AITA for thinking my husband is sexualising my thirteen year old daughter?

Dear Confessions,

I was sexually abused by my father up until the age of fifteen, when he got me pregnant and I was finally removed from the house and went to live with my aunt and uncle. Since giving birth to our daughter (now 13 years old) I have been very hands on. I refused to let my husband do nappy changes and bath times. I understand that this is my trauma and sought therapy 9 years ago to help me deal with some of my issues.

My daughter recently asked my husband and I if we could get her some more adult underwear as the girls in the changing rooms at school were laughing at her for her childish pants. I was not comfortable with this but my husband agreed and said that maybe it was time to update her wardrobe.

After my daughter left the room, I told my husband I was angry he had agreed and that I felt like he was sexualising her whilst she was still a child. He became enraged and said that he was her father and not my Dad and that I need to stop punishing him because I was abused.

I feel like he should have been more understanding as he knows about my trauma. Am I the arsehole?

Firstly, I think it is important to acknowledge that you have recognised that your trauma has tainted your vision of things here. Raising children when you have suffered such a complete betrayal from your own parent(s) was always going to be difficult as things will constantly trigger those past emotions and memories.

I also want to acknowledge your protective instincts and motivations in these circumstances. You want to keep your baby safe and that is understandable. However, it is important to see your child for who she is now and not for who you were at her age. By the sounds of things she has been protected and well taken care of and I also imagine you have likely had some conversations with her about dangerous situations and exchanges she may encounter in the outside world and what to do in those instances.

She won’t stay little forever and you have to ask yourself if you are ready for that. How will you feel when she has her first boyfriend? When she tells you or when you find out she has had sex? How will you feel when she is an adult and is pregnant? Are you able to cope with those thoughts and feelings?

If any of those situations are triggering to you, then it may be worth seeking out some more therapy. There is no shame in seeking help for your ever evolving home situation.

Personally, I would also speak to your partner when things have cooled down. Explain to him that you know that he isn’t your father and you lacked a positive relationship with your Dad so you aren’t sure what that looks like. Acknowledge that you know he loves your daughter and wants to participate in parenting and that you are doing your best. If you feel like you can, explain what exactly about the situation triggers you, in as much detail as you are able to. If your husband can understand what your concerns are, there may be a way to compromise on this situation and move forward together.

I feel like it is important to mention that parents, all parents regardless of trauma, struggle when their children start to grow up. You hit an awkward phase where you aren’t quite sure how much freedom to give them, what to trust them with and what is appropriate. The important thing is that you try your best and keep lines of communication open.