Blue Valentine

If you are one to watch sitcoms and films on the regular, you might be forgiven for concluding slapstick, as a genre, had been somewhat on the way out since the days of Laurel and Hardy. But football fans know better. Especially those who support Tottenham Hotspur; a club who's own brand of defensive haplessness is its own sub-genre of comedy. One keeping visual gags and physical farce well and truly alive in the roaring 2020s.

Only two of the defensive five who started the drubbing at the King Power survived to tonight's kick-off. It was a heavily rotated defence. Yet, it seemed Spurs, as an entity, are designed, irrespective of personnel, to pick up exactly where they left off three days prior. The opening goal came swiftly - a long ball toward roaming left-back Theo Hernandez who out-jumped and out-muscled an uncharacteristically weak Romero. His shot, deflected at close range by Dier, was parried by Forster. It fell to former City player Brahim Diaz, who looked to have an easy tap-in, but was denied miraculously by Forster again. The second save is incredible and deserving of a clean-sheet, but Diaz was allowed another stab at our goal - and less than a yard out he simply wasn't going to miss.

Forster looked to the heavens for reasoning. Why had his heroics been punished? The answers he sought were laid on the ground, not in the skies. Perisic, the only man who'd been rushing to the line to defend, was slumped in a heap, if anything, impeding our goalkeeper, not helping. I've watched the replays a number of times now, I'm still not sure how he ends up on the floor. It was a mess. From everybody. I am reminded of the post-match dressing down Jose Mourinho gave to Vertonghen and co, picked up by the Amazon documenters. He lambasted a team that allowed Chelsea to take three efforts at goal in quick succession with the third being the eventual breakthrough goal. It was a similar one tonight, three strikes all in one 15 second play. Three strikes usually means out.

After it was announced Uruguayan stalwart Rodrigo Bentancur had been ruled out of action for 6-8 months through injury, one might have assumed the bulk of Tottenham's problems would originate in midfield. Skipp and Sarr made for an inexperienced potential pairing. But in truth, they held their own well. They fell short of controlling the pace of football, the field of play, but I doubt that was ever on the cards even with our first choice players available. Skipp was mostly reliable on the ball, passing quickly and accurately. His nouse to chase down opponents and occupy space was sorely appreciated and matched by his Senegalese team-mate. Sarr in particular thrived, winning an impressive contest or two for possession as he pressed.

Though our defence let us down in traditional fashion early into the match, they did manage to grow into the tie. Our biggest concerns were up front. Son struggled with everything that came his way, sometimes taking one step forward with a good touch or a burst of speed, but always taking one step back with a poor pass or a run into a red and black, brick wall. He did however benefit from AC Milan's insistence on defending set-pieces deep inside their own box. His dead ball delivery was as dangerous as ever and it seemed that if Spurs were to find a way through to goal, it would come from a free-kick from his boot. Kulusevski, though a work-horse, provided no invention and linked play poorly between Kane and Royal. Royal again was the best on his flank.

Every time Spurs came close to getting lucky with a shot in a scrambled Milan box, we were thwarted by a flag. From open play, Spurs were blunt. Alternatively, Leao, all game long, caused problems. He provides Milan what Son used to provide for Spurs. Pace, trickery, unpredictability and a near-unstoppable will to drive his side into the box. Son currently is the antithesis. Everyone knows what he wants to do and he doesn't seem to possess the ability to do it even when unopposed. In fairness, none of Tottenham's attacking five had a response to the unflappable low-block AC Milan employed. With an hour played, it seemed clear that a change was required, a roll of a dice, anything, any effort to turn fortunes in our favour. As the infamous proverb teaches, there cannot be a way without a will.

The change eventually came ten minutes later; one substitution - Richarlison coming on for a disappointing Deki. The next subs came in the 80th minute. This is another issue. Conte is too hesitant to compromise on his starting eleven, his initial vision. We seem to have had this problem since the Poch days, but at least managers of the past juggled squads weak in their quality depth. They had the bare-bones of an excuse. Watching £50 million players now years later, relegated to the bench week-in, week-out and midweek in-between, as spectating fans, gets under our skins. Our Italian stallion must be more flexible in the coming weeks. Even Kulusevski is beginning to look unsharpened. Could it be he needs a rest every now and then?

The final 10 brought with it some of the more exciting moments of the contest, but in reality, it was a largely dull affair. Milan twice squandered huge opportunities on the header, Dier took his turn from a corner minutes afterwards. If Spurs had scored an equaliser, it would have been unearned. If Milan had doubled their lead, it would have been a touch more deserved, but still harsh. One thing that became clear on receipt of the full-time whistle, was that these teams are going nowhere near the final in Istanbul. They are both lacking in confidence and creation. Milan, on this night, had the edge in competency.

I ache to see Kane playing deeper with Richarlison in front of him. I don't want to see the former Everton man relegated to bit-part cameos and shoe-horned into a winger. He leads the line for Brazil, surely he can do it for Spurs. Kane is our biggest visionary and most consistent passer. The squad currently lacks an attacking midfielder. The logic speaks for itself. West Ham at home on Sunday, that's what I want to see. As for Milan, this is half-time, not full-time. The deciding 90 will be played in London in front of 60,000 of our kin. AC will come to defend a 1-0. We must have another night like vs City. Our Italian opponents have built momentum at our expense. We have three weeks and four games to ignite our own.

Think of the next batch of Premier League outings as our warm-ups for the important upcoming cup games. That might soften the blow of our London rivals continuing to besmirch the name of our unnamed new stadium.