Birthday Confessions

“Cousins are usually the first friends we have as children. No one will ever understand your crazy family like your cousins do.”

Today (December 4th) is Faith Marlow’s birthday. She’s a beautiful, talented woman and I truly hope that she knows how very much that she means to me. We have so much in common, it truly amazes me to see just how similar that we are.

A lot has happened throughout the years, and although we have made our peace with the past, I wanted to take this most special day to make sure that the truth, and my heart are both fully understood.

Honestly, I was played against her from the very first moment that I laid eyes on her. I remember so clearly the day that she came home from the hospital. She fought a long, hard battle to make it, and there were times when she almost didn’t. Of course, I didn’t understand any of that, I was just a little girl myself. All that I knew for certain was that I wanted to hold that tiny, little baby so badly.

She was a preemie; I didn’t understand that my germy little hands were potentially dangerous. Everyone just shooed me away from her, and I even got a spanking for being so annoying. I sat in the corner crying because she was new and special, and now, I was being yelled at for something that I just couldn’t figure out. I was old enough to understand, but nobody took the time to explain anything to me...I was just told to get away.

I recall our grandmother taking me into her bedroom and telling me that Faith was sickly, and that when she grew a little bit, I would be able to love on her. The very first time that I was truly allowed to be close to her was when her mother (my aunt) sit down and the couch and called me over. She was the first baby that I had ever seen, she looked like a little doll and I was in love.

As we both grew, so did our love and friendship. I would have fought the whole world for her. She didn’t know at the time, but at home I was terribly mistreated. I lived in fear every single day of my life. My father was an alcoholic who came home in violent rages, I seen him beat on my mother so many times. For a little girl this was absolutely horrifying. When I heard his old truck pull up in front of the house I would run and find a place to hide. After my mother took her punishment, she’d turn her anger on me, and then I was the one getting hit and beat on.

My safe and happy place was at our mamaw’s house. That’s where I knew that I was safe, and nobody was allowed to hurt me there. That’s also where the love of my life was at. The happiest parts of my childhood were finding Faith, and spending countless hours dancing around the clothes lines and just sitting and talking in mamaw’s bedroom. I never told her about what happened at home though because my mother would beat me even worse if I dared to speak a word about it. I made that mistake once and I certainly didn’t want to do it again.

To fully understand my situation, you’ll need to know that my mother was (is) an abusive, controlling, narcissists. My whole life was spent being told that everything was my fault. I was even told that she wanted a son, but had to take what she was given. Everything that was wrong with her own life was twisted and bent to become my fault. It was my fault that my father was an alcoholic. It was my fault that he cheated on her. It was my fault that her marriage was falling apart. I was a horrible kid and nobody loved me. That’s what I was constantly told and what I eventually accepted and believed to be the truth.

By the time that I was around 10 years old, my mother began attacking the very last piece of happiness that I had – My relationship with Faith and let me tell you, it completely broke my heart.

"Nobody loves you as much as they love her."

"You’re an embarrassment to all of them."

"She thinks that she’s better than you."

"Why can’t you be more like her?"

"They all laugh at you."

"They say that you’ll never amount to anything."

"Faith is the golden child, you’re nothing to them."

This is only a very few of the toxic thoughts that was planted into my mind. If my own mother said it, as a child I figured that it had to be true. I slowly began to pull away from everyone, not only Faith, but away from everyone that I had once so dearly loved and trusted.

I remember one Summer when Faith, her parents and our grandmother went to Florida with our aunt. I wanted to go so badly, but instead of being told that we couldn’t afford it, I was told that nobody wanted me there because it was Faith’s special trip. When everyone returned and was showing off their photos, I refused to even look at them. Right in front of everyone my mother blurted out “She’s just jealous because she didn’t get to go.” All eyes were on me...I was mad and I was hurt. That was the starting point of my downfall.

I never did anything really bad to Faith, I just felt so ashamed of myself when she was near. I truly believed that everyone loved her more, and that they all looked down on me. Even my own father was led to believe these terrible lies so when he confirmed what my mother was saying, there was no changing my mind. Everyone thought that I was the bad kid, the unlovable one, so I made it my mission to prove them all right, and to give them exactly what they expected from me.

I stole Faith’s Christmas tree ornament off of our grandmother’s tree. I deliberately ignored her, and made rude comments about her. I’d even hide her toys or purposely tear them up. Anything that I could do that might possibly inflict a little bit of pain upon her. I wanted her to feel the way that I did. - unwanted and unloved. But make no mistake about it, this little girl was unbreakable. No matter what I done, she always smiled, and move right along.

It wasn’t until we were both grown, married women that I truly began seeing what was happening. I started talking to our mamaw, and to other family members. I knew that I had been lied to, they all loved me, even though I had been such an ass. I tried apologizing to Faith, but I was so ashamed. Honestly, I wasn’t sure that I even deserved her forgiveness.

Our best years together had been stolen from us; I had been denied the only true friend that I ever had. Someone that would have stood beside of me through anything and ohh how I needed that so very much.

One day while I was talking to our grandmother, she said “Rebecca, Faith loved you so much, she said that she would have run away with you if you’d have asked her to.....but then you turned on her.” With tears in my eyes, I asked “Will you help me fix it?” She said “I’ll do what I can, but this is something that you and her will have to do...nobody else can fix it.” But now Faith was married, had a grown son, and was living miles away...I barely knew her now.

Years passed, and I still didn’t know how to make this right. By now my mother had tried to completely ruin my life and had achieved a great deal. I had gone through depression, so bad that I hadn’t brushed my hair in months, suicidal thoughts plagued me, I was a mess, and I had nobody to turn to.

My mamaw and I forged an unbreakable bond during this time...she was all that I had. She was the only person who knew the entire truth. I’d call her at 2:00 AM crying like a baby and we’d talk until the sun came up. She saved me. A lot of our talks were about Faith, and about what amazing friends we could have been. She never lost hope that we would someday find our way back together.

We lost our grandmother a few years ago, and one of the last things that she said to me was “Please, make things right with Faith, she knows, she understands, and she still loves you.” I promised that I’d find her and fix all of the broken pieces.

About a year ago I found out that my mother (her aunt) had been utilizing Facebook in an attempt to cause her grief. I done what I should have done a long time ago...I stood up for my baby cousin and I done everything that I could to make it stop. The pain had to end and it was well over due.

Since then, we’ve stayed in contact and I feel really good about our relationship.

I know that I have said this before, but I’ll never be able to say it enough.

"Faith, I love you...and I am so sorry. It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t know and I didn’t understand, but now I do, and I promise I will never hurt you ever again nor will I ever stand back and let anyone else hurt you.

I will never do anything but shine a positive light on your life and remain in your corner no matter what. I’d give anything to regain the years that we lost, but just always know that I’ll always treasure the time that we have in front of us.

From the deepest parts of my soul, I love you!