Dear Mom, I see you.

Dear Mom,

I doubt you'll ever read this. But that is okay. We have always had a tumultuous relationship and I know that it's nothing personal. I remember being a teenager, so nervous to first share my writing with you. It was full of so much raw emotion, so much angst, so much more than you were either ready or wanting to see. You asked me why I couldn't write about happier things. At the time it felt like an insult, but I understand it now.

I remember when things got dark between us. I opened up about the assault to you, in order to process with the court case. I was so naive at fifteen to think that justice existed. I know you probably wanted to be there for me or support me but your own demons made it hard. I know now that you were not ready to have those conversations with me. I know also that there was a lot going on. I remember you telling me that you had hoped I wouldn't make the same mistake you did but I did. It stung me to my core. Not because that was how you reacted. Not because I had hoped for a different reaction. Not because you were disappointed. But because to the core of my soul I disagreed. Neither of us made a mistake. Other bad people made bad decisions that our bodies and our minds had to hold and heal from. Bad men made us doubt that good men actually existed. That supportive, loving, goofy men could exist for us. But you found dad and for all his faults, he'd protect you if you ever needed it. I went to that court room. I heard the judge say that there is no physical evidence and it is all hearsay. I cried so hard as the guy chuckled and left. For a minute, I couldn't stand. I just crouched in the hallway, crying. Then I got up and went on with my day. When you asked that night how it went, what happened, I told you in one sentence... nothing happened.

I remember when we tried to open up to each other. You told me all the things about yourself that you didn't like were the same traits I got. I know that must be hard. To be forced to love a child who mirrors what you don't love about yourself. I am not focused on how bad that must sound from a mother to a daughter. If anything I'm sad there is anything you don't like about yourself. I love myself. No matter how you see me, no matter how other people see me. I am authentic, unapologetic, and rough around the edges at times. I don't have it all figured out. I'm not a polished gem. But I wasn't meant to be. I tried for years to be what other people wanted to see, to fit in, to play the safe roles, to have the stable jobs, to make the stable paycheck. It wasn't me. I needed to make the wrong decisions and see how it played out. I needed to be in the middle of a mess and learn how to start cleaning it up.

I remember when I found out I was expecting. I told you with a deer in the headlights look and your face mirrored mine. I remember wondering if being a mom would help me relate to you more. But as my son grew, it was clear that I parented so differently from you and from my sister. If anything, it was another conversation to just avoid altogether. I remember telling you that I was leaving his father, that I couldn't handle the abuse. Your words to me were "If you feel like a single mother with a crappy roommate, just be a single mother". So I did. I know you had hoped I wouldn't struggle so much. But somehow struggles found me. I had job changes, housing changes, childcare changes. It's taken all of me just to catch up from all the chaos.

I know I am so much of you that is hard for you to see. I know I am a dreamer. I see that you are a realist. I see that you want stability and security for me. When you want me to walk a well beaten road, I am sprinting down a curvy forest path. I know that you can't be on this journey with me. I see how much you struggled to be a mom to four children, to be a wife to a conflicted man, to handle so many very tough situations, and to keep going no matter what. Where you saw weakness, I still saw strength. Where you remember yelling, I remember singing to the radio as a family. I know that there are many times I handled my own tough situations without you. You raised such a strong and independent woman that all this history between us is just that - history. We might not ever be super close. But we still love each other the best that we can. I know it might take time before you see all that is me. Just please know that, to the best of my ability, I see you.