Lost

Who am I? The question remains in my mind. It began after my first child. I had no idea who I was anymore, but I was too young to actually know then either. Then, after that I joined the Army. When I came home after joining the Army, it was rough. My scheduled daily routine no longer existed. It may have only been six months, but it certainly had a mental impact. Barely able to function in normal society anymore, I had to push through.

After those instances, I became lost again after my child moved to a different state because I was supposed to deploy. I still had no idea who I was. Instead of deploying, I accidentally became pregnant with my second child. My second little angel. Since I hadn't deployed, I knew I needed to be with my first child, but I had to wait until the second was born and I was cleared to leave. Once I was cleared, I left to rejoin my oldest child with his little brother.

I lived in Maine for a few years, trying to find myself. Along came my third and final child. He was just as beautiful and sweet as the other two. But I had dug myself deeper into a hole of losing myself. I had never found myself in that time; I hadn't even begun to scratch the surface. Years of searching and waiting. Praying and begging for answers. Three children and their lost mother. Was I even ready for this? I even remained in the Army, looking for a sense of purpose outside of being a mother.

It took a while, but it really just hit me one day while journaling. I know exactly who I am. I am a mother of three beautiful boys. I am a diligent soldier in the Army, preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I am a loving daughter who takes care of her mom every single day. I am strong, I am loving, and I am me. The me I have always been, growing and learning, loving someone and getting my heart broken. I will never really lose myself, I'll just be distracted by the change for a while. I will learn to overcome the fear of being lost, because I never really was truly lost, just scared and distracted.

I love who I am, I love who I will become as I grow old. Most of all I love my boys for teaching me that they were always meant to help me grow, as I am always meant to love and teach them. I know who I am now and I am proud. Even if I find myself feeling lost, all I need is my boys to pull me back to reality. I may be many things, but over all I am a weird, quirky mom. Whoever I was before I was a mom, was a teenager who didn't know anything yet, which is fine. Teenagers aren't supposed to know who they are quite yet. They have plenty of time to figure it out, and I didn't know until I was twenty-four.

Sometimes finding yourself isn't as complicated on going on a crazy trip or doing something that says, "YOLO". Sometimes finding yourself is as simple as what you have done already and just knowing that you are who you are, even if you feel lost. You'll always be there, even if it's confusing. Realizing it's okay to not know who you are because, even if you don't want to, you'll always be changing and that's okay.