A Letter To My First Love

I’m 25 years old, turning 26 this May. Of course you remember that, my birthday is the only day you’d consistently show up for every year until I aged out of that privilege. Another thing that has stayed consistent is your dedication to disappearing for months at a time. But you always make sure that you don’t go missing for longer than 2 years.

The kids are all growing up so fast. Every milestone they hit, every birthday and holiday you’ve been amazing at not being there. Kairi starts daycare in June around your birthday and as soon as Novie turns 6 months I’ll be training to care for the disabled and elderly as a certified nursing assistant. A job you encouraged me not to pursue because you didn’t want me to become a mindless worker bee. You wanted me to chase my dreams. Maybe even wanted me to be like you; ditching all my responsibilities to chase my desires and dreams. At least my patients will all have one thing in common with me; being forgotten by their loved ones. I’ll use that to fuel myself with passion to make caring for them easier.

My relationship with my mom has taken a huge downfall. She’s having one of her depressive episodes where she locks herself away at home and hides from the world. She missed Novie being born because she was too scared to step outside to see it. She doesn’t want to admit to me that her bipolar disorder has crippled her from doing all the things we planned for the spring time. I’m sure she feels like crap and didn’t want to disappoint me. I get so excited talking to her about visiting me and going all over New York with the kids. Or even just going for a walk in the park near her house. I still appreciate that through her problems, she finds the time to pick up my calls and ask me how I’m doing. She fakes smiles and laughs all for the sake of making me happy and feel loved.

Mother’s day is coming up as well. All I want is for you to show up at my door with flowers. To tell me how proud you are of the woman and mother I’ve become. To see the kids and love on them the way I love them. I’d like to see you smile and laugh so I can take it all in, and hold the memory of you until the next time I’ll see you. Like I’m holding my breath under water waiting for your presence in my life to be able to come up and breathe again and again. I bet you didn’t know that is how much I need you.

Every time we come together from our separate worlds and meet you ask me something that only you ever ask. How’s your heart? I always lie and say it’s okay. In actuality, I struggle the most with the romantic part of my life. You’d think after all these years I put in of being in and out of relationships, I’d know how to have a successful one. I’m still pretty clueless. I love people with my inner child. Unconditionally. Being capable of loving like that in a generation like mine is the foundation for heartbreak. I’m not okay and my heart has taken a beating that I’m still recovering from.

I miss you but I’ve numbed the sadness that comes with those words. So much that when we come face to face I act like the disappearing act you’ve effortlessly mastered doesn’t affect me anymore. Because I’m grown now and the one thing you taught me without teaching me about being a mature adult is; you can’t change people that hurt you but you can love them from afar. So even though there’s a hole in my heart the size of you I still love you. I’m still excited to hear from you this year. I’ll still close my eyes and innocently wish this time when you remember to call me and say Happy Birthday sweetheart! Things will be different. That you’ll love me the way I love you. That you’ll be the father I yearned for my entire life.

Love,

The your only daughter.