Boring-Interesting Life Update

I haven’t lived that long a life. I will soon be going into my early twenties but something that I realize now is my life isn’t how I imagined it would be when I was younger. Let me elaborate.

When I was younger, I wanted to be a lot of things. A nurse, a doctor, a lawyer, and the list went on. Never would I have imagined Computer Science. Then, at a certain point, I chose the path of medicine. Part of the reason why was because it intrigued me, but another reason was that I certainly watched too many dramas and series.

I guess that’s how you know that they’re good actors. They are so passionate it can convince one to go down a certain career path that has been portrayed. My mind was sometimes painfully imaginative. I imagined myself as this very successful surgeon who was always called when there was a risky surgery to perform. Of course, some of these fantasies stemmed up from these dramas, but I digress.

I ended up hating Sciences. To this day, anyone who studies these three subjects: Physics, Chemistry, or Biology has my respect. Of course, all subjects are important but those three especially intimidated me. I decided not to swell on that career path anymore.

It irked me that my life was not moving according to plan anymore and I became sullen about it. I became so sullen, it took me a year to overcome.

As a child, I was what was considered ‘smart’. So obviously, after being told that you are so smart and intelligent, it starts becoming part of your personality. At least it became part of mine. So, imagine when I got to higher education, and I was not doing as well as I was in elementary school. It devastated me. I was sure that I was smart so the fact that I didn’t do well in all my subjects, especially when you come from a family where failure is not an option, put a lot of pressure on me. I was sinking. The year-long sullen mood did not help either.

By the time I graduated High School, I was numb and was pretty sure I had developed an inferiority complex. There, I said it. It took me a while to admit and that was partly because when I told someone about it, they would just invalidate it and I would be left to think if it was all me. I also had realized that all my ‘friends’ were toxic and didn’t care about me. It was scary to think that I spent six years thinking that I made life-long friends. I got over it though. It was in the past.

At this point, I was spiralling. I thought my life was in shambles. I thought back then that I needed therapy but anytime I brought it up, it was shut down. I forgot about it then, just focusing on the present. I had thought that that was what growing up was and I hated it. I hated ‘growing up’

When I got to university, the pandemic hit, and it had its ups and downs. Of course, the whole cause for it was sad, but certain things happened. Memories that I both wanted and didn’t want were all remembered. I had many bad days but equally good ones. At some point, I was just tired. This trash can of emotions inside my heart was close to overflowing and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because I was scared of being judged.

I would find myself comparing more successful people around my age to myself and would ask what I was doing with my life. ‘Why wasn’t I like them?’ were my thoughts. I could only move on though. Then, more questions. Was I meant for the career path I was currently chasing? More specifically:

Am I sure I want to do this?

The question would pop up anytime I failed in a course, and it was not helping matters that my social life was nonexistent as well.

At this point, I knew I needed some form of counselling (Reference to my other story: My first counselling session.) It was one of the best decisions I have made to this day.

I decided to step up in my academics and while it may not be the best, I believe there is still room for improvement. My inferiority complex still pops up, especially in my academics but I have reminded myself that such is life. My father always told me that there will always be someone more knowledgeable than you and what you can do is learn from them, rather than wallow in your self-pity.

That about sums up my life till recent. It is the complete opposite of how and where I thought I would be. I don’t know my feelings about it yet, but I can only go forward.

Do you want to know what’s funny? This whole story was a twenty-minute walk around town. I consider it a boring yet interesting tale.