As I say goodbye

As I say goodbye, I can feel the many wonderful memories feel my soul as I let go of her. I let go because she was who I needed to grow up with. She was who I needed to help raise me into the woman that I am. She has provided such wisdom and influenced me by who she is. She is my grandmother.

My grandmother isn’t just an ordinary grandma who bakes cookies and spoils you. She lived with a disease almost her whole life. A huge disease that could’ve ripped her apart. She has had cancer for many decades. Yet, she chose to rise above it and allow God to lead the way.

She never gave up, not once. She has been so incredibly honest, kind, and generous to me her whole life. She has given me joy with her smile and captivating presence. As I panicked a bit on the inside about being vulnerable which I’m not good at, I built up the courage to tell her how I feel.

“I’m going to miss you” I said. “I know it’s your time and I have to let you go”. She started to get teary eyed. She said I have so much life that I lived with you, 31 years we had together. Remember me when you go on your walks and think of a the good memories we have. The best advice she knew to give me. She told me how strong I was for dealing with my mental illness. I told her I’m strong because of you.

We both say I love you. With smiles on our faces and tears in our eyes we link soul to soul and I can feel a beginning of a new day begin. I don’t like change, I’m not good at it. It’s time for me to focus on me and live my life she reminded me.

My heart ached but she gave me so much clarity, and I feel so happy to have been chosen to be her granddaughter.

I walk to the table and sit. I look out the window and with sympathy myself I start to cry. I remember what she told me about the good memories.

I remember all the little toys she had in her patio at her old house she gave me and my siblings to play with. I remember the slipping side and cookie jar. I remember the ice cream cones she gave us. I remember watching the price is right with her in the mornings. I remember the hugs she gave me every time she saw me. I remember the joy I felt every time I saw her. I remember the countless I love yous and I’m proud of you. I remember everything.

The last time she cooked a meal for me I’ll never forget it. It still feels like it was yesterday she did that for me. She cooked her last meal and it was just me and her. Ill never forget it and of course as we ate we watched a game show.

Grandmas, are an incredible gift from above. The heavens are rejoicing because they get to have my grandma soon. I’ve never wanted to live. There were times in my life I just wanted to die for the sake of it. I wanted to go into nothingness. That feeling doesn’t exist anymore. I want to see my grandma again and I hope and pray I get to someday again. Grandma because of you I want to live. God I know you will love my grandma more than I could and for that I’m forever grateful you gave her and I life together.