A Mask I Wear

There is a mask we all wear to hide our feelings. The mask we hide in I should be an expert in.

"She is your mother."

As many times as others say this to me I just want to punch a wall until my knuckles break. She isn't my mother. A mother wouldn't kick her daughter out when she has nothing left to give. I always ask myself, where do I get my thoughts on how a family should act? I feel the hurt inside. I hurt inside and out. Everyone cranks jokes, spare me the emotions I feel please.

No one understands how I feel inside. The stiff feeling of betrayal still fresh in my heart.

I feel like love has been replaced with hate. I have lost so much, and I'm called the selfish one. The broken one.

"Oh Emily are you on your medicine."

Ya as if you know me. I'm tired of keeping my feelings inside. I'm always going to write down and share with the world how I feel. Can't be defamation of character if you are sharing your feelings of a person. It has nothing to do with being angry, but emotions.

As authors and writers, we feel harder I think then the average person. I feel like I feel more harder then most.

If I could hide under a black hoodie I would just so I could hide my face.

"How's your mother?"

"How is your sister?"

I don't care anymore. They kicked me out of their lives. Does it ever matter anymore? My heart is just not into the pain anymore. I feel like disappointment is inevitable but I don't need to be looking for it.

"Emily you ate all the twix bars that a jumbo bag."

Ya same ol' woman shaming me for eating anything. I'm glad the only person who shames me now is myself.

I don't want to give others that power over me. To shame me anymore.

I don't want to shame myself anymore. I feel like I'm better off with bio mom not in my life. I did great last year without her in my life. I think I could do without her in my life.

Feels like the shadow of my past is like a shadow on a bright shinning day. I want the shadows to erase from the walls. But like emotional scars the shadows show us.

I felt lost on what to write so much so I have been watching live streams of shows. Try to figure out what to write as far as articles on Vocal.

Sometimes it feels like, I forget where I am. Now I remember and it feels good.

I feel like for the first time I know nothing about family dynamics. Until I married my husband.

I still feel the sadness but slowly coming out of it thanks to my husband.

So pretend they don't exist around us just little bees buzzing around us? I think this is the best thing to do. Only answer the questions of life about those who truly care about me.

I feel as though the respect is gone after the truth came out. I have lost all respect for her. Truth be known I blamed myself until then. Now I don't so much it's pretty easy to ignore others when my husband reminds me to remember this.

Everything changes when others see you differently. Even family, close family, and even strangers.

I am trying to look to the light, to remember the people around me are like buzzing bees gliding around me.

Nevertheless, the hard lessons will come later.