Close to 50k reads, but finding hard to feel happy about it

I’ve been writing on Vocal since the summer of 2017. A lot has changed over the years. Some for the better and some for the worse. I’ve started to get to grips with Vocal, but I still struggle sometimes. I am really surprised and excited to see my total reads go up to this amount. I have a feeling it won’t be long till I reach 50,000 reads. Don’t know when and don’t know how, but I know it’s coming. Im not even sure how or what I will do to celebrate this. To be honest, I don’t really feel like celebrating at the moment.

I’ve been starting to lose hope that things will get better again. I write and go and do whatever I can to hide my sorrows, but my anxiety is too loyal for it’s own good. I’ve had to isolate for the third time. I’ve been tested positive for Covid, despite getting both jabs and also had the booster jab. I’ve been going to the gym and trying to eat healthy. Eliminated all meats from my diet completely and reduced my diary intake and it’s still not enough. My body is aching. I’m tired from work. And the way people in the healthcare industry are being treated, and the way it is being underfunded and worked to the ground makes me anxious and angry.

So many people are coming and going. The best of the best are leaving their jobs because they are fed up with the way they are being treated. One minute, we are treated like heroes, but many of us are lucky if we have food on the table. Everything we do is never good enough. It’s like we work all these shifts but there’s nothing to look forward to on when work is over.

As much as I hate to say this, I have a feeling that world leaders are doing their best to be just like North Korea. They want control over their people. They thrive on our poverty and suffering. They can’t even follow the Covid restrictions that they enforce. How can they expect others to follow. This is a dark age, and I can feel a war coming. They don’t give a toss about climate change. They would have acted faster if they did. I’m starting to lose hope and feel like my dreams are being crushed.

People activating for better, but where are their solutions? Why are the solutions that have already been suggested not being followed? Why not wash “single-use” items and reuse them again. All the plastic bottles and cans… can’t they be washed and reused? All the stuff on Landfill, can any of that stuff be used for something else?

What if the big efforts we are making to reduce carbon emissions are only making it worse?

Because it will never be enough. People are too busy twisting the words of famous people for profit and caring about what other people do, say and think. I am doubting a lot of things. Revolutions don’t work. Lockdowns won’t work. My internet dosen’t work. Nothing works. Profit is all that they care about nowadays.

My timeline is filled with positive. I see posts that we should only focus on the good and ignore the bad. But by ignoring the bad, we deny ourselves the feeling of pain, guilt and sadness. You have the right to express your sadness. We start to doubt ourselves and question the purpose of life. Our feelings are valid. Whatever gender and pronouns you choose to identity yourself as is valid too. There’s a time to grieve and a time for dancing.

I wish I could be happy. But there’s so much shit going on in the world, that it hasn’t even sunk in that it’s Christmas. I’ve fallen out with two of my best friends, and that hurt more than any relationship. It’s making me think about the future. I’ve read that Covid can effect fertility. What if that happens to me. People ask me when I am having kids as if it is essential. It’s as if my life as a woman is invalid if I don’t have human children. They make me feel that I have nothing to show for my life because I don’t have biological children. I looked into adoption, but they said I’m ready. It hurt. But I can look into it again when I move into my next place which will be a place with a spare room.

I have a godson, I sometimes refer to my friend’s kid as a stepdaughter. And I have a cat. And there’s some in-jokes between me and my boyfriend about a long family tree between our Pokémon collection. I also feel empty cause I’m in a relationship but Covid has stopped us from seeing each other. That’s if we ever see each other again.