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Do YOU Hate Yourself?

Join the club.

By S. FrazerPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
4

I need to find the self-loathers on here.

The people like me who look back on their lives and shriek internally.

Trying to find an angle for the (No) Regrets Challenge was a nightmare. Vocal asked me to go back and examine a lifetime of idiocy, humiliation, and mortifying mistakes. It was a lot harder than I had expected.

Because my entire existence is one never-ending embarrassing moment. Shame is encoded in my DNA.

You're looking for specifics?

How about the time in first grade when I had to go to the bathroom really badly during recess and couldn't hold it, so I went on the blacktop and, when another kid noticed, looked up into the clear blue sky as if surprised that it was suddenly raining right above the spot in which I was standing.

Or in high school, when I'm pretty sure that I showed up on teachers' "potential school shooter" radar after giving an extremely graphic presentation on the Manson murders, complete with gruesome crime scene photos that literally none of my classmates had asked to see.

Don't forget about that time that I was babysitting for a new family and got period poops five minutes before the dad—who I then learned was extremely attractive—got home (and then heard him shushing his kids when they began whispering about the atrocious odor emitting from their bathroom).

Or that date I went on in college where the guy got super annoyed halfway through and asked me to stop giggling so much (I'm a nervous giggler).

Or that time in law school when, late as always (due to a drinking problem that pretty much everyone knew about), I whipped my backpack around as I was hurriedly taking my seat (in the front row, of course) and dumped a girl's coffee all over the place.

These are my tamer experiences, the ones I feel only slightly uncomfortable sharing on a website full of strangers.

But my past is chock-full of stupid decisions, embarrassing quotes, and mortifying regrets. These are things that I will never come to terms with or look back on with a chuckle.

Much of it stems from abject stupidity.

I am both of these people.

I've done some really, really dumb shit.

Some of it is the result of bad choices.

And some of it is simply clumsiness, misunderstanding, or misfortune. Sometimes embarrassing things happen through no fault of our own, and all we can do is sit back in horror and watch the fallout. These, at least, are easier to forgive myself for.

Of course, these terrible occurrences have likely been forgotten by those who were there and remain solely in my consciousness to wreak havoc on me. It always helps to know that most people probably don't remember that stupid thing you said back in ninth grade or that humiliating mistake you made in college.

But some of my worst moments definitely stand out, and I'm sure they've cemented themselves in the minds of those poor, innocent souls who bore witness to them.

That's life, I suppose. People make mistakes and learn from them.

And some of us make mistakes, regret them, and move on to make a thousand more. Some of us are doomed to perpetual self-loathing over the embarrassing things we've said and done, and we will wallow in shame until the day we die. As is our right.

I can't be alone, right? Reddit has assured me that I am not alone. Tell me I'm not alone, guys.

If you, too, hate yourself, then I want YOU to click the 🖤. And check out my other stories and Challenge entries here!

Embarrassment
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About the Creator

S. Frazer

She/her • 29 • Aspiring writer

Email: [email protected]

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