Save One Bullet

Chapter 13

My first official date with Rick was interrupted by a call from Mom's nursing home. She had fallen and fractured her pelvis. An ambulance was bringing her to a nearby hospital. Rick wouldn't allow me to drive after three rum and cokes. Instead, he drove and decided to sit and wait with me to keep me company. He got his opportunity to be the knight in shining armor for me that evening and it was a refreshing change for me, who always had to deal with these things alone.

He and I hiked to the bank of elevators, found the correct floor, and followed the signs just like I was instructed. We settled in for what was about to be a very long wait. He didn’t seem the least bit concerned about losing a night of sleep, or whatever he might have had planned. We were too tired to talk much. But it was nice to just sit with someone who didn’t need to fill the air with talk about the details of his day.

Sometimes I thought maybe my husband, Tom chattered about work just to keep the silence away. Perhaps he thought that would keep us together and it was his way of reaching out and trying to connect with me. When he was agitated, he talked. When I was agitated, I became withdrawn and quiet. I should have listened to him more. Paid attention to what he was saying and paid attention to why he was always talking about his job to me. Evidence of my lack of interest in our relationship seemed to jump up and surprise me unexpectedly around every corner this week.

There was a coffee carafe in the waiting room, and an orderly came by to freshen it up and leave out condiments and cups leaving behind the grimy aroma of twice re-heated coffee. The ghostly quiet room was lined with comfortable chairs. Half of the chairs were filled with anxiously waiting relatives. It was after hours, so all the surgeries were unscheduled emergencies. There was tension in the air and more than a few tears falling.

For me, this was the same old, same old. Mom had taken to falling lately so this wasn’t my first emergency room rodeo. However, it was the most serious fall she’d had so far. Rick’s prophetic words from last night hovered over my mind, ‘when they begin breaking bones, that’s the start of the decline for older people.’ I sure hoped that would not be the case for Mom. Even though she had a rough life, and was frail now, I always saw her as a tough survivor.

Rick held my hand as I was inside my head, thinking of the care plan the home would have to put into place for Mom when she got out of the hospital. I may not be able to work as much as I had planned. There would be physical therapy, doctor visits, and walking aids. So much to think about on a tired, sobering-up mind. A tiny tear trickled down my cheek. Rick reached over with a calloused hand and swept it away, then reached over and put his brawny arm around my shoulders. I shuddered involuntarily at his touch, and he pulled away, thinking my reaction was negative.

“No. no. That’s okay. It felt good. I guess you surprised me. I’m used to doing all these things alone. It’s nice to have your company,” I assured him, pulling his arm back around my shoulders.

“You shouldn’t be used to doing these things alone, Tanya. Your spouse should be with you to share the burdens. What the fuck is wrong with your husband, anyway? Sorry. But, jeez, you know?” He said loudly enough to raise a few eyebrows around the somber room.

Just then, a doctor came out, pulling a green mask down to his chin, “Mrs. Nelson?”

I jumped up and he indicated that I should follow him down the hall. Rick motioned to me to go, and he’d wait. When the doctor led me to the Serenity Room I panicked. “Mrs. Nelson, I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but your mother passed away during surgery tonight. I think her body was worn out and the shock was too much for her. Is there anyone we can call for you? Would you like to spend some time with her? She is in the recovery room for now if you’d like I can take you there.”

I was stunned into silent tears. This brave warrior who had raised three girls and a silly drunken bum by herself had finally worn out her fragile body. All those years of taking double shifts at the restaurant and cleaning jobs on the side to make sure we all attended good colleges and babysitting her man-child husband. All for what? She never even got one good year of life after Dad died. She worked. She suffered. She died. It was all so unfair. So unfair.

I quietly followed the doctor’s bootie-covered footsteps down the hall to the surgical recovery unit, where my mother’s empty shell was waiting for me with the sheet up over her face. So stunned was I that it never occurred to me that my sisters needed to know. They had left everything up to me for so long that I forgot they were also her children. At that moment though, a certain bitterness passed through my soul. ‘No. No’, I thought, ‘I was the one who cared for Mom. I was the one who gave up everything to make sure she was taken care of. This is my time with Mom. This time was just for me and Mom. Screw them all.’

I knew it was selfish of me. I didn’t care.

I spent half an hour with Mom until an orderly came to take her body to the morgue. I told her everything that had gone on with finding out about Tom and his girlfriend and yelled at her for not trusting us girls to take care of ourselves. I yelled at her for sending us off to college to get Mrs. degrees instead of taking pride in our own accomplishments. Then, I cried over the life she should have had and the tragedy of the life she had settled for by not divorcing my good-for-nothing father. I promised her that when things were finally settled with her funeral, I was going to divorce Tom and take care of myself with the degree in education, which I had earned with my own sweat.

Having cried myself out, I wandered, like a sleepwalker back to the waiting room and, seeing Rick, began sobbing all over again. He ran over, took me in his arms, and rocked me until I was cried out. What a way to start a love affair, I thought. Not that my mind was on an affair. But, just in case.