How am I feeling? How am I doing?
Those are two questions I do not want to hear or see right now. Do I know why? Not really.
I am not in a horrible mood, but I am not in a good mood either. The feeling is mono-toned and indifferent. Will I feel differently later? I do not know, but I really hope so.
Right now, all I know is I do not want to be felt sorry for, I do not want to be empathized with. I do not want to be told what I have been through is horrible or bad.
I do not want to be told that the other person who caused the accident is dumb or "it's all their fault". What is the point of thinking that way? If anything, I can sympathize what that other person is going through. She is probably just as stressed as me, if not, more. I have no anger towards her or anyone directly.
To update on what the hell I am talking about, I was in a car accident, recently. I got rear-ended by another driver and I now have a concussion. It was diagnosed as acute in the Emergency Room. I pray it will stay that way and I will recover with minimal or even zero issues.
I am not talking about this for sympathy or empathy from others. I am honestly tired of hearing the "I'm sorry" and "what you're going through is so rough", or "you've been through so much in a short amount of time"/ I get people care, but I am more worried about that bothered feeling I get when someone shows they care about my situation.
I feel indifferent to my situation. Maybe that is a personal defense mechanism and I would rather not face the emotions of it just yet. "I see no reason to be sad or upset. It just is what it is in my brain. Shit happens, I'm handling it and moving on." That is at least what I keep saying to myself.
Don't get me wrong, I do get frustrated in the moment when something bothers me and it has been something little or something I do not need to get upset over. I definitely get annoyed when I am trying to remember what I was talking about 30 seconds ago, trying to comprehend what someone is trying to say to me, but then I am back to feeling indifferent because I forgot what I was frustrated about in the first place.
Indifference and irritated are the two main emotions I am feeling since the accident. That is towards most things in my life with a bit of laughing too. It is like my usual sensitive and empathetic emotions are hiding or locked in a box. I do not know if I am feeling this way because of the concussion since my brain is fuzzy most of the time or if it is because I have reached my breaking point of stress and my "logical" mind is protecting itself.
I have tried explaining these thoughts and emotions to a couple of people. Either, I explained it wrong or the did not understand or both.
I do not want sympathy or empathy from anyone. I hope ranting about this helps someone else and maybe I will look back on this and be able to feel grateful that I made it through.
My coping mechanisms have been writing and reading. I cannot watch TV or be on my phone as much or handle much light so this works. Regardless of the brain injury, reading is a lot easier for me to comprehend than someone talking to me. Surprisingly, reading a book and writing does not cause much of a headache unlike socializing. Interesting.
Thank you for reading, guys. I hope this helps someone.