In all of my lows, Hashem has always been there for me.
In my darkest moments He has always reminded me of my worth.
If not through scripture, He tends to use those I love to speak to me.
The comforting reminders I need when I’m about to break.
Before you, I was seriously considering some dark paths.
I wanted to just complete the "lost" feeling inside of me.
Whatever that meant.
Sounds crazy, doesn’t it?
Who would’ve thought I’d consider darkness?
I was looking for attention, something real.
I looked around me for so long and noticed nothing, but stress and darkness.
I wanted love and felt so empty.
Just writing about this is making me tear up.
I’m feeling so vulnerable. Blogging has been my therapy.
I lost my self-worth completely pleasing those around me.
At that point, I purposely looked to start a "night life".
Something rebellious and unsafe, eventually.
Something that I knew felt real.
Excessive drinking, even though I’ve always been more reserved.
Partying, because why not?
I remember my first time clubbing. I was 21 and my best friend Fernanda came over at 10pm from Kissimmee. She asked me if I wanted to try it out, little did we know, her boyfriend was there with another girl and so things skyrocketed once we got there. I had more than a handful of guys who probably didn’t care about me, but they still wanted me. So, why not?
I never pictured myself unhappy, soon to be divorced and in a life like that. But I thought, "oh well". Anyways, we came home at 3am, she cried so much and we drank a whole bottle of wine.
No, I didn’t get into any of the guys back at the club, I emphasized I was there solely for my best friend.
Moving on, this is the life I was trying to get mentally prepared for whether or not I’d be happy or whatever.
The more I tried to mentally prepare for that, the more I felt tugs in my heart to talk to you, whether you’d reply or not.
I didn’t quite understand this feeling, because from my experience, well, I just rather not think about it.
When we spoke again, those moments comforted me.
When you agreed to meet, even if just for a couple hours, I can’t describe what was going on inside of me.
I just know that there was a plan behind all of this.
Whether you know it or don’t, I’ve always been here for you.
I just never wanted to get in the way of your happiness or disrespect you.
I especially didn’t want to hold you back. If that’s what was going on. There are conversations that I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to face, but all I know is I don’t want to hold you back.
You’ve always meant so much to me and just knowing that you’re there for me, brought life and took away the emptiness I was feeling for so many years.
You are the blessing, the reason for the tugs in my heart.
The reason I no longer want my "night life" experiences.
I no longer feel empty, but I do miss you everyday.
Just remembering our conversations, makes me smile randomly.
I am so happy to know this caged feeling is temporary.
That’s literally how I feel. Caged. And I think that’s why it makes it so hard.
I don’t want to just do things without structure.
Wondering if you’ll be waiting for me.
Knowing we can be totally honest with one another.
I believe there was a plan behind all of these events.
For that, I’m beyond thankful.