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Confessions of a Suicide

Thank you mom

By Marissa DeShieldsPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 3 min read
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Dear mom;

There is something I’ve always wanted to tell you and I couldn’t. I think a part of you knew but I’m not sure how big that part is. Mom you saved my life; I was going on a really hard path my depression was eating me like maggots to flesh. I just couldn’t fight it anymore in the end I was about to give up my life. Suicide has been something that I’ve contemplated and have attempted multiple times. Though this time was different because no one had any idea that I was doing that bad. I could still remember The day as if it was yesterday and I think I will be old and gray with wrinkles in my skin and you’ll be long gone but I will still remember this. I have a Grim Reaper tattoo on my arm with a number 13 on it. This represents the first time I tried to kill myself. I was just a child I didn’t know how important life could be or how important I could be to others. Every day would just drag on and I honestly just wanted it to be over. Growing up I idolized you I’ve always wanted to to be like you. To be half the woman that you are would be a blessing. As a woman now I remember that a lot of girls say that about their mom. For me this was different I seen how you hustled how you made sure that nothing was ever needed in my life. You were the firm hand and the best friend Mom simply you’re a bad ass. On top of that to have your perseverance and your kind heart I’d give anything for it. The day I was going to kill myself my letters were written my choice of how I was going to do it was laid out in front of me and that was going to be the end. I don’t know how but it’s like you knew it’s like you had a mom vision because you called me and you were just checking on me. You made me laugh and you told me that you love me it’s not something that we do all the time because I’m not mushy but the sentiment is always there. As I sat there pills in hand I went back to being a child. Just a little girl that wanted her mom you saved me and you didn’t even know it. To you it was just a Tuesday to me it was gonna be my last Tuesday. So thank you for being the mom that I always wanted and needed throughout my life I may have rebelled as a teenager. I know that I wasn’t always the easiest and I was your only child. You had no idea what to do with me. You were only 20 years old when you had me you were still in school. You were in a toxic relationship that was bringing you down and you still rose up from it all. For me at 20 I barely was keeping my head above water and you rose above in a way that I respected the hell out of you. To top it off when you had me you were all alone and that’s a scary thought at 20. For you to go through that and I’ve already been 20 and I know I couldn’t have done half of the things that you’ve done throughout my life . So now growing older as I am our relationship is the coolest thing that I could ever ask for. So many people are jealous of it because I tell you everything but I didn’t tell you this. How bad I was doing and how easily you could’ve lost me. You have no idea how much I owe you and how much you appreciate it. The love and respect that I have for you now will never be overturned.

thank you mom.

Family
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About the Creator

Marissa DeShields

Just a woman with a lot of words to say. Thank you for all of the support even if it’s a read it means so much to me so I hope you have a great day.😊

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