Dealing With Existential Crisis

I don’t know the way I’m feeling for some days even can be described as this term ‘Existential Crisis’ but what I know, to some extent, is that I can reveal some part of it and hope that sharing it would give me a better perspective towards my current situation and provide an insight understanding my life better.

I am just stuck everytime I’m doing a task. It is good and overwhelming to think it as I know myself better, that I am recognising my shortcomings and can reflect upon them but I don’t know the solutions required to overcome it, I don’t know the way to fill that null or void within me that always reminds me no matter what I do, “ Buddy I think this is not what is going to help you seeking that peace of mind and fulfillment.”

Although I feel satisfaction doing things like my studies, working on my subject as I am a master's student and getting new perspectives through analyzing things but there is always that inner voice that shouts at me, “This is not something you are born to do, this is not you want to do for the rest of your life, this is not doing you anything that would intrigue you to surpass the level that is required to get benefitted from this particular sector, for example my master's subject, like it interests me and I am above average when it is about having the sense of the subject, but I am not able to repeat the pattern of sitting with it everyday which further makes my extraordinary effort done one day which is required to reach that peak, ordinary the next day by not doing so. This further leads to question myself.

I recently found out that I have symptoms of ADHD which may be a factor of my attention deficiency. I don’t know the intensity of ADHD because it is undiagnosed for now but the fact that I’ve been familiar with the functioning of my brain, I would not like to blame myself for my attention deficiency but the only complain I have about myself is that why there exists this void inside myself, no matter how much I’ve worked a day or I have not moved a single step the entire day. Here, in the second situation, it is usual to feel that emptiness because a human being always tries to give meaning to his life by doing certain things, accomplishing goals and reaching certain heights, thus doing nothing can make you feel that way. I am worried about the first situation where I am doing everything, completing each and every task assigned to make my day productive where usually one should get more and more satisfaction and some sort of fulfillment within oneself by doing so but with me, it doesn’t happen at all.

I do things that I have thought of doing but after working so hard and making my day productive, I still feel I've done nothing for the day that could give me that satisfaction and fulfillment. There is missing the meaning of whatever I’m doing so far.

I heard somewhere that sharing your problems and confusions to others lessens the burden on heart and you feel light as psychologically you feel that the burden is shared now, so I hope by writing and sharing this and using it as as a coping mechanism I’d be able to find that missing peace at least for now but trust me when I say that void is real and it is not going anywhere.

Signing off.

Subh Aryan