And just like that

I knew I was attracted to both sexes when I was 7 years old when I was in 1st grade. I even recall my first guy crushes. Their names were Michael Thornton, Zack Killian, and Cody something his last name escapes me (Especially Michael Thornton woo Jesus) but I recall telling myself that I didn’t (in kid speak) "like them like them" and I recall my rationale being something like telling myself I adored them for being entertaining and nice and cool, but clearly, I couldn't put my finger on it because that terminology wasn't available to me yet at that age and as I grew older, I would tell myself that I didn’t want guys I just noticed if they "looked good". Like how girls can/are allowed to acknowledge if other girls look good and still be straight. There was lots of self-loathing, self-doubt, confusion, denial, loneliness, etc. I recall some nights begging god crying to make me normal and saying I would do ANYTHING if he would just make me "normal". The feeling of being the only one, the fear of being shunned by my family, friends, school teachers, peers, etc. And the list goes on and on and on because at that age I didn’t know there were millions like me out there it felt like I was the only one, and I thought I was going to hell because of what I had learned in church my entire life, and that scared me to death, etc.

Well along came 8th grade, and I told my best friend at the time Taylor Kelly over the phone that I thought this guy in school was hot, and she was in shock, not a bad shock more like an OMG no way laugh kind of shock, and we got off the phone, and I was freaking out that I had informed someone, so I called her back laughing saying "you thought I was serious? wow! you’re so gullible it’s so easy to mess with you” and she seemed to have believed me, so I felt safe again. Then there was this openly gay boy named Matthew Kelly in my P. E class when I was 13 and in class, he would regularly tell me who he thought the hot guys in our class were, and he said I was one of them, and he would goof around and try to grab my manhood and repeatedly tell me I was gay, and I would consistently say “dude I am straight” he became a friend, and we talked on the phone sometimes after school, and he would constantly tell me I was hot, and I would be like "dude you’re crazy" and laugh it off but one night we were talking on the phone, and he started telling me what he wanted to do with me, essentially having phone sex with me and I played it off like I didn’t like it, but it aroused me.

Fast-forwarding a little in the future, while I was still in 8th grade and 13 going on 14 years old.

One day my friends and I went to the community pool, it was me, Meagan and Taylor and Meagan said she had something to confess to us, and we said "what is it" and she grinned and swam away, and we chased her and begged for her to confess to us, and she paddled away some more, and we chased her some more, and finally, she informed us she was bisexual and that was the first time I had heard that word and one of us asked her what that meant, and she said it meant she "liked girls and guys" and I said "wow are you serious? well, I have something to confess to you guys, I am bisexual too! " And after I announced that Taylor said she was bisexual also, and we all screamed and were just super excited and started sharing our crushes that were of the same sex and weeks or a month passed by and Taylor took it back but Meagan and I never took it back from that moment on and from that time on I told everybody and anybody.

My best friend Cassidy and I would scream out the window in/from the car when we passed people or when we were hanging out at the community park, "I LOVE BEING BISEXUAL". Metaphorically speaking it was like I went on a date and broke the ice and once the ice was broken, it was SO easy to be open about who I was EXCEPT with my parents. Everyone in my entire school/entire life knew EXCEPT them. I’ve had no kind of relationship with any of my siblings, so I never planned on making it a big deal to mention it to them because we weren’t close or even friends, so I thought why bother? I mean, I had nieces and nephews my age if that tells you how much older my siblings were/are and how long they had been moved out at that point. But moving on. I informed one of my nieces.


Fast-forward to 2 to 3 years later, jumping from me being 13 to me being 16 going on 17. My brother had texted me for some reason or another and my signature at that moment in time was "I love being bisexual" it was a pride thing between me and my best friend Cassidy Boyster at the time and I would always remember to backspace it if I texted someone who didn’t know BUT that day I forgot. So two days afterward (it’s October) the night after my town’s Mardi Gras was over I was lying in bed watching TV with my friend Tyler who was asleep who was someone I had done stuff with kind of like a friend with a ONE-TIME benefit. But anyhow my mom came in and announced "hey I need to talk to you about something in the morning” and I said “okay” having many thoughts about what it could be.



I wake up the next morning and watched Saturday morning cartoons and ate cereal and had a shower and brushed my teeth and got dressed in my room, and after I went into the living room and sat down and said "what did you need to talk about mom” she said "it has something to do with a text it was sent in a text" and I said "huh I have no idea what you’re talking about? “and she said "something you sent to your brother” and I pulled my phone out and re-read all the messages, and it took me a moment to figure out I had forgotten to erase my signature. At this stage my heart is beating 100 miles a minute, and she said "are you gay?” and I’m shaking, and my eyes are becoming super watery, and I'm trying with everything I have to fight the tears and I roll my eyes and say "no mom I’m not gay I’m bisexual, and it means I prefer boys and girls” and she looked shocked and seeing her face like that kind of hurt my soul and I responded "I plan on marrying a girl because I want kids and I have always had this white picket fence fantasy about having a wife and kids" and I went on saying “BUT I will always have feelings for guys I find them attractive" and she asked me if I had done stuff with a guy before, and I said "yes", and she said “here?” and I said “yeah why do you think guy friends stay the night all the time” and I laughed and said I was joking and went on to say I “I don’t want every guy I see mom” and at this point I said “so how are you feeling about this” terrified of the answer, and she said “you’re still jimmy you’re still my son and I love you” and I hugged her and said “I was so scared you would hate me” and then she told me her brother Allen was gay, and I said “no way” and she said “yeah he has a gay flag in his window” and I said “no he doesn’t” because I had walked past his house a lot because he lived right across the street from us so I looked out the window and I saw it and said “wow”.

A couple of days went by and I said to her “did you tell dad” and she said "yes" and I said "what did he say" and she said "he doesn’t care as long as you’re happy" and after that, I began to bring a boyfriend around and just like that the rest is history.

(Anecdotally, I will say there was one occasion where my dad saw my boyfriend zander kiss me and make me dinner and he said “aw wow he loves you” with a smile on his face and it made my jaw drop figuratively speaking it almost seemed like my dad was more okay with it then my mom at the time but from that point on everyone I had ever come into contact with knew and I declared it on myspace and that's the end of my coming out story)