Far Away

Missing him now feels like my heart is breaking down. Especially in the silence.

I’m trying so hard to stay fine.

He liked a song this week that is like a classical type tune called "can’t take my eyes off of you" and that song literally went straight to my soul.

To imagine him calling me darling or pretty baby? Or just baby? Or anything else that’s endearing and sweet.

That makes me feel so weak just thinking about it.

I said "I love you too", after giving so many explanations whether needed or not, but feeling in a sense that I covered my bases.

I was shaking so much, he makes me so nervous. He’s the only one that’s got me open like a book.

I pray he loves me so much, because I’ve felt that so many times.

In the way he gives me attention, in the way he has showed me he cares about me. In the ways he’s given me his time.

I’m feeling like I shouldn’t tease him anymore. I want to be playful, but I’m feeling like he doesn’t want to be anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I have the whole world when he’s with me and other times I feel like I’m just in the dark alone.

It’s very quiet and there’s pressure I feel in my heart that I’ve done something wrong or said something I shouldn’t have.

I’ve been waiting for such an important update to give him and it hasn’t come, is that why?

The lyrics of that most recent song spoke to me in so many ways.

I wish I was with him.

In his arms, with him in my arms.

I pray he never lets me go.

I pray to be the woman of his dreams.

He’s the man of my dreams.

I feel so powerless when there’s nothing I can do.

There’s nothing I can say to make anything happen faster.

All I can do and have had to do is wait.

For everything I’ve gotten through this year I’ve had to wait and it’s been so many tears.

So much vulnerability on my end.

I’ve been so raw with him to points where I was so sure he wouldn’t speak with me anymore or that he would’ve said for me to leave him alone.

Instead, each and every time he has shown me his care, presence and love whether in our conversations or through music.

He’s been there and has listened to me every step of the way.

Is he studying me?

My reactions?

My likes/dislikes?

Me?

I pray I’m so fascinating to him.

He’s always been so fascinating to me.

Have I studied him?

The ways I’ve observed and fell in love with all of his behaviors, with his phases?

I miss all of him so much.

Being away from him for this long has felt like such a punishment.

There’s nothing I can do or say and it just makes it so much worse.

I want to see him.

I want to listen to him.

I want to follow him, cling to him.

I want to belong to him.

I want to write him love notes.

I want to surprise him on his birthday.

I want to spend time with him.

I want to see him smile at me.

He’s everything I miss.

I’m trying so hard not to panic.

I told him I trust him.

I told him I trust him to plan when we see each other again.

He has trusted me for so long.

Being without him scares me so much.

He’s my hero, my blessing.

He’s my desire. I crave all of him all the time.

I crave his physical presence, scent, his voice…

Hashem please help me.

Please don’t let me mess this up.

This entire journey has been so long.

I’m so emotionally and mentally exhausted.

He’s all I’ve ever wanted.

I feel his presence in some places we’ve been together or that I saw him.

I never want to lose his love, care, presence.

I never want him to grow cold with me.

I wish I could see him, touch him.

I’m so sick of crying because there’s nothing I can do.

I wish I could wake up to him and see him smile at me.

I miss dressing up to see him.

He’s my whole heart.

I don’t want to love anyone else.

I pray he’s distant because he’s planning something so special for both of us.

I pray I’m still his home the way he is mine.

Hashem, I miss home. I just want to go home.

I’m so sorry for everything I did to deserve this.

He’s just so far away.