C.S. A story of a girl who believed in his words, not his actions.

This is a story of when one guarded girl let’s her guard down, and why most of the time guarded girls put them right back up with walls higher than before. We know that letting down your guard and being vulnerable is one of the most important things to do as a human, but rejection also keeps us from ever wanting to be in that situation.

This girl is a single mother of three beautiful beings. She has been through hell and back and can still put a smile on her face. She has no choice. Life started chaotic for her, she wasn’t brought up in the most loving environments and has had to heal herself from those wounds and the wounds that others cause. She doesn’t blame them anymore, she places blame on herself for not thinking before doing, and believing before seeing the actions of another. She has been through a few years of isolating herself to find herself again, but we all have to have those moments in order to let go, in order to trust again. Human’s can change this as life goes on. They are good with the words they use and can still make her believe that she is worthy and then take it away. After three years of being single she decided to open up to one man twice. First for a dinner, to be ghosted a bit after, to re connect and be played with like a game of chess, never knowing what his next move was, or what move he wanted her to make.

All she ever wanted was someone to be vulnerable back, someone to communicate what they need. No one seems to know the answer to this anymore, or what they’re intentions are with the person they want to be with. This is all things she had to work on as a person. Knowing what she wants and not settling for what she doesn’t deserve. She has spend her life accepting things she doesn’t deserve. Thinking people are good with no negative intentions. Being self less like she is and knowing that the past is the past and the future is something that you should look forward to. When your stuck in past relationships you can’t do this, and you end up hurting the ones around you. Something she learned along the way. She feels as though maybe she didn’t listen when he first said “can we hang out as friends”. She was more than willing to do so as friends were something she lost on her road to recovery. Everyone expected her to be who she was years ago, irrational, selfish, partying each weekend her kids were gone, not taking responsibility for her financial situation, and just being all over the place in life dropping friends and picking them back up knowing they were toxic out of pure loneliness. To be frank she rather be alone than deal with any of the above. Being alone gave her a sense of freedom she never thought she could accomplish because she always needed someone never wanted them.

So there’s a little background of our guarded girl. She met him on a snowy night they went out to a restaurant something she didn’t like doing much social anxiety and being in public places was hard for her but she pushed through. Here sat in front of her what she saw as a gorgeous man, he was tall, handsome and as the dinner date went on very intellectual level. They spoke of life and past lovers, how they ended up on a dating site. He spoke about work and what he did for a living which made her feel inadequate as she didn’t work, she was a stay at home mom and at the time didn’t run her own business yet. They ate and talked until the bill came. Then she paid for dinner, said he could leave the tip and headed back to their trucks. He stood with her as she had a cigarette after dinner and they said goodbye. She mentioned at dinner that she wasn’t looking for a relationship, she wasn’t ready yet. She had yet to completely heal herself from the vicious relationship she had been in a 3 year prior. She also met a few men through the first summer she moved and felt like men were all just playing games to find places to live, or were insecure to the max which was something she couldn’t handle and knew all to well with her past relationships. She knew that men with insecurity were not going to change them they would make them her problem, or most of them that she had come across.

She never gave him her phone number, because she was so used to guys just ghosting her plus she also had shitty service in her home so she thought that continuing the conversation on the dating app until they may go on a few more dates would be the best route to go. He vanished one day. She wondered what she did wrong, but it was only one date so maybe he just didn’t like her. She was already trying to figure out who she was as a person and what she wanted from a relationship so it didn’t hurt so much that he just gave up on the conversation. She believed that people deserved someone who knew what they wanted, that is why she explained she didn’t want a relationship. After this she decided to get off dating sites it seemed like the one “normal” guy she met didn’t like her so she got tired of humans in general. One of her friends told her at that point to go through her ex’s and think of one who didn’t torture her through there relationship and reach out, see if that would work. She did and you can read all about that one in a different writing piece already posted. Fyi please also don’t try this, they are exs for a reason.

Later the next year he swiped right on her FB dating app, with curiosity of why on earth he would after ghosting her she swept right too. She asked him how dating was going for him, it was the same for her a whole bunch of bullshit and creepy people. He asked her if they could hang out as friends. This was something she should have taken seriously from the beginning, maybe she should have said no, but because she already enjoyed his company on the first meeting last year, but she said yes because she didn’t have friends who were not online and that made her feel weird about herself. She loved the conversations she did get to have with people on Instagram and got close to a few awesome women who she still speaks to on the regular. Having friends who all lived far away, and most of them not driving she was interested in having a friend who lives closer. Who she already knew she seemed to get along with him and could have interesting conversations with him. She needed a friend, as well as wanted one who wasn’t going to use her. That took care of themselves, drove and had worth ethic as now she had her own. She had a past of having very manipulative friends and family members. They spoke for a while just over text on messenger. He explained that he didn’t really want anything more than friends and maybe friends with benefits. She explained what her boundaries were for friends with benefits, and since she isn’t one to sleep with just anyone, and also had been quite some time between partners decided that maybe it was time to be vulnerable and stop sheltering herself from something that could bring her pleasure while she continued to seek what she was looking for, but also wondered if she would be a “fuck and chuck” situation. Keeping her boundaries would be the way to keep this without emotional attachment. She had been friends with benefits with another person for years until she was in a relationship and cut that off because, well, that’s what anyone who has loyalty to a relationship and not someone who just wants causal sex does. She also feared friends with benefits because someone seems to always get attached and usually it was the male, but she feared in this situation it would be her. She liked him when she first met him a year prior and often wondered during that time what he was up to in life. She never seems to forget people.

They made plans for said arrangement when her children went to their grandparents house for a week, and she decided since they talked more about a friends with benefits situation she would just wear a robe and some cute bra and undies. While waiting for him she started to get nervous about the situation, she asked him to bring coffee, he wasn’t passing any coffee shops so offered for them to go get coffee first. She felt like a complete idiot, but was more stalling and getting time in to see if this was what she really wanted to do. They had more amazing conversation whole she drove yes in her robe to the coffee shop. She was surprised at things he said about himself, about life and about humans in general. She felt like he wasn’t just going to bang her once and leave or ghost her. She needed that time to see if he was the same person he showed her a year ago. She did admit that she doesn’t just jump into bed with people she had not got to known a bit more. When they got back from coffee she lead him to her bedroom and they sat laughing at ridiculous videos. He talked about the ones he watched on Tik Tok and she showed him yelling goats surprised he hadn’t seen them before they laughed and with each laugh and word she felt more comfortable around him. She turned off the lights took off her robe and laid down next to him. She was anxious, she had lost so much weight over the year since she last saw him. She didn’t like her body and was fearful he wouldn’t either. He complained of his back being sore. She offered him a massage because she knew she was somewhat good at giving those. They then just cuddled for a bit and then he needed to leave as he was getting tired and falling asleep. He apologized for the lack of sex, he was tired. She was fine with it, she doesn’t like to force things that weren’t supposed to happen and believes that things happen if they are meant to. She walked him out and he stood with her for a cigarette. He wasn’t a smoker but he stood and talked a bit more. Apologizing for being tired. She assured him that it wasn’t a problem. She just enjoyed the fact that she got to cuddle with him. It was even better than sex itself. To be able to have conversations, laugh and cuddle with him was even more satisfying that night. She felt respected even though he may have just been tired, he also didn’t just jump into bed with her like everyone else wanted to. She told him to drive safe, and he messaged her when he got home which made her happy knowing he made it safely.

They kept speaking over messenger when he was available as he has a busy life building motors and putting together mechanical things. She never really understood when he explained what he was doing but he was more than willing to explain in “people terms” verses “mechanical terms”. She thought it was so interesting that he could take apart a motor and put it back together. She didn’t have the amount of patience that she thought that would take and admired him for the fact he could do that. She thought it must be such a feeling of pride to say “I built this”. They decided to go out for dinner the next time they saw each other. Which she made as the weeks that her children were gone to their grandparents, not that she had issues with him meeting him. She just wanted to get to know him better and know that he wasn’t planning on leaving her life as her friend, her kids often said “everyone leaves even your friends” and she didn’t want to put them through that again. She never told him this, she just said she preferred to meet with him alone a few more times before bringing him over to meet them even though they were just friends. She also knows that sometimes meeting kids is weird for some people he never said it was, but she had also been in those situations before. They went out again and got take out as the pandemic doesn’t really allow for people to be able to eat inside. They got back to her house and spoke of concerts and how the loved similar music when they were younger. He was also in a band which she thought was so cool. Though they went to shows in different places they were able to connect on how those shows were similar. He seemed to have given up on his dreams to play music to get a more practical career, she always wondered if she would ever get to see him play and instrument. They spoke even more over messenger, he seemed to make more time to speak with her, she was so excited to speak to him every day. Some days less than others but either way she was happy to know that he was speaking a bit more than when they first spoke. As well she respected that he worked and was busy. Most of the men she spoke to didn’t work, she felt as if she needed to constantly be speaking with them or they would be upset with her. She wondered if maybe this could go further than just dinners, she didn’t ask about sex as he seemed to just want to speak about life, people and music. The more they spoke the more she began to like him more than a friend, she had to shut this down as she knew he only wanted to be her friend. How do you turn off how you feel?

One day, as she was driving home from town, he messaged her. First, he mentioned that the reason he didn’t have or hasn’t tried to have sex with her is because he didn’t feel that was the way to keep her in his life. He didn’t want to lose her from it. He gave her a whole ton of compliments on why he liked her and she automatically felt so confused. She thought they were just friends. She didn’t know he felt this way or looked at her in this manner. She was happy that he did as she started to have those types of feelings for him, wondering what could happen instead of what was happening. Wondering if he could be apart of her family, if he wanted to get married one day, all those things you start to question with a long term partner. She kept this all to herself since he only wanted to be her friend. She ended up hitting ice on her road and her vehicle went right into a snow bank. He offered to help fix what he can, and spoke with her as she waited for someone to pull her out. She was still confused by his messages and she knew the best thing to do was ask. So she asked was this the conversation where she should start looking for someone else or was he implying that he sees long term potential in this connection they made this year. He sent a shrug shoulder emoji and told her if she wanted to see others that was her choice but he also did see potential. Again, confusing but she explained that she liked him and hadn’t even been speaking with others, she wanted to see what happens but also didn’t want to rush things, as in the past she was quick to settle. She was now in the mindset to know the person beforehand and also was the type of girl who only committed to even speaking to one man at a time. This thing they call serial dating was to exhausting for her. She smiled HUGE that day even though she got into an accident thinking that her feelings of wanting him in her life as more than a friend was also something he wanted. They seemed to be on the same page, relationship goals, but slowly.

One day, she asked if she could borrow straps as she had already made plans to pick up a new bed for her daughter. Since she had just been in an accident her straps were in her truck which was being fixed. She asked her neighbors first but they didn’t reply or did not have them. He seemed more than willing to meet her to get them, and she could return them when they made their next dinner plans. When meeting him for straps the conversation confused her. He spoke of other women messaging him, he spoke of how irritating single moms could be to meet as they have no time, or they also let there children pick and choose if they go to the other parents home. He spoke of girls from a different province who still try to contact him to make plans him knowing that they would cancel last second. She felt really odd, why did he tell her he liked her if he was engaging with other women, seeming to keep his options open. She wasn’t talking to others, and when random people from past conversation tried to start new ones she would tell them she was interested in someone and be honest with them. She felt like she was placed right back into the friend zone. Did he say all this stuff just to keep her close? She doesn’t care when a partner or potential partner has female friendships, but these were random girls he had been speaking to along the way. He also spoke of how hard it was for us to date these days, or how people are married and or just plan fucked up. She didn’t know how to take this conversation so she just listened. Feeling like he had changed his mind about her. How could he truly like her if he still wanted to speak or make plans with other people even if they were cancelling on him what if they didn’t would he go? She questioned everything but kept silent she didn’t want to be that girl who stopped him from doing what he wanted or by being clingy when they were not in a “status” relationship. They were just two people getting to know each other, who she thought liked each other enough not to be looking for someone else. She thought maybe she should just give him some space, she remembered when she asked him what his intentions were the little emoji he sent. She drove home feeling a sense of dread like it was all some fairy tale of what she wanted to hear verses what he actually wanted. Did he like her? Was she unique and interesting, why would he say all these things just to speak of other women he seemed upset he never met before.

They continued the conversation on messenger, it got sexual at times she wasn’t really wanting a friend with benefits as she had already had feelings, confusing feelings but also was a normal human being with desire for intimacy. She missed cuddling with him that was the best time she had the first re meeting they had. He often spoke of needing a massage she was willing but he was busy. She offered for him to meet his kids. They made fun of her every time she smiled at her phone “oooo is it him” are you guys going to be together, what’s he like, can we meet him. They wanted to meet the man who seemed to lift their mother into smiles instead of tears. He was busy. She understood he seemed to have a ton of work on his plate and she didn’t want to push him away even though she wanted to see him way more than she had been. She looked forward to the conversations they did have, one day he messaged her about why people don’t come back, why no one had ever tried to fix things. She thought he was wanting advice. She tried giving it instead of listening with open ears. He needed someone to listen not speak or give advice. She was bad at this her whole life she needed to come up with solutions and had issues with just listening to someone rant, even though most of her time was spent ranting. She decided to be vulnerable. She had kept a journal as she has since she was 15. In it she had written what she wanted to see happen, how she felt, and how confused she had become in this situation. He wrote back that he had been hurt and that is why only being friends was best. So she put on her friend cap. Though she wanted more she knew relationships were not forced. That people needed the time to figure out what they want, and right now he didn’t want a relationship with her, it seemed not even later. Just friends like he said when they first started speaking. The conversation got slower. Most days they spoke a few sentences some days she ranted on and he answered while she was sleeping. She asked if while they are friends of they could cuddle? He said yeah the next time her kids were gone. He also brought back up the idea of friends with benefits, she said she was interested in this and reminded him of her boundaries. He said he would not be happy if she was doing it with others, she agreed and felt the same if he did she became more confused. This seemed to be so complicated, but she enjoyed his company. She didn’t want to lose him as a friend first and foremost.

After this, they made plans to go out for dinner. They were finally able to eat in somewhere. Finally she would get to eat Nachos again! She was excited. At this time, she was also dealing with going in and out of hospital with random pains that she could not control with over the counter medication and prescription medications from the hospital. The specialist her doctor told her to go to mentioned that if driving is a problem that makes her hands flare then she should only drive if necessary. She had told him about this, she had not been diagnosed with anything but a was told to slow down. She asked if it would be ok with him to drive on this dinner night. She also mentioned she does drive but only when she really needed to. He didn’t seem to mind picking her up. She didn’t ask a specific time as usually he was around in the later evening. She mentioned what time the restaurant closed and assumed that he was going to be around on time to go sit inside, if not she was happy with take out as well. She just enjoyed his company at the end of the day. That’s the enjoyment she got when they went out together being able to laugh and have conversations. As the evening became later and later she wondered to herself if he was going to be a no show, or if he was going to message he couldn’t make it. When it became around the time they would only be able to get take out she decided to message him and find out if they were still going out. He was on his way. They were unable to get there usual take out and went to a fast food drive thru. She was content with this. He paid for her dinner as she had mentioned with her vehicle needing to be paid for being in an accident she was not going to have her “fun money” that she is usually had to go out or to buy activities for her and her children to do. Her grandmother taught her that everyone should have a few $20s per month to be able to do something they like. She did have the money to pay for her own meal after getting in an order for her small business and did offer but he paid for their meal. They ate in the vehicle she thought they would be going to her house like they usually do, but that was not the case. She enjoyed her dinner with him that night even if it seemed brief. He drove her home, and went home. She told him to drive safe and to text her when he got home. He texted that he wrecked the night. She didn’t believe he did what he didn’t understand that even just seeing him was perfectly fine with her dinner was a plus. She told him he didn’t wreck the night and he stopped talking for the night.

What she never understood is why he believed she was upset at things like this. She was a very easy going woman who just wanted to spend time with him dinner or not. She could have made them dinner but he had always declined saying he didn’t want her to do all that work just for him. She was willing and loved making food. She also enjoyed going out with him as well but it wasn’t a essential thing for her, just being around him made her happy. Listening to his opinions on things like how the world has become. Politics, something she was never able to speak about with someone else without them needing to he right, if there was ever a difference in opinions with politics he never shoved his views down her throat like most people do even though he was highly interested and knowledgeable in that category. He taught her a lot of things she didn’t know from the past, present and future that she had no clue about and she loves learning and gaining new information. He also was very open about his past relationships and how women had made him feel. It was similar to herself without the domestic violence portion. He had been emotionally abused, also had huge expectations put towards him to change and be what those women wanted, or used for sex by a married person. Also, women were never loyal to him because of his work. He worked long hours and out of province to find out that the woman he was with couldn’t just wait for him to be home they seemed to seek out intimacy with others. That wasn’t fair, and she knew how that felt. Two of her partner’s cheated, including the father of her children. He seemed very upset with women, and he has every right to be. She started to see why he throws himself into his work, doesn’t pay much attention to his phone and it seemed like once he opened up about his past hurt, he slowly lessened the conversation with her. She often invited him randomly to have home made dinner with her and her kids, but he already had plans. She was definitely one who was spontaneous, he is one who is more routine and planning. She understood, you can’t just invite someone few hours beforehand and get mad if they already had plans.

She started to change her bed schedule so she could have the chance to talk with him. It was usually late at night when she would normally be sleeping, but the conversation got lesser and lesser. She tried to rationalize that he is busy, he is working, he is tired from working. She put so much understanding in what he needed but still felt like he lost interest, or was slowly losing interest. It hurt a bit since the things he said about her she wanted to hear for years. Anytime she ever asked her previous partners what they liked about her they would respond with “I just like you” never giving her those specific qualities that they enjoyed about her. She always wondered but never asked. He often spoke of women who would snap at him, freak out if he doesn’t answer. So she tried patience, giving him the space he needed. Even though maybe she did want a bit more attention from him. Or at least a message saying how busy he was but thinking of her. One night she sent him a sexual text to come over. She was alone and in that kind of mood to engage in intimacy. He thought she was she was joking and by the time he replied she was sleeping. They talked again about the friends with benefits situation he told her the next time her kids were away that they could do that. She didn’t want to have sex with a stranger, she felt comfortable around him and safe. She felt that he respected her as he never made her feel pressure into having sex with him. They also made plans to go out for dinner. He asked if she would need to be picked up again, she felt as if it was her fault they didn’t get to eat inside with the extra driving he had to do shaved off time. She said no she could drive herself this time so that they would be able to eat inside. It had been a full year since she ate inside a restaurant. She also knew that if she took the prescription medications that it wouldn’t effect her instantly the next day if she drove, she had the plan to manage the pain before the flare up. She also assumed they would be going back to her place as that is something they spoke of so she didn’t want her body to break down on her day of.

Like usual dinner was great, and so was the conversation. He spoke more about his family dynamics as she was doing through one with her mother. They laughed and had a great evening. She thought he would be coming over after dinner but that didn’t happen. She thought they were going to cuddle but she drove home feeling like it was all again things she wanted to hear. She messaged him when she got home that she was home safe and he said the same. The conversation ended. She started to become emotional she didn’t want to be this ping pong ball of yes, no, yes, no that he seemed to be doing. She thought maybe he wasn’t trying to be this way but it was how she was feeling. So she sat before bed and wrote out exactly what she was feeling. He responded with wow, I don’t know what to say. In her mind she was screaming “I just want to know what you want” sex? Friendship? Long term, what. They had gone around in circles with this subject for so long now she didn’t even know what he wanted. He told her all I seem to do is hurt you. She explained that she did this to herself. She kept her hope that what he said the day she got into the accident was real that he wanted to know her and eventually be with her. She was fine with just being his friend but he kept opening and closing other doors. She cried herself to sleep that night. She was sad that things were shifting and felt like it was all her fault. She started to think about things and what she knew to be true. If people want to be apart of your life they make time. He was making time for dinners but never for conversation anymore. He always thought she was mad at him, but she never was just disappointed that she had been wrong again on what he wanted and what she thought was going to happen. Slowly they drifted apart from conversation.

She would try random conversation, he would read or say one word answers. She got diagnosed with a long term illness he said oh that’s not good. There was no caring anymore. She fucked up somehow. She pushed him away with her honesty or at least that’s how she felt about it. She never really got an answer to why he went back and forth. He just apologized for it. One day she got up the nerve to ask him what was going on. Should she give up and stop talking or should she continue and he was just busy as he said he was. He told her that they would talk about this later, that he had just been thinking about her and misses her but he was out for dinner. The conversation never came back. They never spoke of what was going on or what he wanted from this. She invited him to her birthday he said yes told her he could be there afternoon. She explained her grandmother was bringing cake and the day before she asked if he was going to be coming. He had new plans, but was willing to drive to see her that morning. Trying to be understanding she told him not to stress save gas and enjoy the day. He got upset accused her of pushing him away. That was not her intensions but in text maybe it did look that way. She was grocery shopping when he messaged he wouldn’t be coming for the festivities and only could pop in to say hello that day. He said happy birthday to her the next day after ignoring her messages of not trying to push him away. She said thanks the conversations got less and less. He told her he had a shitty day on her birthday and wanted to call the next day and tell her about it. He never called. She knew at this point she had to give up. He obviously didn’t want her in his life. He no longer seemed afraid to lose her he is a busy person and she knew that she needed more communication, even from just a friend. She felt bad that they seemed to not even be friends anymore. She felt it was all her fault. They ended up having another longer conversation a few days after over price of scrap her wanting to run away to another province she had nothing here only her grandmother. She wanted to pack up her kids and start new she felt so hurt by everything, she was also depressed at her new diagnosis. He seemed in that conversation to still want to be apart of her life. She didn’t ever really know what he wanted. The conversation then just got left on read, or wasn’t answered at all. She guesses she’s got to let go he seemed to.

She never wanted to feel this way, she tried her best to be his friend but sometimes you cannot help who you like. It just happens. She tried her best to keep up conversation she was always honest with him. She told him everything about herself, her past, her days what weird things were happening what kind of choices she had to make her future. Day in and day out just wanting back that first meeting of laughter and cuddling, or friendship without judgement. Wanting him to continue to be that guy who made her feel less inadequate in life and more worth living it. He seemed to always be there when she needed someone to talk to now just a by standard in her life from afar. Things change. Maybe he found someone better. She tried to ask but never got the answer. She knows that sometimes things will just go unanswered and accepting that is the best. She has good memories and that is something she can keep.