Confessions of a Caf-Fiend

I wrote a pretty cringe-worthy article on Vocal a few years back about my ongoing struggles with caffeine addiction, specifically with coffee. I never really used to drink the stuff until I entered into Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-Step recovery programs. They often have a big tankard of strong cheap coffee brewing in the meeting and I started drinking it mainly as a substitute for all the other mood-altering substances that I was giving up.

One of the main things I noticed was that as a person with a history of severe anxiety, drinking coffee was often like pouring gasoline on a house fire. Sometimes it seemed alright and gave me just the right amount of stimulation without any ill effects, but often my heart would start palpitating and sometimes I would actually wonder if I was having a heart attack.

The energy that I think I'm getting from caffeine feels like it needs constant maintenance and wears off pretty quickly. Sometimes it feels like playing Russian Roulette with every cup. At certain times it works as intended and I feel alert and stimulated without the anxiety, but often it turns on me like a bad acid trip and I find myself wondering why I drink it at all.

I started making a pros and cons list about the benefits and detriments of my relationship with coffee. I'll start with the pros to try to convince myself to have "one last cup:"

1. It gives me something to do when I wake up in the morning.

2. That first sip usually feels pretty awesome, like I've just completed my life's purpose.

3. It's a good way to socialize and meet people. "Let's go for coffee sometime!" (Recovering addicts rarely seem to go out for tea or a smoothie, at least not yet).

4. I get a pleasurable craving and anticipation when I think about it.

5. I use it as a reward for doing hard work. "Now I've earned myself a nice cup of Joe!"

6. I use it as a means of building courage and resolve to tackle a hard task. "Let me just down this cup of coffee and then I can take care of the lawn. "

7. It makes me feel more like a "normal" human being. "Everyone else seems to drink it, so it helps me fit in."

8. I like sampling different specialty coffees much like a wine connoisseur. Since I gave up alcohol and cannabis this became my replacement.

These seem like pretty legitimate reasons to keep enjoying coffee, and I'm tempted to not even touch the "cons" list. The mere act of writing brings up cravings as I think about the unopened bag of organic coffee that seems to be calling to me from the kitchen. I'm over the hump of my caffeine detox having just gone through the worst headache I can remember, so there's no backing down now!

Here are some obvious cons to solidify my resolve to get off the jitter bean for good:

1. I feel like I need it as a matter of course. I rarely go a day without it, and it is difficult to do so.

2. It can make my anxiety much worse and sometimes even causes heart palpitations. One would think this would be reason enough for me to stop.

3. I spend quite a bit of money on it since I like to buy good organic stuff in order to justify drinking it even more.

4. It creates a cycle of diminishing returns where the perceived energy I get from it wears off sooner and sooner. More coffee doesn't equal more energy, just more anxiety and more of a crash.

5. I find myself preoccupied with thoughts about it if it isn't readily available.

6. If it is available, I play games with myself in my head. "Should I have some? Have I had too much? One more won't kill me. I really need a pick me up. I bet it won't make my anxiety worse this time..."

7. I feel like I go into a weird zombie-like state sometimes when I've had too much, or not enough. The sweet spot in the middle is almost impossible to hit these days.

8. It can sometimes make my latent psychotic symptoms rear up, albeit at a much lesser degree than when I was using cannabis. I've gone as far as calling coffee, "my morning cup of liquid schizophrenia." Again, what more reason do I need to motivate me to quit?

9. The fact that I am even prompted to write a pros and cons list about it is proof enough that it isn't in my best interest to keep drinking it.

10. It makes me have to pee like an overhydrated race horse. I've had many close calls trying to get to a bathroom on time.

11. When I'm overstimulated by coffee its harder to relax and work with clients and listen to people in general. I get too amped up and have trouble really hearing what people are saying.

12. Since caffeine has such a strong diuretic effect I end up drinking more water as well to compensate, which further increases my trips to the bathroom.

It looks like the cons list wins out, at least in terms of numbers. I feel like I want to think up more advantages to continue drinking coffee just to even things out, but I'm too deep in the detox process to turn back now. I've been using different substitution products to help me wean off and I probably need to make a drink right now before I lose my nerve!

A good blend of chocolate flavoured mushroom powder with a bit of honey helps take the edge off the final phases of the quitting process. Through practicing Vipassana meditation I realize that all I am truly addicted to is the sensations that I associate with coffee or any other substance. That "first sip feeling" seems to be the most powerful draw to keep the cycle going. I end up chasing the first sip throughout the day as the cauldron of anxiety builds beneath the surface.

Thanks for indulging me in my process! I realize that I have a rather extreme relationship with substances in general and I don't want to imply that coffee or anything else is wrong or bad. Everyone reacts differently to different things. I've talked to a few people lately who have quit coffee for a time and I wanted to see if I could actually do it for any length of time.

I do notice a more steady and balanced feeling of energy even after only a couple of days. My anxiety has already diminished, and my breathing seems to have gotten deeper. The only obstacle is the occasional craving that comes up, but its easy enough just to breathe through it and observe it coming and going. I wish you all the best in whatever life changes you may be motivated to make at this time. Sharing our own process can help us gain support and make what would be difficult changes much easier. <3