The Decision

March 2012

I was 24 and had no idea what was in store for me. I liked not knowing as long as something was in store for me. I was daring life, daring myself, in fact;

Challenge me. Frighten me. Shock me. Do anything as long I stop sitting alone watching the world go dark.

All my life there'd been this aching sadness that the world was sped up around me whilst I was stuck, dragging through mud. Everyone had a purpose, a place, a path, a mission. I felt left out of life's fluctuation. The novelty of being a flight attendant had lost its lustre. The excitement of living alone died every time my guests went home leaving nothing but silence and a sink of lipstick-smeared champagne flutes.

My heart and pride were taking their time to heal after what happened with Alejandro 3 months before in Berlin. I'd moved back to Liverpool a year earlier with no souvenir except thoughts and deep, aching desires to be near him again.

I spent the year after moving back from Berlin dreaming about those last nights we spent together. An unfurnished, second-floor apartment on the East side, a stone's throw from Magdelenstraße. On uncarpeted floorboards we smoked well into the night. We sipped cheap, gullet-scorching merlot and assembled jigsaw puzzles by candlelight, stopping occasionally to kiss and talk at length. My heart filling with bubbles, veins humming melodies of sickly adoration never before experienced. We slept on a pile of sheets by the window. Looking back, I think he was squatting in this place.

I was in love with him. I spent the autumn and winter of 2011 in tears of loved-up confusion or romantic ecstasy that devoured my need for sleep and food. I worked and fantasised on autopilot, glowing and mildly emaciated. My chest would ache and immediately stop when a message came through from him. I was a slave to my own feelings. Shackled to the suspense of how this would work out. Addicted to the rush of internal fizz when he said he missed me.

Alejandro was crazy about me too. I took a flight out on September 30th 2011 and spent the weekend in Steglitz in his arms.

We visited one another a few times repeating our intense, loved-up ritual of being wrapped in one another, never leaving Alejandro's apartment.

This turned sour very quickly when Alejandro began voicing suspicions based on my delay in replying to text messages. A close friend and work colleague asked me on Facebook if I wanted to go on a drinking weekend in Jersey. Alejandro confronted me over the phone accusing me of not loving him based on this. The weekend my colleague suggested was near to Valentine's day and instantly translated to Alejandro that I'd rather drink with Jack than be with "the one I love."

I called him a possessive freak and hung up the phone.

We had many more arguments like this. He was impossible to reassure. Once suspicions arose, Alejandro refused to be anything but 100% right. To him I was a liar, an adulterer, arrogant and selfish. I was nothing. Nobody cared about me more than he did. Nobody but him was worth my time.

Determined to keep the peace, I let it all happen.

On New Year's Eve 2011 I dumped him. I was meant to celebrate with him in Berlin but forgot my passport - a blessing in disguise.

I never anticipated the heartbreak and confusion that followed. I walked on Crosby beach alone and tormented. (I was very dramatic back then).

I returned to my flat after every flight and sat in the silence thinking about him.

On 23rd March 2012, I made a decision and 7 months later found myself in Bangkok.

I was 25 and had no idea what was in store for me.