Dating SUCKS!

I am a chaser.

Since I was 15 (I’m 21 while writing this), I have been in 2 long term relationships with not much of a gap in between so my experience with dating is limited. Now single, I am trudging through the trenches of modern dating as a young, neurodivergent novice. In all honesty, it’s been awful but humorous and I have learnt a lot about myself, my standards and what I want as a person.

On social media especially I see the line “I attract. I don’t chase” as an almost motivational quote. However, I am a chaser. I know when I want something and I put the effort in to get it. I do what I would want someone to do for me.

90% of the time being a chaser doesn’t have a successful outcome but I have the advantage that once I am done, I am done. After being messed around or not reciprocating, you become not what I want and I have a point and past that point it takes a lot to revive it.

Dating apps suck. Most of them are designed for men revolving around visual representation, you’ll only be physically attracted to 10% of the people on there and then you’ll start talking to them (if they reply) revealing that they are not what you are looking for. It’s an endless cycle that can be mentally exhausting.

My personal attraction to someone can grow from spending time together and learning about their personality despite their appearance. So the short burst of validation from an attractive person I get from dating apps quickly fades and is redundant.

Neurodivergence and dating is a constant minefield. With no natural understanding of social constructs or body language, it is difficult to navigate how people feel about you, what’s appropriate and the kind of relationship you have with them.

In my brain, ways to identify that you have feelings for someone more than friendship would be:

• They stand in a room full of people to you even when they aren’t drawing attention to themselves.
• You think of them at random points in the day.
• When something happens, you want to tell them about it immediately.
• There is a want to spend time with them and learn about them.
• You love the things about them and not what they do for you.

This is not the way that everyone loves, just the way that I do. I don’t believe that there is a mystical “the one” but someone you love despite their flaws and choose to closely co-exist with.

I need someone that is okay existing as a person on their own and doesn’t want to become one with another. I like the idea that two people become three with their relationship existing as another entity of its own with a balance between my own identity and what I bring to the relationship.

I have to be self-sufficient because I have an issue with validation being an extrovert. In the past, I have become dependant on the need to please and changed myself to fit them destroying myself in the process. Being autistic, I struggle with boundaries so I need to set/ spoken boundaries for most things or I am completely oblivious to making them uncomfortable.

Even for sex, I have a spreadsheet for what they like, hard limits and what they are experienced in to help me.

The advice I’d give on dating in my experience:

Make a list of things you absolutely want and will not budge on.

I do this for most things: relationships, jobs, places I want to live. Without thinking of anyone but yourself make a list of absolutes. Do you want kids? This is an important one. You don’t want to emotionally invest in someone who does/doesn’t want kids when you do/don’t. You can not depend on being able to convince them otherwise or believe they will change their mind and you shouldn’t.

Personally, I need someone who is patient, an open communicator, independent, has a goal in life and puts in the effort like I do.

When someone tells you what they are looking for believe them and operate based on that first time you asked.

From your own point of view, someone’s body language can demonstrate something different to what they are saying. I have fallen into the trap of believing that someone was just unsure or they needed to see how great I was before they would want more. No. They aren’t and they don’t. All you will do is end up with false hope and you can’t even be angry about it because they told you. Ask on the first date or within the first few weeks of feeling emerging and believe what they say.

If they wanted to they would.

If they wanted to text you, they would. If they wanted to spend time with you, they would make the time. For example, my dad has about 15 minutes between when he finishes work to when he takes my brother to rugby. He spends that time sitting in the car with my mum chatting about their day because he has been gone since 7 am. Despite working 12 hour days 5 days a week, on the weekend he takes her to the farm shop because she prefers the veg from that specific one. Even after that long day, he comes home and takes the rubbish out because my mum has had her hands full with toddlers all day.

Maybe make it known that you would like them to put more effort into a certain area but do not beg. You have made yourself known.

Love Lara