Dad, I'm Sorry I Hurt You

Everything was so good in the beginning.

I don’t know where it all changed.

Where did it go wrong?

For years, I thought it was because of me.

The insistent arguments over money.

Was I too much to take care of?

I’m sorry for making things hard for you.

I used to love being with you.

You were my favorite.

I remember working with you all the time.

I loved being by your side.

I loved going to the park and playing baseball.

I loved going to get ice cream after school.

I loved learning math at the laundry matt.

All of that changed within an instant.

I never tried to hear your side of the story.

I never thought to consider how you were feeling.

Everyone around me kept saying you were the bad guy.

The one that made all the mistakes.

The one that didn’t know what he wanted.

You were to blame for everything.

You were the one thrown under the bus.

I believed that you were the cause of all our sadness.

The weight of our family rested on your shoulders.

I’m sorry for never asking how you were doing.

I’m sorry I judged you.

For years, I hated you.

I hated that mom went back to you.

I hated that we were with you some days, and others we weren’t.

I hated that I saw the worst in you.

I hated that I saw you and mom fight all the time.

After everything that happened, I became bitter.

A rage would build up inside of me every time I thought about you.

I’m sorry for hating you.

I’m sorry for never giving you a second chance.

I’m sorry for not believing in you.

I should’ve tried harder to get to know you.

I was young but I could’ve done more for you.

I could’ve told you that I loved you.

I could’ve asked you how you were feeling.

I should’ve helped you.

You were all alone dealing with so many things.

I could’ve been there to keep you afloat.

I could’ve been there like you were for me, even when you had nothing.

I’m sorry for never calling.

I'm sorry for resenting you.

I held grudges against you, and I’m sorry for that too.

I tried searching in all the wrong places.

I lived my life without thinking of where you were, until it was too late.

When the detective called that night, I thought the worst.

I thought you were in jail.

I assumed you failed again.

I wasn’t hopeful.

When I saw my mom crying the next morning, I knew you were gone.

I imagined you all alone with no one to tell you goodbye.

I imagined how you must have felt.

I felt guilty for not being there with you.

When they told us about your efforts to stay clean, I felt guilty.

I felt like I was the worst person in the world.

I hated you without a second thought.

I never tried stepping into your shoes, to see life through your eyes.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tell you how sorry I am.

I pray to you, but do you listen?

Do you forgive me?

I don’t expect you too, after all that I’ve done.

I just want you to know that I messed up too.

That everything wasn’t all your fault.

I made mistakes too.

I’m trying to make up for them now, and I hope you hear them.

I hope you watch over all of us.

I would’ve loved for you to meet Erik.

I think you would’ve loved him.

I think if you saw Sammy and David, you would be surprised.

My brother is so tall now, he looks just like you.

We’re all big now and living our own lives.

I hope you see all of us.

I hope you’re somewhere peaceful.

I hope you’re safe and happy.

I’m sorry that I hurt you, I hope you forgive me.

* This article was originally posted on Medium.