Empty Gap of Love

I rode back home at 1:30 am after Nikhil's birthday party, a lil bit drunk after series of shots and drowsy after trying Indian dance we watched on Youtube. I kept on cycling and didn't try to locate where I was on google maps, since I was heading to the Nieuwe Krek, the tallest landmark of the city. Delft, as usual, was totally empty like a zombie city. It was nobody on the street.

It was a bit chilly and I was only wearing a sport jacket and a silly graphic, secondhand Indian shirt that I got on King's day that says "Indian railways: 150 years bringing people closer" with a chaotic Indian train scene of angry people shouting at each other. So funny. I wanted to flex this and my friends were so amazed praising my 1 euro shirt. I was so grateful of them. They know nothing about me, and vice versa, but they welcome me to their house! During cycling; a very strong and cold wind suddenly stroked my hair, and I suddenly got this ephiphany: it turns out that some people can love me.. although they don't know what I have achieved.

I just knew that it's possible!

Up to this moment, I thought I need to accomplish something in order to be loved, or accepted. I trained to do so: If I didn't get X, I'd be punished. I was born from 90s from emerging nations, so Youtube wasn't existed back then so TV was my ultimate happiness. Cardcaptor Sakura was my favorite when I was 7 and I have been waiting for a week to watch it..... One time, I couldn't sleep on Sunday morning because I was too excited to watch that cartoon and mom found out so I wasn't allowed to get out of my bed. If I cried at school whatever the reasons were, I'd be grounded and couldn't play out for the day. I tried to explain that my teacher slapped and hitting on me; and that caucasian boy bullied me, but mom thought I was lying. Or plausibly, she taught me to be strong. It wasn't that I wanted to rebel against the grownups' will...... but there were several circumstances that I couldn't control, like excitement nor fear..

Anyway, I don't wanna blame anyone because my parents are indeed very lovely and a good one with long-term vision. They raised me well since I can function normally and survive in this harsh society without them.. that's the greatest unconditional love of parenthood! However, my conditioning is a product of a conditioned reward and punishment system. I unconsciously grow up with this mentality: since I am not that beautiful, if I don't earn status or money, noone would love me.. or accept me.. and my partner would cheat on me. My friends would degrade me and won't include me into their circle. However, as my world expanded, so does the peak of the mountain of the world. What I have achieved is just an ‘average’ now and I need to attain more to be better. I live with this fear and constantly trying to collect endless accomplishments as my accessories for others to love.

That is pathetic. It prevents me from seeing the basic goodness of love. I deal with people-pleasing, entertaining behaviors, learning how to master a perfect persona. After 27 years old living on Earth, I just realized that people would welcome strangers into their homes, but I did the same, too. I hang out with people not because of their achievements nor their looks.. I enjoy someone who willing to stroll with me in the public park or watch Netflix at home with cheap beers. I, do too, before married asking myself, ‘if something happen and he would be bedrested for his whole life and everything would be on me that I should change his diapers and feed him: would I still love him and stay by his side?’ — and I answer without a doubt, YES!!! and at that moment, I know he is the one.

However, if something happens to me, I don’t know if people would remain the same. But it does not matter, at least in this short momentary snapshot, I feel what love is.. and I am the love itself.

I arrived home feeling fuller than before. An email notification rang and I had a quick look. It was from quora and a person named ‘Brian Chung’ answered my A&A:

“In the past, the Eastern Sages have listed three types of accomplishments: Virtue, Good Deeds, Good Words.

Thus, strive to help people with kindness and compassion, and cultivate temperance and patience. Moreover, say nice (and sincere things) whenever you can. Approach all with a smile and warm disposition.

These are the types of accomplishments that will not only heal you (i.e because that’s what good karma does), but also get you the happiness and good company you seek.”

Love has became a buzz word, similar to ‘climate change’ and ‘ethics’. Their real meanings have been deteriorated and I mistook ‘love’ as 'materialistic success'. Living by competing in accomplishment-oriented aggressive world, I would not earn pure friendship but dogshit.

This is how universe tried to reach me teaching me about spiritual accomplishment that I supposed to seek. 
In the name of heaven, earth, hell and man, I bow down.