Depression

Sadness and sorrow is the emotion that I have most difficult controlling. It is a strong sentiment that bursts in my heart, and from there it courses through my veins and into my nervous system taking a full swing. When sadness possesses me, I am overpowered by it. I crumble down in an isolated corner and wrap my arms around my knees allowing tears to explode out of me. When I stare at my reflection in the mirror, I find a depressed girl with tears streaming down her eyes like Niagara Falls. Most of the time, I do not know why I am sobbing or why my heart feels like an empty void, but I do know that I am suffering from depression. When my family laughs with sheer happiness, I do not feel the same glee and joy. When my aunt says she will be a grandma, I do not share the same joyous sentiments. When my uncle shares his news of marriage, I do not share the same delight. All I feel is empty darkness in my heart. What am I doing in this world, I always wonder. I do not see the glitz and glamour of this world as everyone does, all I see is time is betraying us. It's speeding past me, leaving me abandoned and alone. I have no idea who I am or what I want to be when I grow up. I don't envision a future or happiness in my life in the same way that everyone else does.

Yet, when someone smiles at me, I stretch my lips out of politeness. When someone asks a question, I smile and converse with them masking my dead emotions. Gulping down the building pain in my heart, I smile until my lips hurt. Although, I envy the happy people around me, I do not show my tears to them. I hide it. I try to act happy and flow along with the crowd even when my heart doesn’t belong there. Even when tears prick my eyes or when my throat begs to let out those dying screams of sorrow, I bury everything in and smile the painful, convincing smile. The person in front of me does not know what I feel, my friends do not know how I feel, and my family does not know how I feel. Sometimes, my tears and cries do betray me, and I feel ashamed when they trickle out without my permission. When my family asks what is wrong, I simply do not know how to answer. The answer to the question remains unknown, even to me. I do not know the reason for my tears or my sobs, and I do not think people around me will ever understand. I feel alienated in this world, estranged from the rest of mankind with a single permanent emotion of sadness accompanying me.

When I search up my symptoms, it is clear that I am suffering from depression. Some doctors and professionals say that depression is due to the cause of some disastrous event in the past or the building stress since childhood. I am sure that isn't the case for me, it's none of those. I want to go to the psychiatrist, but the pharmacist says they'll give me so many anti-depressants to battle my depression which come with thousands of scarring negative side effects. He tells me to go for a walk, find activities, and try natural remedies to cure my illness.

What do I do?

I do not know.

I am suffering from depression, and I repeat to myself that it will soon get better even though I do not know for sure.