Awkward Human

For most of my life, I have always felt as if I never quite fully fit in. I was always one of the most awkward human beings to exist. At least from my perspective.

I was never popular in school with my classmates. I usually had my nose buried in a book. A group of boys actually made fun of me for bringing my Amazon Kindle to school. I had never been super into sports. I started drinking alcohol later than most of the people surrounding me did in my later high school years. I always was just awkward. I always just felt that way. I still really am, even to this day. I prefer my solitude. It brings me comfort, being alone.

As a young girl growing up, I had to defend my love for video games. Girls poked fun at me because it was nerdy. Don't kid yourself. I used to rock this bright yellow Claire's eyeshadow in the seventh grade in order to express my individuality a little more. My parents despised it. I almost always felt as if I did not fit in. I remember one Christmas, I specifically asked for brand name DC clothing in order to "look the part" for school. Now that I think about it, that was embarrassing to feel that I had to dress a certain way in order to be accepted.

Working for my family's business for the better part of ten years, I also felt as if I never fully quite fit in there. It was tough because you were always working with people that would consider your family their bosses. I was okay with how things were for a really long time. I always felt okay with not really being a part of any type of popular crowd. But I am telling you, it does get a little lonely. Somedays I feel as if I have nobody to talk to besides the walls. I just feel different than most people and I am still learning how to be okay with that. I am okay with embracing myself now as a twenty-three-year-old adult because I know who I am truly at heart. It takes a very special person in order to have me open up to them now at this stage of my life.

The best part of my days is raising my two children, but at the same time, because I am a young mom, I find that I don't quite fit in with the other younger mothers that surround me. And because of my age, I don't quite fit in with the ones that are older than me. It really has been a challenging year and COVID isolation did nothing but make my anxiety incredibly worse. I never was designed to be a stay-at-home mom.

I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. Now I don't as much anymore. I learnt that lesson very early on in this life. I guard my heart a lot more than I should because I am afraid to be hurt. I definitely have found that backbone that my mother and father chastised me for not having as a child within these later years of my life.

My advice to this reader who is also feels as if they do not fit in anywhere... Embrace being awkward. Embrace being yourself. I like to think that it gets you places. I still struggle with my awkward anxious nature but I like to think that I am more comfortable in my own skin now more than I was five years ago. I still like to wear killer yellow eyeshadow in order to feel more like "me" from time to time. I like to think that being open and honest about yourself brings the right people home to you.

Chloe Rose Violet