I'm talking about whenever a person crosses your mind. whenever they appear period, out of nowhere.
Here’s a better example, when you find yourself thinking about nothing, yet they appear and just like that you begin to wish they were a part of your life.
Do you know what I'm referring to?
It's a feeling of adrenaline mixed with excitement mixed with crack maybe.
It's so hard to write about something like this, something I've always felt.
My heart almost comes out of my mouth saying, "HEY! YOU! CAN'T YOU NOTICE ME?"
I feel this unrealistic adrenaline form within me and this desire to be with them immediately. To kiss them.
I thought this feeling would've died down by now and clearly it hasn't.
I've got precious memories and tons of questions.
I get lost in my thoughts, like I've been placed back into a labyrinth and there's no one to guide me out.
It's like every corner I see memories and I feel them again as if it was just yesterday.
Ever feel guilty for wanting to relive something?
I swear it's something addictive, because I catch myself looking at the wall and yet I'm imagining my past with someone who made it so easy to make me feel like I didn't matter.
Of course not in the moment, but after I wasn't "convenient"? Is that the term? I've never been easy, but I do give myself emotionally. I can sit there and hug someone I care about for hours if it means it makes them happy.
I do not believe I'm replaceable in any way shape or form, because until this day I haven't found anyone remotely like myself.
I have trust issues and I know it.
How can I not?
I've been let down more times than I can count.
I've cried so much that I've spent days in silence, so vulnerable.
And yet, I find myself available for anyone who needs me.
The one I'm touching base on was like this. Almost always there for me.
Now it's been years and our last experience wasn't the best, but I find it so hard to judge all of our memories negatively just because of one.
Are you like that?
Is there anyone else like this?
Like, I would literally bend backwards if it means helping someone I care about.
With him there was no "pretty please" or any please at all. I asked and he did the cutest thinking face on the planet and I knew he'd say yes to me.
It's why I have so many questions as to how I've been let down so easily by so many.
There's one in mind that I want to ask, "was it worth it?" and "Did you find what you were looking for?" I want answers.
It shocks me that after all of these years, these feelings suddenly reappeared and its as if our hearts are trying to pull us back together. I feel that so strongly.
I believe we've crossed paths twice and it doesn't seem like he noticed, but I definitely did.
My heart skipped a beat or two and it felt just like the first time. My body physically froze both times.
It's as if I got hit with 2X butterflies. I found my motivation.
I've been dedicating this year to working on myself, my health emotionally and physically.
I don't know if we will ever cross paths again, but I hope it sparks something beautiful.
I believe in destiny and strongly feel that things happen for a reason.
There is a reason for anything under the sun.
I'm unpacking emotions, myself entirely.
I'm finding myself, my joy, and reason.