The Hardest Chapter of My Life

There it was, what felt like the end of an era for me, but it was simply one chapter finishing. In a short four years I had been shaped into a man and hardened and haunted by war. What I thought would be a lifelong career ended with more pain and bitterness than I knew how to handle. I had chosen to finish out my military contract and go my separate way. Always holding on to the dream of going to college and becoming an archaeologist, but I was unprepared for the next chapter of my life.

*

No one tells you about what comes after and the loneliness that follows leaving the military. Saying goodbye to friends you may never see again and losing your direction in life. I had become a man without a purpose and the months until school started were brutal. I had many long nights lying awake while drinking a six-pack of beer watching mindless Netflix shows. Insomnia was running the show and I was disassociating turning days into weeks. Eventually the money from paid leave ran out and I had to get a job. Who would want to hire a haggard veteran with dark bags under his eyes? Well apparently, washing cars was the job for me until Fall came around.

*

Eventually I began to make friends at work and felt somewhat sociable heading into university. I thought the loneliness couldn’t get any worse, but I was wrong. There I was sitting in class amongst my peers as the oldest and only veteran. I brought a unique perspective that others never really seemed to understand. I had seen more of the world than these young budding students, but I carried too many scars. Making friends was difficult and I managed to make few and far between.

*

The late nights continued, and I had trouble adapting to the constant pressure I felt on my neck. As if I were some creature at the bottom of the ocean being crushed. It was around that time that I decided I needed a companion of sorts and eventually adopted my first dog Freya. Freya was a ten-week-old puppy riddled with ringworms on her ears after being abandoned in the streets with her litter. She was a beautiful looking mutt with gray eyes. I fell in love at first sight as she cuddled up to me on that bench outside the shelter. I knew in my heart this was the dog for me and proceeded with the adoption.

*

Our first moment was her pooping in my car on the way home because I forgot to bring a small dog cage. Well, many of our first memories are of her pooping. I couldn’t help but chuckle as she pooped on me while walking her for the first time. She was a scaredy cat who struggled with anxiety just like me. In time I learned patience, and love from a puppy who drove me insane. However, I stopped staying up late dreading falling asleep, and she was always there by my side when I struggled.

*

I had finally found the strength and courage to close the chapter and transition to my new one. It hasn’t been easy on this journey and most days I still can't seem to put down the uniform. When I look in the mirror, I still see that haggard and broken-toothed soldier staring back at me with blood on his uniform. Always wondering when he would be needed again and hoping he never would.