Ruminated Riff Raff

“Come in for a minute.” A catalyst for one of the most malignant continuous series of moments I would endure in my lifetime. I was working on a music video for a controversial artist. I don’t know if I was called in because I was closest to the door at the time or if there was any forethought at all. Forethought is flattering but fleeting. I would like to think it was because I was closest to the door.

“This is costumes.” The production manager and office coordinators introduced us. Her costumes production assistant had something come up but it would only be a couple days. “When she gets back you can go back to office PA.”

I did not go back to being an office PA.

***

I removed three bags from the garbage bins after lunch. Dinner? Whatever meal the crew just had, I took out a couple of the bags to the dumpsters out back. Night shoots add to the roughness and lost track of time. Other assistants were gathering up the rest, cleaning tables, and putting things away. By the time I got back to put the new bags in the bins, someone was already on it. I headed for one of the rooms being used as a green room, wiping down the table about to prepare the room for costumes when she came bursting in – “I’m gonna get fired.” She whispered-screamed as she shut the door behind her.

“What?” “Don’t say anything. I lost his teeth.” “What?” “I lost his fake teeth.” “What?!” “For the next scenes!! I wrapped them up in napkins. I think a PA threw them away.” “Are you sure? Did you check the room? The other rooms? The tables in the studio?” “Yes, everywhere. And the friggin super PAs have already cleared everything.” It was a dig and not a compliment, but I took pride in my friends and coworkers. “Why’d you wrap them up in napkins?” “After the scene he took them out of his mouth and just handed them to me. They didn’t come in a case. It was all I had at the time. They’re excessively expensive.” She whisper-shouted a ballpark price that I don’t remember the exact number but remember thinking “Oh sh*t” and my face probably said it for me even though I didn’t say it out loud. She probably read my face when she added “I’m gonna get fired!” “You’re not gonna get fired. We just find them. How long til the scene they’re needed in?” “They’re gone! We’ve got like two or three scenes but they’re moving quickly through these last ones.” Say no more…

Strategically thinking if they were thrown away, which garbage bins were most likely the ones used, and what order did each PA go to toss them. I was already headed to the back alley dumpsters thinking all this when I saw it. A pile of garbage a lot larger than I remember when I left the two or three bags. There were now several piled high. I quickly walked back to the green room and shut the door behind me. “Stupid question, but do you know what they look like? If you saw the napkin?” Somehow she knew. “Yeah. It’s teeth!” Her look of “duh” quickly changed to “what the” as I took a deep breath in and sighed a heavy sigh, quickly heading back to the dumpster. I grabbed two bags from the pile on top that I thought most likely would have this man’s blinged out fake teeth and somehow nonchalantly brought them back to the green room and shut the door behind me. I looked at her, “I’m not digging. But it’s in one of these.” “How do you know?” “I know.” “How?” “Same way you know what teeth wrapped in a napkin looks like in a pile of other used discarded napkins. I JUST KNOW.” First bag, she dug in. Tossed a couple light-weighted napkins around. “Oh my God. No way.” Found it.

***

Our two weird compiled experiences collided into this compounded experience. It worked; it just clicked. Totally normal weird things that happen in TV and film. No one blinked an eye.