From the ashes of her death

Decided to stop by a local tavern on the way home from work, have a beer, and shoot a couple of games of pool. Met a man who played well, battled for a couple of hours trading wins, and one mistake gave the other the chance to run the table out. This level of play did not go unnoticed by the bartender who eventually became my future wife. Noticing my loss and coming to get more beers, she said to me, “You’re playing a lot of games quickly.” I said, “It happens when you run the table a lot.” She said, “That guy doesn’t lose very much.” He was her brother.

This observation earned me a date and eventual lifelong marriage with the one woman I was ever to fall in love with. Bought a house, made a home with the birth of our daughter. Lost the house through the predator lending years of the early 2000s. And after a major earthquake in 2001 in Seattle, WA she twisted her leg so bad that it was the start of chronic pain for the next twelve years. In 2009 we moved to Hawaii where the heat and cool trade winds eased the pain, she endured every day. The evening of January 9, 2013, she had a terrible headache that merited an emergency room visit. At 9:30 pm she had a massive seizure causing the staff to go into full-tilt mode. At 11:30 pm the attending doctor told me she was brain dead. I informed her that she was a registered donor. Legacy of Life was called right away and came out within two hours of the call. Meanwhile, called my daughter and had a ticket waiting for her at the airport in Seattle and arrived the next morning by 11:00 am Thursday. Spent that day waiting for Legacy of life finding recipients for my wife’s gifts of life.

Friday, January 11, 2013, the doctor removed life support, holding her warm hand until there was no more pulse and the warmth left in her hand. The doctor called the time of death on January 11, 2013. I do not wish this event for anyone to experience. It gives a new perspective on the meaning of life and how precious it really is. Little did I know that by taking my wife to the emergency room she would not be coming home again. That was the day I truly started life all over again. My home was no longer a home. Just a place to stay and function as a human being. Trying to find new meaning in life worth living. The nurse at Legacy of Life knew what I was going through and helped provide grief counseling. I found a little bit of comfort giving speeches about the wonderful gifts of life my wife gave through her death. Once there was nothing left for her to give, I fulfilled her wish of being cremated. And from those ashes, I too found life again. I would always have her with me for a while. Then I gave the ashes to our daughter to hold until it is my turn to be ashes. We will be together again swirling in the sea of our daughter’s choosing. I thought Hawaii would be romantic. But who cares we would be dead?

Since my wife’s passing, I have held speeches on her behalf about the importance of being an organ donor. How it will save the lives of those still living. Every year a memorial luncheon is held for the families of the donors. Going every other year, I found myself drinking for a week to self-medicate the pain I felt that day. Realizing after the fifth year that I was doing this I stopped going to the luncheon. It was the beginning of letting go of my grief. I went back to helping the people I could in the best way I can and this helped me move on. Having been raised military and a former US Marine I bottled up all that grief and put it away in a dark place. And every time it showed itself, I found myself fighting the demons within. This internal war went on for eight years.

Returning to Seattle to a sick mother and she too passed 3.02.2019. Bringing back the question to the meaning of life. I guess if you have a purpose of some kind then you have something to live for. If not for yourself but for others. My new purpose in life was to see every one of my mother’s close and personal relatives she talked to on a regular basis until her death. This took me to the East coast, West coast, and the Philippine Islands. Eventually, I returned to Washington DC to receive treatment for prostate cancer. After completion of treatment, I was going to move on to Las Vegas, Nevada or Honolulu, Hawaii.

These plans all changed when I met a person who is a great pool shooter. With a little guidance and encouragement can be one of the best in the area. I found through her that I am ready to let go of the grief I had within for my wife. I planned to go back to the west to find new friends and another life. What I realized just recently is that I have new friends and another new life right in front of me. I just must learn how to interact with my new friends and life. For all intent and purposes, I have started all over again. Needing to read books on how men and women interact in today’s world of text messages and emails.

I find the constant stirring of emotions swirling within a roller coaster of difficulties with these new relationships. How one survives in the constant text and nonresponse is beyond me. I found myself waiting all day for a text or phone call to go play pool. I finally decided that enough was enough. I pledged unconditional friendship. But it also meant that the friendship would be returned in kind. This has failed to happen consistently for weeks. One can only wait for so long and then move on. Moving on has been put into action. Interaction for playing on the team and team business will still be handled courteously and respectfully within the guidelines of being the team captain and trainer. There will be nothing more but professional courtesy.

Through all that I have experienced with the loss of my wife and finding someone that helped me become ready for someone new, I only regret that this person was not to be part of my new life.

In all things I had of my wife is all gone but one small piece of cloth I keep as a memory of her. It says: ‘It’s not how many breaths you take, but how many times your breath is taken away.’ For me, I really believe that looking for those moments is what is utterly worth living life. I end this with something I wrote recently when I knew I was ready for a new relationship.

Paths we walk.

In every life comes a time where we feel, see, or hear the path we must walk through life. For some, it can be a great and wonderful experience. For others, a daily nightmare filled with pain and sorrow. Sometimes we knowingly choose these paths. Others find a path by discovery. We all go through life seeking the path that should be for us. Some have no choice of their path because of birth into wealth or in poverty, each feels they had no choice and resent it. The choice is to walk the path or find a path of their choice. At the end of a life lived, one may have walked many a path of choice or one of fate. But it is these paths that inscribed the life one lived. May you choose your path wisely.