10 Million Little Things...

When a person has been through so much trauma there comes a point where the mind overthinks every little detail and every little interaction that hasn't become a commonplace occurrence. That too sometimes gets questioned in his or her mind. This is where I found myself this morning when I stepped out of my car to pump gas at my local gas station and a gentleman came strolling up to me but respectfully keeping his distance and said, "Mam, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but you are beautiful." I said thank you and continued pumping my gas as did he. He didn't say anything else to me while we were both going about the business of putting gas into our vehicles but my mind was going a thousand miles a minute from just that simple interaction. "He didn't go behind my car and put a tracker on it when I wasn't looking, did he? No, of course not, I saw him come out of the gas station.", "Am I really that beautiful? No, trust me, you don't want me. I mean if you could just hear me rattling off in my head right now you'd understand why.", "Damaged beyond repair that's what I am. It's best I'm left alone.", I had turned to put my wallet back into my car and my thoughts turned to, "Watch your back. Listen. He may try to attack you." Eventually, we both finished pumping our gas and then he bid me a good day and I did him as well and he left. A simple interaction and yet it brought tears to my eyes. As you've probably figured out by now I don't take compliments from the opposite sex very well anymore. I'm not sure how to perceive them. Are they disguises for something more sinister lying in wait just down the line? Is it a mask used to lure me in? To me, all a compliment from a man spells out is danger. You see, we've been down this path several times before and it always ends badly. I feel like a stray animal that's never been in a loving home before and doesn't understand how to accept love. My parents showed me love in the best way they knew how but to be honest, it was an obscured view as well, and now although I have a good understanding of what love should look like I don't trust that it exists at least not long term. And certainly not for me. When I receive a compliment I know what I should do is receive the compliment, perhaps say something nice back but in my mind, all I can do is look for danger and all I want to do is run. You see what you don't see is the 10 million little thoughts running through my mind, what you don't see is the 10 million ways I've done thought of how you've murdered me and buried my body, what you don't see or realize is the 10 million little things that have led to my PTSD and my trauma ridden mind, what you don't realize is the 10 million battles I've already had to overcome and the last thing I want to do is overcome another one, you don't know the 10 million mountains I've climbed just to get here, you don't see my 10 million little scars do you? You wouldn't I try hard to hide them. I've tried hard to overcome them, to shine despite them but there is one thing that terrifies me still. Please don't be nice to me.