if you KNOW it's not your fault, these people are masterminds at making you believe it is.

An example of how subtle this type of abuse can be could the simple rewording of a conversation that keeps popping up over a period of time. The initial conversation that seemed relatively harmless but it was still hurtful. Maybe they asked about a bruise on your leg during the initial conversation. You got it when you bumped into a branch while pruning your fig tree. Maybe they asked you if it was a fingerprint from another person, insinuating that you might have cheated on them. No, you got it from gardening. You're sure. You remember when it happened. You even go out and show them which branch it was that jabbed you. They say they believe you, but their body language says they don't. The conversation ends awkwardly, kind of unfinished.

A few days or weeks later, the topic comes up again, and you mention how hurt you were that they would think you ever cheated on them. Only this time, they look at you like you're crazy and tell you that they never said anything like that. They might ask if there IS any reason they SHOULD think you've cheating. It was YOU who brought it up this time. All you can say is, "But you asked about that bruise..." They will deny ever saying anything remotely close to what you KNOW they said in the initial conversation. There isn't a recording or a text to prove otherwise, so the seed of doubt is planted. What you "know" turns into "what you thought you knew" pretty quickly, especially if they are masters at this type of manipulation.

A more severe example could be a verbal argument they recently started over nothing. Whatever it is they wanted to fight over was entirely your fault. The only thing is that you never did/said what they said you did. They decided to start packing and threaten to leave you. Out of frustration, you threw a glass at an empty wall, but they appeared out of a doorway to dart in front of the flying glass, and it hit them instead of the empty wall. No one was even close to the wall when you threw it, or were they? This was a terrible accident. Or was it? You should have never thrown that glass. You are left feeling guilty and ashamed. Maybe you are even convinced that this whole situation was your fault for them ever feeling like you betrayed them....even though you never did.

Instead of them taking responsibility for starting the fight, they called you an abuser. They called you violent, crazy and many other unsavory things. You knew the wall was an empty space before the glass left your hand. It was never intended to hit or hurt anyone. They told you that you were/are a malicious and mean person. They told you that they could call the police and have you arrested. They said that you were/are lucky that they would never do that to you. They take pictures of their bloody arm so they have "proof" of how violent of a person you can be "in case they ever need it". Even though it was an accident, you question if it really was. You didn't intend to hurt them, but now they have to pictures to prove that you did. You feel even worse about yourself.

One night you are getting ready for bed, and you notice you taste onions on your breath, but don't remember eating anything with onions that day. You are muttering to yourself but also speaking aloud and say, "Maybe I REORDERED the pizza from last week?", where you mistakenly asked for no olives instead of no onions.

They immediately get defensive and ask you "Who is WE?" Confused, you say "I".... "I reordered the pizza..." But they tell you that you definitely said WE ORDERED instead of REORDERED and demand to know who the other half of WE is. You feel like an idiot trying to back pedal while you swear you said "reordered" instead of "we ordered", but it's no use. They are back to accusing you of something you never said or did, and there isn't anything you can say to make them believe you. Even though you were/are one hundred percent sure of what you originally said, it causes you to question if you may have accidentally said what they thought they heard. But you KNOW there isn't any WE besides you and them. But.... you start feeling guilty again, even though you never did anything wrong.

Eventually you become so worried about what they might think when you go out with certain friends that you stop seeing or talking to the people that cause any doubt about your behavior in your relationship. Eventually, you start to notice your social circle getting much smaller. You begin to feel isolated. This is exactly how they want you to feel. Eventually you might only feel safe talking to or hanging out with one or two people from your social circle. Maybe you don't feel safe talking to any friends outside of your relationship. Maybe you start to think that your friends don't really like you that much anyway, because your abuser tells you that they say horrible things behind your back, and you believe them. They've never said anything bad about you before. They tell you they haven't, but you don't believe them anymore.

This abusive person may even try to turn you against your own family members. The sad thing is, a victim of gaslighting often times starts to believe that the people closest to them are out to destroy their relationship because THEY are the ones trying to control them, not their abuser. The victim might even begin to blame their own family for the struggle in their relationship. The abuser may convince their victim that their parents are the real problem causing all the fighting and distress, and the victim eventually believes them. Now they have their victim at odds with their own family. Maybe they suggest moving away with them, so this problem can be eliminated. Eventually it starts to sound like a logical and practical thing to do.

The other half of the gaslighter's behavior is the "good side". They might take their victim on trips, buy expensive gifts, or nurture them in other ways that they know their victim is craving or wanting. They reward their victim as much as they abuse them. This is why it can be so confusing. Maybe the sex is amazing. Maybe the gaslighter constantly tells their victim how much better their victim sleeps when they are they are together, and the victim starts to believe them. I've heard this behavior being referred to as "love bombing". They'll do anything they can to make the victim believe that nobody else could fill their shoes if they ever left. They try to convince their victim that their life would almost be unlivable without them, and the victim eventually believes they are right.

I mentioned this is currently happening to me. These are all specific examples of things that have happened in just the past two weeks. The abuse started off so undetectable. I cant even recall anything specific. But, like I said, I've been through this before, so I know it was always there. As you can see, I am well aware of whats happening, and it feels like I'm going fucking crazy. When he's nice, he is an incredible person. When he doesn't get what he wants or doesn't feel that I am paying enough attention to him, he makes me pay for it by isolating me and manipulating me to feel awful about myself... like nobody else would ever want me.

Abusers often get more brave and sloppy with their behavior as time goes on. Most recently, we were out to dinner when he told me that he was having a conversation with my best girlfriend about our sex life. According to him, she told him that I told her that he was the best sexual partner I had ever had and proceeded to ask him what "his technique" was.

First of all, I am SURE I never told her that because it's not true. Secondly, she is very happy in her relationship, and I know she'd never ask any of my boyfriends a question like that. BUSTED. However, he persisted that it was true. So, I had to ask her.

Of course I called her up, prefacing that I didn't believe a word he said, but I needed to hear it from her to feel at ease. She was so upset that I felt I had to ask her, and now she isn't talking to me. Remember when I said these types of abusers like to make you feel isolated? Well, mission accomplished. She told me to leave her out off my drama. I knew she'd never say anything like that, but I just had to make sure. I was duped into doubting me best friend of twenty years.

Nobody wants to feel like they are gullible, stupid or crazy. Unfortunately, that is exactly what a gaslighter is hoping they'll reduce their victim to. They want their victim all to themselves. They want their victim's self esteem to be diminished to nothing. They want their victim to be dependent on them for any positive feeling they might have.

When the gaslighter finally succeeds in getting their victim to their lowest, they usually leave them for one of two reasons. The victim no longer has any positive feelings left to feed their ego. Or the challenge or game has ended for them, and they need new stimulation from a fresh victim. Often times, these abusers go from relationship to relationship with little to no time in between.

The saddest thing is that the victim is often scarred for life after a relationship like this. If they were treated in a similar way by a parent as a child, these abusers continue to seem attractive only because their behavior is what the victim identifies as love or affection because it feels familiar to them. Familiarity is comforting on some level no matter how terrible the situation might be.

This is me. I am one of those people. This is my third relationship where I have been able to identify the trademarks of this type of abuse. Last time it took me almost six years to accept what was happening. This time, I have managed to identify the behavior in just over a year. But we are still together and in counseling, because I want to make this work.

Something is programmed into the essence of my being that if I just try harder, or do better, get stronger, build better boundaries, or stay the course... I'll finally be loved like every person deserves to be loved. It's mortifying to admit this. It's even more painful to admit that my heart still loves this person who is so obviously manipulating me and hurting me on purpose.

I know I'm not alone. I'm working on making better choices for myself. I am seeing a therapist outside of couples counseling, and it's helping. If you're in a similar situation, don't put a guilt trip on yourself. It's not your fault that you are confused. However, it is your fault if you continue to believe this is the way it has to be. It doesn't.

I'm not here to tell you to give up on your marriage or relationship or live life on your own. That choice is strictly yours to make and nobody else's business. However, I encourage you to think about a bigger and brighter future for yourself. Find it in yourself that you are worth the kind of love that everyone deserves. Love is accepting, patient and kind, not exclusive, limiting or abusive.

It's not going to be easy. It really sucks to be in this situation. But every mile of the path that leads you to believe that you are worth being loved exactly as you are is worth the travel. You aren't alone.