Entering 30's

When I Heard about this Identity challenge, I thought to myself "This is so perfect" as I had just gone through my 30th birthday and it made me reflect on things a little deeper than usual. I opened up my journal and the blank page nearly mocked me, since I had so much, I wanted to write down.

Growing up, I was always so sure of myself. I knew what I liked, what I disliked, what were my favorite films, how much I have traveled, where I have traveled, my hobbies, my interests. I thought everything was so clear, it was clearer than glass, it was so transparent to me. Then, I finally landed a job I loved and got married, my life seemed to be falling into place like it was supposed to.

However, about a week before my 30th birthday I was freaking out, I was not ready to be old. When you're 29 you think you have so much life ahead of you, but it hit me like a brick wall, my back would be hurting without a cause, my whole body was going to start aching and then i have an expectation to have children, which I do want but I am not ready to be grown-up, I don't want my life to be completely taken over by children yet, but knowing that my mom hit menopause earlier than expected I am worried the same thing will happen with me. I feel like as soon as you have children, you can no longer be selfish and your whole life is dedicated aorund your children. I do want children do not get me wrong, but I don't want to yet because that means I will be old. All of these thoughts kept coming into my mind and my brain recycled the same idea again and again. Then, I think it was day prior to my birthday I realized that I did my 20's right, I did it all. I traveled, I got to meet my nephews, I got to see my older siblings get married, I did a lot of growing up. Then, the thought about having children was not at all bad. I did everything in my life I wanted to achieve. I have a fantastic job, I have a great husband, I have seen Europe, I did a French course in Quebec. I lived so much in short period of time, my 30's are going to be a different era in my life. I might live in another city, or might be exactly where I am right now, I might give birth to a child or two or three, I might get pregnant, I might live in a van for a while, I might travel even more than I already have.

There is a list of things I would like to achieve in my 30's which is:

-Travel

-Go on a cruise

-Get pregnant

-Give birth to a healthy baby

-Own a home (not necessarily a house because I live in Canada)

-Go on Maternity leave

-Figure out where to go shopping for clothes in my 30's

Even though there are many things I would like to achieve I feel like I know myself more than I ever thought possible. I love going to all-inclusive resorts, I have social anxiety, which is lessening. I love being an administrative assistant, I like switching jobs to challenge myself, I do not have any close friends because I know that I will have to pretend to be someone I am not and that's too exhausting or they will move on or disappoint me in some way, my sisters mean everything to me, I hate shopping with other people. I would rather spend time alone than to be fake with others. Small talk really gets on my nerves unless if it's someone new, I daydream a lot, I fear that the fantasy book I wrote will be rejected by publishers or that no one will read it, I am afraid of letting people down, I am hard on myself. I love being creative even though I still paint like I am eight years old; I love to write even if it is just for me to enjoy. These are all elements that make me who I am, and I could not be happier as I continue to grow and improve on who I am.

Cheers~