An open letter to the people who call me, you, anyone at all... a friend...

To those of you who would call me your good friend, even a best friend:

No. This wonʻt be one of those "this is how you treat your friend" writings.

This is one of those "get a clue" writings, because sometimes, those who would call us their friends need to know when they are not being the greatest friend at all.

You see, to be someoneʻs friend, you have to also bother with making regular contact, namely because of the state of the world right now.

It is hard to be the friend who reaches out all the time. Typically this is what women do when it is their partner who is not reaching out, not talking as much and pretty much just keeping us in that place where now, we feel like we are just there because that is the status quo.

This is why people think some women are crazy.

We are not crazy.

We are tired of being ignored by people, but especially those people who call us a friend.

And no this is not about the sort of "friend" that all of us, at one time or another in our lives, has had. I do not have any friends with benefits unless the benefit is simply and only their actual love and friendship. This is not and neither has this feeling ever been about whatever is a FWB.

This is about actual friends, and people who we love, and trust, and honor with those things. I have no friends with benefits. I donʻt need one. Not now.

Not ever.

I am not one of those people who cares much about status, or who you know, or what you do (unless it harms other people intentionally, then we will have a conversation about it - and I promise you that you will not like it at all, but, when the hell have you ever known me to be anything more than totally truthful with you, and namely when you tell me to tell you the truth even if it hurts....). You each, all of you who would call me a friend (and for some of you, a best friend, at that), know that there are things that have happened in my life that would cause it that I do not have all of the same conveniences that you each have.

Yet, that seems to elude you all the time.

Again... this is not about a car that I do not have, or a house that I would love to live in, or a status or a job title or anything like that. This is about the time that people spend on the relationships that they have with our friends.

Friends are important. They give us the truth when we need it. It is up to us to be able to deal with that truth once we have hurt our friend, and up to us to do what we can to make sure that our friends KNOW that we are truly their friend.

If we cannot do that ...then really, why call a person your friend if you do not know what their measure of that is? Like they are not in your brain, you are not in theirs, and you cannot speak for them, and it is not up to you to tell them that you did not mean it "that way" - because no one is allowed to expect someone else to believe, accept, feel a certain way, and for sure no one is allowed to tell someone else that they ought not feel like they do, just because those who did not mean it say they did not mean it.

To tell someone after the fact is cruelty.

Yeah...I feel like a few of you just plain old do not care. I promise I can handle that much, because it is the truth.

What I cannot handle is someone telling me over and over again they are sorry...and then they do not take steps to change the way that they made you feel (again and again) - fully well knowing that as it stands, you have already been through a whole lot, and it would be nice if they would just reach out.

They donʻt.

YOU donʻt, but, you want the people who call you and who you call a friend to understand that the way that you do your friendships seems and feels conditional, but if someone like me changes that up, it has already been proven that you will not tell the truth.

In fact, you will go further and tell someone like me that I was dreaming all of this up, that you did not say this, that and the other, that you did not mean to upset me.

You upset me.

And I am sure that you have done this to a lot of other people and you either do not know, or, you do not care. There is no in between.

Especially when my or anyone elseʻs ears bled for you.

More than one time.

And some who would call me a friend seem to believe that somehow, the only time that I am worth your time is when you need me to read your Astrology, or you need to feel less ugly in the soul for the things that you think people are judging you for.

I will state this - they are TOTALLY judging you, but I donʻt, and when it comes down to the idea that each time you needed this life coach to be that for you, I did NOT let you down.

Nope.

I do not need you to tell me this (again) because I do not forget it when my friends no longer hurt, even for just a tiny sliver of time.

But, here we are, in the middle of this ....stuff...going on in this world, at a time when having our friends (because you all know how well me and my blood get along, other than my kids and a few cousins...we donʻt) is one of the most very important things that anyone could claim to having.

It is not that I need you...I love you, and that is why I am writing this, because whenever you guys need an answer, the first thing that I do is take to my keyboard so that I can possibly come up with something that makes sense. That I love you is the reason that, for all of my life, I have a hard time letting go.

I do not just love anyone, and I do not love everyone the same way. I love my friends endlessly, and I like believing that you each and all know this. Whenever it has been that you needed me, I was there.

I keep secrets for you, but donʻt worry - at the age of 51, almost 52, I ought to be able to get past these kinds of things that you have done, but I cannot and will not breach that trust - that will be all YOU.

You have managed to breach mine is why.

When people make a friend, they want that friend to be part of their life actively - and yeah, some of us appreciate it when that friend tells us that they cannot offer what we can, but that they love us none the less. This ainʻt about beinʻ that stuff called "needy" - nope.

This is about that stuff called balance, fairness, and friendship, and for a lot of people, that last thing....friendship...is something that they really have no clue about when it comes to people who have been in their lives and did not waver in their, in our stance - there are some of us who are very good friends, and then there are those who tell people that this is what they are. When I say it, I know that I am right.

And let it be well known NOW that I really dislike stating that I know when I am right, because it means that I have had to sit and think about it and eventually write it all down.

For years I have been there for a lot of people. When I am not given that in return, after never having asked for it to be (because actual friends know that we do not have to ask for them to be there for us - they actually know how to do that) I tend to get a little testy and very, very dearly hurt.

This is where I am right now with some of you.

I never thought that when I got to be this age that I would not have to tell people how to treat the friends who have been there for a long time, and never did I think that I would have to write about it at length.

Yet, here I am.

Being Hawaiian means that the thing that you know, are taught about, is in your blood, bones, soul and middle name - and that you NEVER have to tell people to stop taking advantage of it, to please stop doing that because that is NOT what friends are for and neither do friends like that stuff.

When you give your friendship to others, it is assumed that it will be given back in the same manner.

It is totally because I was brought up with the idea that when you give Aloha, it will be given back - and I donʻt know about you guys, but, the Aloha that I give is always the same.

What I receive in return, I know, is up to you - but, wow....this is all I deserve?

I deserve my friends to not reach out, not ask how I am and for SURE not act like there are things in the lives of the people who they call a friend that they, themselves, would hope that someone who would call them this would give a damn.

Turns out that is the wrong way to think.

I know...I ought to get better friends.

I know this.

But, WHERE?

Does anyone REALLY realize how much of a challenge it is to do that when you are female, stuck living in a place that you would not wish anyone else would have to, thinking and believing that the only people who you will ever have in your life wonʻt be the friends that you have had for a long while?

This is not to say that I do not have ANY friends, but, when the ones that I have had for a long while stay out of touch, not even to tell me things they said they were going to...I know that it is time to just let you have that space.

Believe it when I say that I am willing to one more time give you what you need, and the truth is that you probably wonʻt even realize it until the next time you need an actual friend and one who you do not and never had to do one damned thing for other than be there for me when I needed you to be, and not feel like I know that I never made you feel, which was like we were strangers.

That sucks.

I know - people change, but, all this time, not one of you believed that I might change, that I might become the one who needs your ears, your thoughts, and yeah, the love that friends have between each other, and the love that is sometimes the salvation for people who, for reasons that were not their own, have had their lives and their worlds and the people in their lives markedly turned on its head.

Never mind that people like me are there for you, all the time, and lots of times to our own detriment.

It is easy for people to tell you what they think you ought to do, but it is not as easy to carry those things out, especially when you think that you have the support and love of your friends...and then you find out that no, no you do not, at least not to the degree, not only that you believed you had, but that you thought was the truth of them, as well.

It sucks when you find out otherwise, and usually by surprise.

So, to those people who call me their friend, please know now that I cannot handle things like this - where you will call me your friend and not talk to me for weeks, sometimes months at a time, because you have things going on, and you do not know what to do, even though YOU told me to reach out, and that YOU would be there.

You are not there, at least not the way that you said you would be.

Then you had the nerve to tell me all about what was going on in your life, and it sounds, literally, like once again I am being told that you did not have time, for a whole month, to tell me what was going on, and when you finally did have time, I didnʻt.

Did that make it different for you?

The better question ought to be "what do you think I will do for me, now?"

Do you think I will care when your man STILL does not give a shit, or, do you believe that I will care at all if the new woman that you are courting finds out things about your past that you are not that proud of? Do you think I am going to lie to these people?

Ahhhh yeah...you DO know me, and you DO know that I do not lie to people for ANY reason, because I cannot deal with the drama and the harm that it causes after the fact.

I cannot deal with the idea that I was there for you, to keep your secrets, to hold you when you cried, to stop your crazy ex from literally killing you with whatever it was that she was able to get into her hands at that time....

I cannot deal with the idea that whenever I reach out, like you told me to, you take your sweet damned time to get back to me, as though when I reached out, and on my end I was a shaking, raging mess of tears, you did not only NOT answer your phone...but you did not also call me back just to check if I was okay.

I did that for you, a lot, and now here I am, needing my FRIENDS ears, and not the ones who ALWAYS are there for me - but the ones who I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR.

Do you people actually believe that I do not hurt for you, that I do not care about you enough to actually ASK you how you are, yet, you do NOT do the same in return. And right now I actually NEED my friends.

And the way that I feel right now?

I was there for you

I called and reached out - then left a message and texts.

You do not even REALIZE that I have sat here, alone, thinking that my friends would care even a tiny bit.

I was there for you.

I do not ask for much

Just that you each do the same.

You do not.

You will not, and I have no idea why.

And really, right now?

I am fighting the feeling of no longer caring.

It is a losing fight

When you are someoneʻs friend, and you call them a friend, it is not something that is meant to be one sided, at all.

I know that we are in our 50ʻs but, how does that equate to anyone not needing their friends?

I needed you guys.

What happened?

I am still waiting...maybe...for your answer

One of you were brave enough.

Itʻs all good.

I can walk away, too.

For reals.