365 Days +91.

The Betrayal And The Gut Instinct

As I sat on my couch writing, my husband made dinner. I looked over to the kitchen at the man I felt so lucky to have met with a distant look in his eyes. "Babe, what's wrong?" I said. He looked at me for a minute and replied, "I'm fine." I looked at him, perplexed for a few minutes, and returned my attention to my computer screen. For some reason, I had an ache in my heart, and a gut-wrenching feeling in my soul, something inside of me already knew. I looked at him again, his eyes fixed on the floor before him, I decided to turn myself toward him once again posing the same question. "What is wrong?" His eyes never leaving the floor he said to me "I didn't even want to come home tonight." I felt like a punch to the stomach, my cheeks feeling a sudden warmth, "Well, that's nice. Why would you even say something like that?" I said. He looked up at me for a split second, and said "Just letting you know how I feel." I took in a deep breath, the feeling overwhelming, and I had no other choice to ask the question. "Is there someone else?" I said, He stood there quiet, eyes to the ground, every second feeling like an eternity. I could not take the silence anymore, the silence answered the gnawing in my heart. "There is, isn't there?" I said loudly. His eyes again landed on me as he opened his mouth and said the word I dreaded to hear. "Yes, there is." Anger grew inside me like a volcano waiting to erupt. "Who is she?" I screamed, "It doesn't matter." He replied. "Is it someone I know?" I asked. He paused and finally said "No." I grabbed my phone, looking for anyone to save me from this nightmare, I texted mutual friends, I slammed my phone down, I looked at him, and saw red. "Well, I hope you made the right decision because she is all you have now," I said as he gathered his belonging and made his way out the door.

The Emotions Came Rushing.

For the next week, I was sucked into a vortex of betrayal, pain, and anger. I couldn't eat, sleep, do anything. I was mentally exhausted but found myself lying awake in bed randomly bursting into tears. I would have to drag myself through a shower, or work, just basic adulting tasks. All the meanwhile fighting with the voices in my head that this was my fault, that I should have seen it coming. How could the perfect man do something so imperfect? It made no sense to me, he was texting me earlier that day that he loved me, You don't do something like that to someone you love. Was it all just a lie? At 48 years old I found myself dumped back in the lonely hearts club, with the only alternative of dating again. I was horrified, I managed to grab the attention of men who at one time had a desire to be with me prior to my whirlwind romance that just blew up in my face, a single Facebook post created an influx of direct messages in my inbox. my forever was gone, taken by a homewrecking whore only known for a couple of months (I will get back to why I nicknamed her that later on.) Then a smidge of excitement rose inside me, I was single. a do-over, a new chance, I may be 48 but I don't look it, I look good, forever being complimented on my beauty, maybe there is someone else better for me. That thought quickly diminshed when all I could think about was my husband.

Coping

I needed to pull myself out of this, I am not the only woman who has been left by her husband, this isn't going to kill me right? I tried everything I could think of to erase him from my mind, I found myself watching youtube videos about subliminal healing, relationship therapists about moving on, and letting go. I made a 4 step plan, I am going to work on myself, get into shape, eat better, become the woman I want to be, finally love myself without needing validation from a man. I decided to add a daily reminder to not contact him, I took everything of value that he bought me and had a "My ex-husband is a POS sale" I reverted back to mourning the relationship I was in prior to him because I actually felt like trying to get over the man I knew since high school who had broken my heart more times than I can count, the man that I thought I had loved for more than 30 years would have been easier to get over than the man I was married to for 1 year and 91 days, and together for a total of 3 years. Surprisingly it started to work, I started to feel better, I was self-medicating which I had considered, I was doing it on my own. Granted I did have some help from my co-workers and a handful of friends, they are only able to do so much though. I was really going to pull through this though.

A Week Later

A week had gone by a full 7 days from the time he had left, I had done a good job of no contact, I was starting to feel normal again, and then suddenly I received a friend request from him on Snapchat. I didn't even know he had Snapchat, curiosity got the best of me and I agreed to add him, within minutes he sent me a "Hey" message, My initial reaction was WTF? I responded though. My husband and I did end up reconciling, I believe he did not actually cheat, he told me the homewrecker approached him knowing he was married asking for his phone number, apparently once she found out he was no longer in a relationship they both decided to remain just co-workers, I don't know who actually decided that, he claims it was mutual. I know some people may think I am stupid to think he never cheated but I do know my husband, and I do know how things began with the 2 of us, when we first met we had worked together, and we were both in relationships and although there was a connection all we ever did was have a conversation, and only at work, so yes I do believe him, I am still trying to rebuild the trust I had originally, it has been a long and difficult road, I do believe I have forgiven him, he knows I will never forget, we have been back together for the last 3 months, there are aspects of our relationship that are better now, and there are aspects we still need to work on, but we are both trying, and he has done nothing but prove to me daily how much a mistake he made and how much he wants to be with me. I still have dreams that it's going to happen again, frankly though I welcome them, the more I have the easier I feel it will be if it does end up being a reoccurance. Would I take him back again if he leaves? Absolutely not, and he knows this, if he ever leaves again it will be forever. Like the saying goes "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."