I hate writing but I am a writer

I hate writing. I am a writer.

Laying in bed at night when a spark of inspiration hits me. It’s 1 am. I have been trying to write a chapter of my current project for the last 3 hours, but at this very moment an idea, character and plot is growing in my brain. I should write this down. I need to get up in 5 hours though. Now my mind is awake with this storyline that could be my next piece but I’ll probably never finish. At this rate, I won’t sleep anyway so I get up, put the lamp on a jot some points down in my notebook. You can tell this is not an out of the ordinary occurrence by the notebook within arms reach of the bed.

Yes, I could stop writing, give up on the stories and sleep a little more, but the problem is my brain can’t stop writing. I write everything. I communicate everything with writing. It relieves my stress. It helps me process the situations I am surrounded by. I express my feelings through letters and notes to friends, family, lovers. I would rather send a text than a phone call even about the most important things.

From the comfort of my laptop, I can create a world of fantasies, horrors from my nightmare and spin adventures I can only dream of going on. Putting them on a page I am birthing a place that someone can escape to.

However, to achieve this I have to go through the trauma of writing 50,000 words and spending 4 months minimum reading and rewriting those words over and over again. I could write the best scene ever but if it isn’t necessary to the plot or fit the characters then GONE! It’s like killing your babies. Most of the time, you can probably crowbar a brilliant scene in and make it work if you are editing yourself but a professional editor will not care about your baby.

Writing at home for your own pleasure is one thing but making a profession out of it is a whole other world. Being a baby writer sucks. You have this fantasy of finishing your work, getting a publishing deal, being on the shelves of Waterstones, but it could take decades to get there and even then you’ll be lucky to make it. You have to figure out whether you are a Pantser (completely wings plot and edits later) or a Planner (kind of in the name).

I thought I was a Pantser. I am not. The first time I ever finished a piece (it was crap. They usually are the few times time) was when I actually sat and plotted the entire story start to finish and then started writing and I found that it worked much better for me to have the structure of a written out plot. It’s not gospel. I can change the plot halfway through writing if I wish but I have something to refer to.

Then you have to spend the next few weeks to months (depending on how fast you write) staying interested in the same people and plot solidly. Most people (including me) get distracted by other ideas which extend the time it takes to finish a draft. Writing challenges like Nanowrimo can really help because you are being held accountable and given a goal. It has helped me in the past.

Nanowrimo is a yearly event where writers of every ability, age and location are challenged to write 50,000 words in the 30 days of November. The 50k words can be of any genre even short stories as long as it is finished by the 30th of November. Events like write-ins and workshops are held throughout to help anyone who needs it. The website has tools to track word count and connect with other writers.

This piece here is an example of my need for written communication. I am writing this article sitting in the pub trying to write my first day worth of Nanowrimo. I need to write but nothing is coming to mind to put on the page so I am ranting. I am putting my feelings together and hoping that someone will relate or at least laugh at my struggle. Writers after all are probably all masochists. Choosing to write can be a beautiful thing if you are prepared to endure the pain and misery.

Are you doing Nanowrimo this year? What’s your project? Do you share my feelings about writing?

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Love, Lara