All Of It

There are limits in this world that we allow people to cross so often. Why? Why do we do that to ourselves?

We go from here to there. We lose friendships along the way. Become lost in our own self abyss. Blame others when it is really under our control. Blame ourselves when it is out of our own control. Someone tell me why I feel like I am screaming under water and no one hears me. The thought of you drives me insane. But then again, that is my limit. You are my limit. These feelings will not, are not, going to go away. You turned yours off. You found peace in your environment, I never will.

To dive into you is all I want, but that is overwhelming for you and a thought you will not entertain because you are "not ready". You are "confusion". You are the most amazing person I have ever met...

There I go again. Crossing my limit.

To just be friends with you gives me a migraine. I feel unstable knowing that I can't text you. I can't touch you. I can't hug you. I can't even really be around you.

I know you see it. You make things hard for me and you love it. You're not supposed to be cute to me when you are being difficult. I'm not supposed to be intrigued by your mind, your movements, your thoughts. How beautiful you looked in your sweats and t-shirt. You didn't have to try at all...

There I go again. Crossing my limit.

If I could undo those text messages I would, but I see that the pressure was needed to get us to here. To get you to tell me and not keep me feeling. It is good to know where I stand on your scale, even if I don't want too.

I told you that I would respect your decision. And I do, more than you know. But that doesn't stop me from unraveling whenever I see you... No, whenever I think of you.

This is hard.

It is temptation that has me like this? Is this what people say they love? When someone is unavailable so it makes them more attractive? That isn't how I feel though. You are in my sight but I can't have you. And that sucks. Nothing else to it.

When I close my mind off. When I shut my feelings off. I remember you saying that you are being "rational", "logical"... so what am I being?

Lost? Tempted? Toxic? (Gosh, I hope not.)

I want something I can't have. I don't think I've wanted anything more than you, and I get that you're "unsure", which is red... all the way... red...I see it, I acknowledge it, but it doesn't take any of this away for me.

I told you I could sit in your presence all day, I meant that. I could talk to you all day, I meant that. I have never went back on my feelings or what I said to anyone. I did for you. I have never been so sidetracked for anyone. I am with you.

This is hard.

And here I go again. Crossing my limit.

If this is my limit then I want to cross it. I told you I respected you and your decision. I told you I would not chase you. I want to delete your number. I want to be toxic. I want to act like you never existed at all. So that I can heal, not for you, but for me, but you see I can't.

If you felt the same way that I feel about you then you would know all of this, but I don't think you do. And that is okay.

You are my limit.

I respect you.

I will not cross it.