10 reasons why failing at suicide gave me a new lease on life.

10. Waking up/Morning routine. Who would have thought something as common as waking up every day would be cause for celebrating? It is. One thing I have been working on is being more mindful of the present moment especially upon waking up every day. Before my feet have even touched the floor I lay in bed and quietly visualize my day. I play out any and all scenarios in my mind all of which conclude positively and in the best benefit of all included. I finish up with some positive self talk about some of the things I'm grateful for. Then after waking up, brushing my teeth and drinking a couple glasses of water. I find a quiet spot in or outside where I can sit close my eyes and for the next 15 minutes I just sit and focus on my breathing. No thoughts, no worries, nothing but my breathing and silence. Blissful. My day has begun.

9. 2 M Therapy. Immediately after coming out of surgery and realizing what I had done I felt even worse then I did beforehand. I couldn't even die properly. I felt all alone. and laying in that hospital bed unable to move or go anywhere I started to Meditate. Then after a straight week of every day meditations in that hospital bed I needed a break, some relief from not only the pain I was experiencing but from the whole situation. As if answering some sub conscious prayer I was sending out I had a visitor, a visitor bearing gifts or even better a visitor bearing Brownies!! Which brings us to the second and equally important Marijuana. In the 2 years since i lived not a day has gone by that I haven't practiced the meditate and marijuana program. I am so very thankful I get to look forward to going within and growing every day.

8. Started to study and learn about "Mind Science". If there's been one new thing I have learned in the past 2 years its that our thoughts, feelings and emotions have more to do with how our lives unfold then any other thing in our lives. more then outside influences, other people, circumstances, anything at all. It all starts in the mind. Like literally everything you do in your life starts out as a thought. You wake up in bed and think about getting up before you actually do, When your hungry it starts as a thought in your head and as a result you manifest food to eat. Without getting too far off track I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to learn all this and i know that when I was at my lowest point if someone had came and took the time to tell me about this maybe I wouldn't have went thru what i did.

7. Campaign #FUCKFETTY. First off let me start off by saying fentanyl has not had a single positive thing come from it. In our city it has only brought death and destruction. It affects everyone to some degree. I'm sure that everyone who is reading this post either knows someone who has died by overdose or by suicide or knows someone intimately who is or has served a lengthy prison sentence because of this horrible drug. I say if my story can deter one kid from taking that first toke then that's worth it to me, but if my story can deter countless kids from taking that first and sometimes fatal first toke then that's a cause to important to not get behind.

6. My Kids. Now yes the most difficult thing about this whole experience has been the relationship with not only my children but my whole family has been strained to say the least. I have been basically walking around in a drug fueled haze for the last 6 years. I would rather stay high then have to sober up and have to deal with things. Just the fact that I'm still here to mend those relationships is something I'm so happy for. regardless of everything else I am their dad and when I was there I was a great dad. It gives me something to work with. I also find an honest heartfelt apology goes a long way if people know your being sincere.

5. Laughing until I cry. Here is a fun fact: fentanyl depletes the brains reserves of dopamine. Dopamine as we should know is the chemical responsible for making you happy. Hence fentanyl takes away your ability to be happy. Which explains why so many addicts turn to suicide and suffer major bouts with depression. One of the first things I began to notice was the return of my sense of humor. Anyone who knows me at all would probably say I'm one of the funniest people alive. Id have to agree. But seriously I remember one afternoon hanging with my youngest kid and I cant even remember what it was that he did or said all I remember is laughing and laughing and then he starts laughing and we are both sitting there cracking up and having tears go down our face. It was awesome.

4. Proving the haters wrong and being a success. Now I know this may come as a shock to some people who know me but even I have HATERS. People out there who would like nothing better then to see me fail. And Yes even you haters, fake friends and the like make me happy that I'm still around. As a matter of fact its you even more so then most because I am working my ass off everyday so that i can prove you all wrong. Anyone who said I would never amount to anything. Who said I'd always be a junkie or in jail or a loser. To all of you I say this. The best form of revenge is to show them that they and their opinions DO NOT MATTER. After all you know what they say about opinions. That they are like assholes. Everybody has one.

3. My Bucket List. One of the exercises I started doing after this whole experience was to make a bucket list. At first it was just to show myself that life was worth living and that I still had a lot of life to live. Then as I was doing the exercise and more and more things filled my list I realized that this wasn't just some metaphorical list. This was an opportunity for me to really live. So as it stands right now in my fancy bucket list book I have 95 items on their. Everything from Climbing a mountain. To getting blazed out on every continent. From donating a million dollars to walking my daughters down the aisle at their weddings. I am going to cross off everything on this list before I decide to go dancing with Mr. Reaper again.

2. Stand up Comedy. This is something that is on my bucket list from the previous entry but it is something very important to me. Comedy in all its forms has been a love of mine since I was a little kid. Whether it was me pranking my big sister by scaring her and throwing live Gartner snakes at her or It was me getting sent to the principles office for repeatedly interrupting class with my jokes. I have always loved to make people laugh. Actually I love to laugh and in the process more often then not everyone around me is laughing too. So that being said I am going to write and preform a stand up routine at some point in the near future. Not only am I thankful to be able to do this, I will donate any monetary earnings from said comedy show to charities dealing with addiction and mental health. Win-Win.

1. And the final reason why failing at suicide gave me a new lease on life is because now I realize that no matter how bad it gets, how low I feel that if I consciously change the self defeating limiting beliefs I hold in my head. I can change my life and so can you.