Awkward Confessions

I think its time to be honest with myself, I have been single for over 5 years. I'm at the age ( 30 to be exact) where my group of friends & family members are married & have children. But here I am stuck like glue in someway when it comes to love & marriage. Within the last 3 years I have attended nearly 10 baby showers, 3 engagement dinners & 2 weddings. Financially it was draining because I had to buy so many gifts & outfits that I lost count. But looking back it dawned on me that I'm still "alone". I don't believe that marriage or kids is the perfect recipe for a woman to feel fulfilled or be happy. I don't envy the relationships of my friends but I sure do wish that I wasn't single sometimes. When my mom asked me when I was going to get married or even have kids I kind of dismissed her really out of shame & embarrassment. Once a woman hits 30 society has conditioned her that if she isn't married or expecting children then something must be wrong with her. You know once a woman hits 30 her biological clock starts "ticking" and she must have a marriage planned & her life all figured out at 30 REALLY at 30. Well I must admit something is wrong with me I'm still not over my ex boyfriend who I dated in high school which was so long ago. I'm not even going to tell you how long just know it was a long time ago. He's married with 2 children (I find that out by looking on his wife's Facebook lol) but I still find myself thinking about us & what could've been. We had a really nasty breakup followed by my family moving to a different state. This was pre social media & I didn't even have a cellphone so there was no way we could keep in touch or even apologize to each other. Since that day I have never seen him in person again I have seen him online but that's about it. He was my first REAL crush my social media passwords is his name & his age when we broke up. I didn't realize that I wasn't over him until my therapist pointed it out because she couldn't figure out why I wasn't allowing myself to be vulnerable or completely open to men. She suggested I get closure by trying to meet with him but I didn't think that would be a good idea, he has moved on with his love life & I don't think it would be fair to interrupt it because of my feelings. I have dated some great guys since then but I want to feel the butterflies I felt at 16 when it was just me & him walking home from school sharing a medium strawberry milkshake with one straw. Taylor Swifts album Fearless was literally the soundtrack of my love life we had our own personal song. We shared our deepest secrets he told me things that I will take to my grave because of my loyalty to him. It would be nice if we randomly bumped into to each other or even had dinner, wishful thinking huh? I still remember us talking about him going away to camp after sophomore year, catching up on basketball games & playing truth or dare. I've been trying so hard to manifest love into my life I would really love to have a prince charming who sweeps me off my feet. But I'm still holding on to a fairytale that we will end up together when its all said & done. I know it sounds a bit delusional & far fetched but if I had one wish that would be it.