Disability Envy

Every time I see a post on Social Media talking about disability, there is inevitably multiple comments engaging in Disability Envy. Most of them fall into the category of "Person Who Knows Nothing About Being Disabled Being An Ableist Jerk", but some are what I refer to as "Fell Through The Cracks" Disability Envy.

I've experienced it myself. "Fell Through The Cracks" covers the people who are only OK because they don't have an alternative or a safety net, in order to let themselves not be OK, for a while. The ones currently breaking themselves even more while they try to find someone willing to diagnose their problems so that they can seek help. The people commenting because sympathy from internet strangers is the only support they believe they'll get, after too many failed attempts at getting the support they .

I don’t wish I was disabled. I already am.

Sometimes, I wish I was disabled in a way that I didn’t have to explain endlessly for people to believe.

I don't want to "Lie around all day and get paid taxpayer money for it." Tell me you know nothing about Disability without telling me you know nothing about disabilities...

Honestly, nothing scares me more than the idea of someday becoming so disabled that my income is permanently restricted to below the poverty line, I can't own more than a pittance in assets or savings, and the ability to marry isn't a question, it's a joke in very bad taste.

I know people with chronic, incurable disabilities. I see how they struggle with planning things or even making a commitment to attend something, because they never know what day they’ll wake up and have their body betray them. I know how hard they try to live as normally as possible, and what it costs them.

Yet, it doesn’t stop the envy.

I just sometimes wish that I could ask for accommodations without feeling like everyone is silently calling me a drama llama, or thinks I'm faking it, or making life difficult just because.

I'm Autistic, so I can mask right up until I burn out and start crying over the tiny, inconsequential thing that tipped me over the edge, and most people can't see what I'm so upset about.

I have crippling Periods, but I'm on birth control to manage them, so blood tests for PMOS show nothing out of the ordinary, hormone wise, have I tried losing weight and exercising more?

I have sensory issues, but I bring noise-cancelling earbuds everywhere and make my own lunches, so I can avoid visibly having issues, until I look fussy or unhealthy for asking to exclude certain items from whatever I've just ordered. It's not my fault most cafes insist on drowning their salad in dressings that taste like slime...

I don't look disabled, and I can mostly muddle through, and my burnout just looks like exhaustion to all the doctors I've seen. Doing practically nothing on weekends can usually see me "recharged" enough to make it through the week, as long as I don't push it.

I just wish I didn't have to ration out my sick days, because I only get one per month, and have to pray that I don't catch whatever is going around this week when I already took a sick day because I was mentally wiped out, or in so much pain from the monthly 'visit from Aunt Flow' that I could barely get out of bed. I wish that taking more than one sick day per month didn't lead to judgemental looks and questions about my work performance.

The reality is, that having a more visible disability doesn't actually fix the problem.

Because even in systems set up to help the chronically and severely disabled live a full life, so much time and effort is spent proving that you really do need your various supports, and will continue to need them for a long time. Then you have to prove that there isn't a cheaper alternative, you really do need the funding, and then you have to keep justifying it every time there's a budget cut. Every step of the way, paperwork needs to be signed by at least one doctor, if not multiple specialists, and then submitted in person or snail-mailed in.

Disabled people spend so much of their limited energy proving that, yes, they're really disabled, and, no, they won't suddenly get better. The idea that anyone would want to be disabled because it's "so much easier" is honestly laughable.

Making disabled people jump through hoops to get their benefits is an entire industry. Plan managers, account managers, case managers, administrative staff of all levels... Disabled people are charged per email answered or call made, every time their plan changes even slightly, and for everything else under the sun.

Recent scandals in Disability Spending have revealed massive fraudulent charges being made, but by Providers, not disabled people.

Claims for services that were never provided. Blanket charges per resident for activities, regardless of whether or not the individual was even able to participate. Unlicensed or Unregistered Providers massively overcharging per item. In some cases, continuing to charge for services after a person died, under a flimsy pretext.

In reality, the amount of money that would be lost in hypothetical fraudulent disability claims if the government just fully funded everyone who applied as if they were being honest, is minuscule compared to the amount of money spent making permanently disabled people prove, over and over again, that they really are disabled and will not be getting better.

There’s a name for that, too: Paper Trail Oppression.

Perhaps it’s time we admit that the capitalist hellscape we live in is seeing more and more people drop, unable to keep up with the relentless pace and pressure. Because admitting that there’s nothing to be envious of isn’t a solution; it’s another problem that doesn’t have a solution.

I’m writing this on my lunch break, trying not to cry from how much pain I’m in, because I can feel myself coming down with a cold, and I only have 1 day of medical leave that I can take, so I’m trying desperately to hold out until Friday so I can also have the weekend to recover.

Perhaps the solution is to increase the number of paid sick days per year, so that everyone gets the time off that they need, when they need it. A rising tide lifts all boats, after all.

It’s just a shame that the people in charge would rather gatekeep who has access to boats at all, and leave everyone else to flounder in the waves.

No, I’m not ok, but I’m trying to be, and until I find medical professionals who take me seriously, that’s all I can be.