Everything I Want to Say to You

"What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?" - Vincent Van Gogh

Do you think I should try it? It may not be a good idea. I fall fast and hard, every single time. Just because of a little bit of attention and interest, you threw my way, here I go again. In a way, I know it is wrong, and so do you. You should know better than I do since you have known it longer than I have. There are rules for a reason, especially against whatever this is.

What are we? Is it too soon to ask? You're my superior; should we even be doing this? I highly doubt it, but it is fun, right? All these questions are for you, and I don't know how to ask them. And here I am. All in. I'm breaking my heart over you before there is any reason. I hope you won't do it later, but I'm still anticipating it. Is that a good enough reason, or am I just self-sabotaging? Will I break your heart?

I want a relationship, desperately to be loved by someone unrelated to me. You have already been there, and it didn't work out with the last person. Of course, relationships happen all the time, but not the kinds that are supposed to be permanent. Not anymore, at least. The world has changed quite a bit in that aspect. I've never had a permanent relationship. I was supposed to, but it didn't stick, luckily. He wasn't good for me. Would you be?

I can't help but think that you're going to give up on me. Get tired of me. I can be really, REALLY annoying, and it's not even intentional. I get really angry about the dumbest things, things I can't control. I want you to know me deeply and intricately so you can understand my mind and soul. I am here, unsure of what life is. I'm not much younger than you and am much more mature than I should be, but I have been broken so badly. So deeply that it has affected everything in me. Have you noticed yet?

The way I think and behave. I get trapped in my mind, so sometimes I don't seem the brightest. I know you've noticed that. That part of me is impossible to miss. It's part of why you have a fraction of attraction for me: you think it's cute. Being ditzy is one of my specialties. You're just going to have to bear with me on that. You know we'll be seeing more of each other pretty soon. I need you to be patient, but I digress.

I am still so confused and unsure of all of this. How will we work together if this doesn't end well? I am so very emotional, and you aren't. I may not express more than contentment, exhaustion, or frustration, but everything I feel is always there. Buried very deeply from the surface, roaring like a turbulent ocean. I want you to know I am constantly feeling, even if it doesn't seem like it. I don't want you to see it, though. I don't want you to know that I am ripping myself apart just contemplating all of this. I don't know what is normal or right in this situation. I want to know how you feel about it all so that I know what I can say to you.

I don't know if I want all of you, but I also don't want you to give yourself to someone else. I'm certainly not. I barely interact with anyone other than you and my family. I don't like losing people, so I try really hard not to add anyone that I could lose into my life. You snuck your way through the barrier. I was doing so well, although not entirely okay, but I was doing much better. Why did you sneak in? Did you realize what you were doing when you did?

I'm so lost in all of these thoughts, all of these things that I want you to know. Do you want to know them? I think it's best you don't. I don't think I will ever tell you. I probably should, but we shouldn't be doing what we are in the first place. No. I am not going to tell you. Not for a long time, at least.