She loves you in her own way is what they like to say

Uncle Adam dropped us off in the city centre on his way to work. We emerged near the Wawel Hill, ready to climb the steep path to the castle. It was hot already despite the early hour, even in the shaded parts close to the stone walls towering over the path. Mother was keen on seeing as much as possible: the State Rooms, the Crown Treasury, the Cathedral. I thought that the crown jewels looked surprisingly garish and felt out of breath in narrow and gloomy royal crypts beneath the floor of the Cathedral. Their cold was a welcome respite from the heat though.

The entire morning passed with us two darting in and out of the castle to the increasingly sizzling courtyard. When we finally left the hill, we took the boulevard along the river towards the Old Town. The sun was glued to the sky directly above our heads. The air seemed to sizzle, almost palpable and irritating inside the nose like the desert sand. It was the first day of my period and I felt sore and weak, legs like wooden stumps after a few hours of walking. Fortunately, benches stood in regular intervals along the boulevard.

‘Could we sit down? I don’t feel well’, I said.

“Nonsense. You’re fine!’, my mother snapped impatiently.

‘You know my period started today and it’s so hot… I really need to rest.’

‘Oh, come on! It’s not far now, you’ll rest when we’re back. I won’t be late for dinner because of your whims.’

There was a fair in the Old Town. Colourful stalls took almost the entire Market Square and displayed all sorts of souvenirs. I tried to focus on mugs, shawls and magnets to forget the dull pain in my belly, the heaviness in my legs. My one cautious attempt at asking mother to buy me something to drink only managed to make her angry. She muttered something about what an embarrassment I was, always trying to make her spend money for stupid, unhealthy things.

The stalls lined the street even behind the Market Square and were all around us when we entered the green shade of the Planty. I was drenched in sweat by then. Everything swam in front of my eyes and my mouth felt stiff as I managed to blurt out:

‘ I really feel unwell. I need to sit down.’

Mother snorted angrily and rolled her eyes.

‘Always dying for attention, aren’t you? Such a drama queen! You’ll stop at nothing to embarrass me in front of people. Move on, we need to be back at three.’

She quickened her stride and I had no choice but to trail behind miserably, feeling faint and clumsy. The heat pressed down on my head and burned the skin under the t-shirt. Something strange started happening to my eyes. Everything looked hazy as if seen through a yellow mist speckled with black dots. I could hardly make out the trees, the pavement, the people around us. Through the dull buzzing in my ears, I could hardly hear mother’s excited exclamations as she darted from one stall to another and kept thinking aloud which jug or dappled rug to buy as a gift for this or that relative. I realised that I shouldn’t have mentioned sitting down again. My mother would try to prolong our stroll to the tram stop as much as she could now, purely to show me ‘who was the boss’ as she liked to say.

The only things I could see now were the pavement under my feet and mother’s blue skirt in front of me, quickly moving further and further. I clung to that image, barely aware of the crowd around us, focused on keeping my legs moving, on not getting lost. What would she do if I just sat down on the ground or collapsed there and then? There was no doubt that the punishment for being such an embarrassment would have been fierce. Or maybe she would not even notice and continue to the tram stop without me. I had no idea how to return to our lodgings on my own so ignored the pain and the nausea, and kept walking until I was able to slump down to a seat on the tram that carried us back.

Mother sat stiffly in front of me. Visibly offended, ostentatiously not speaking.

I couldn’t care less. My head felt strangely light and all the blood in my body seemed to have moved to the feet but I was grateful for the narrow seat, for the respite that allowed me to recover, for every hastily drawn gulp of air that reached my lungs.

‘We’re back!’, mother chirped happily when we entered the small flat again.

While she chatted to aunt Anna, I nipped to the bathroom and lay down on the floor with my legs propped up against the edge of the tub. The pain kept hammering my belly but cold tiles under my back were pure bliss.

I felt ravenous after that. Mother watched me steadily, almost without blinking, as I wolfed down the potatoes, the cutlet and the salad.

‘See, I knew there was nothing wrong with you!’, she grinned when I finished.

I stood up in silence. On my way towards the bathroom, I heard aunt’s concerned voice.

‘She looks rather pale. Is everything okay?’

‘Oh, it’s nothing really. Her period has started and she’s a bit moody, that’s all’, came my mother’s response.

I barely managed to yank the toilet seat upwards before I threw up.