Dear mom I wish I could have told you the truth

Dear mom,

I did the right thing and gave you gifts each Mother’s Day but my heart was not in it. Each time I read the warm and fuzzy verses on the cards in the stores I knew I would be lying if I gave one of them to you: Baloons, Tee shirts and other gifts that said " World's best mother" only reinforced to me that these descriptions were not about us.

This is not about complaining it’s about speaking factually and the truth is you did nothing to deserve honor on the second Sunday in May. You allowed my grandma to take me away from you and dad when I was only 9 months old and neither of you ever tried to get me back or have any type of relationship with me.

When I was 16 grandma told great-grandma that you were going to the hospital to have an operation and you said if God let you live you would spend time with me. Grandma said you told her I was 16 and you had never spent any time with me. I overheard because I was in the next room and was so happy but you survived your operation and continued to ignore me.

When I was 17 you came to visit and I overheard something you told grandma just as I was about to walk into the kitchen. You said one of my cousin's mothers told you that you should put me on birth control pills because young girls think they are in love. You said you told her “Cheryl’s not going to do that.” and I was crushed. You knew nothing about me or what I might choose to do or not do or perhaps was already doing.

You missed another opportunity to talk to me as a mom and I was so disappointed. How would you have known my plans for sex since you never asked me or gave me any advice? The real shocker came at the end of my senior year in high school in 1976. It was the first of June and a few weeks before my 18th birthday.

I was walking down the hall towards the living room and you were going in the opposite direction. As we passed each other your hand went up in the air and I noticed you dropped a piece of paper in front of me. You kept walking and I bent down and picked it up from the floor. It was a clipping from the local newspaper of an Ann Landers column titled "Wait untill marriage for sex. It was dated 1957 the year before I was born and it was so old the paper was yellow.

I was stunned and in disbelief that you could not bring yourself to talk to me and instead gave me a 19 year old newspaper clipping. Using today's social media language: LOL, SMH, and WTF. How nice it would have been if you had asked me to sit down because you wanted to talk to me. You could have given me the Ann Landers column and perhaps told me you had saved it in case you had a daughter

.I was humiliated that you were so insensitive you did not even tell me you had something for me to read or the decency to put it in my hand. Guess what mom I have a secret to tell you. On that day I was no longer a virgin so you were too late. Perhaps if you had even tried to be a mother we could have discussed this when I was 14 or 15 when it might have made a difference.

I had lost my virginity s month before on May 6th only 11 days after meeting Michael and the second time I saw him. It was everything I hoped it would be and we remained together 45 years until he died. Guess what else mother I knew you really did not care one way or the other if I was a virgin.

You only dropped that paper in front of me because grandma had said something to you.She was afraid I would get pregnant and shame her in the church and the community because I was living in her home. Because of you mother, when I hear people saying they can’t honor their mom on Mother's Day I get it. The cards saying you were my best friend, you were always there for me and you loved me would have been lies.

I gave you cards that simply said Happy Mother's Day. or enjoy your day and I bet you never even paid attention. I don’t hate you and I forgive you. I’m just disappointed that in the 45 years of my life before you passed away I cannot think of one thing we did together or a time I realized you really did care. You were the parent and responsible for making sure I felt loved but you did not.

The preacher said in church today that if you had a difficult mother to find something good to say but in some cases there really isn't and only those who have had a mother like you really understand. The one thing you gave me was a determination not to repeat history and I’m thankful my daughter and two sons and my 3 grandchildren know I love them because I tell them often. I give what I never received.