Don't Hesitate

I was 14 years old when I saw him. He was standing in the school quad, sun shining directly on him. It was early spring where everything seemed possible. I noticed how soft his brown hair looked. It was straight down in front of his face, you know, that Justin Bieber looking phase, before we even knew who JB was. I was immediately crushing hard but of course me being the lovely introvert that I am, I did not, could not, say anything to him. I mean come on; I was only in the 7th grade. Next thing I knew, he was some how dating my best friend?? Yes, just like the plot directly from any adolescent movie there is.. but this was MY LIFE. How in the hell did they even know each other I pondered as my world was quite literally swirling around me. Play it cool, I thought, I really had no other choice. All my friends from elementary school dropped me as quick as flies flock to shit. Why you may ask? well that’s for a different time, doesn’t matter now. What matters is that I couldn’t afford to lose anymore friends. It was a miracle I found this one. The rest of my “friends” were honestly just friends of hers. Friends by association if you will.

Anyway, back to the soul crushing story at hand… how do I handle the five million feelings flooding the entirety of my tiny prepubescent body. Yes, as grown up as I thought I was, I had yet to even start my period. When would it start?! I could not wait to feel like a woman, I thought at the time. Man, was I stupid.

Well, as it always does, life continued to move on. I had to watch my best friend make out with the boy of my dream’s countless times. And they could really make out.. one time specifically will forever be burned into my mind. Rolling around, on MY bed, limbs entangled like a giant pretzel. Then there’s me, staring at my television trying to pretend like I don’t know what is going on directly behind me. Oh, the situations I got myself into, the lines I let people cross.. the joys of being a teen (insert eye roll).

Unfortunately, I just did not have the confidence in myself to let this boy go. Eventually, we got to know each other better, you know, when he wasn’t tonguing another girl. Before I knew it, he was telling me that he liked me. FINALLY. In reality, I had lost my best friend, and of course, all the friends that went along with her, and gained a boyfriend. I had “won” I guess… and it truly did feel like winning at the time. We continued to date and soon enough, I was back to being friends with my best friend. It never really went back to the way it was, but I was glad to have the friendship back as well as the boy I liked as my boyfriend. That is, until we broke up and they got back together, then they broke up and we got back together. I cringe as I look back at this time in my life.

That last time we got back together stuck. All through the 8th grade, and even through high school. Friends came and went, but he remained through it all. My parents absolutely loved him, especially my mom and he became part of my family. As I did his. I did not know this at the time but this turned out to be an extremely co-dependent relationship that I shit you not, lasted TEN YEARS. Yes, I said that correctly, ten whole years. We began dating at the age of 15, our birthdays were only 20 days apart. I ended this relationship at the age of 25..

It took me almost entirely losing my identity and a mental health crisis (again, story for another time) to finally do what was best for me. For the first time in such a long time I made the choices for my life. Just me. And I could not have been more terrified and lost. I went down a long, dark road, full of addiction and attachment. Facing demons and years of torments was the focus of my life. It remained my focus, all while going back to school, finding a job I love. I was constantly grieving what I lost in life, the time, myself, the abuse, what I had given up. Fighting with my family. The all-consuming anger. The alcohol consumption. Smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.

Then all of the self-reflection turned to self-love and acceptance. I began to feel less anxiousness and more at peace. I knew what I had survived, all on my own most of the time and I was proud of who I had become. I gained friends who accepted me for exactly who I am. I began to learn how to disagree and express myself in a healthy manner. I began to set boundaries and to accept people and situations for what they were.

It was early May 2020. I was kayaking with my dad and new friend I had met through work. I had one of the deepest conversations with this friend that I had ever had.. with anyone. We went to an island, got out of our kayaks and dove into the freezing water. I was howling and laughing. We then met up with new friends, I talked without hesitation or over thinking. We all laughed and talked with my dad. It was in those moments throughout that day, I was my true authentic self. Someone I forgot was in there for too long.

Life is too short. Be YOU.