Next Chapter - Magnetic Love?

I have fallen deeply in love three times during my life so far, and they were all intense affairs that ended with unresolved feelings. The first time was with my ex-husband. It lasted over 28 years and was a rollercoaster of incredible proportions, marked by some great loving, caring and appreciation at the beginning, and resentment, anger, and frustration at the end. When we finally parted there were still a lot of attraction, but much sadness between us.

Halfway into my marriage, during a particularly rocky time of womanising by my partner, especially with my best friend, I took refuge with my sister abroad, and fell instantly in love with someone I didn’t even want to meet. George was incredible in his adoration of me and, though I too was deeply attracted, I was not yet mature enough to deal with this sudden onslaught of new emotions. My Catholic upbringing also ensured that, emotionally, a stamp of disapproval would have been put on anything which might have developed and I retreated in some confusion. I had no intention of leaving my marriage and the U.K and thus ignored my feelings – with some difficulty, despite George being steadfast in his pursuit of me. He even flew unexpectedly all the way from Canada to prise me away with a proposal in the classroom where I was teaching! Having seen his perceived ideal, he was not going to relinquish her that easily.

Though he was very resourceful and caring, I don’t think I was looking for another partner at the time. I didn’t know it then, but I was suffering the classic form of rejection and welcomed affirmation and attention, but got much more than I bargained for! From Canada he pursued me for a few years until he realised I was not going to budge. Fifteen years later, when I was single again, this fascinating man would, once again, unexpectedly declare his love for me. But I do not believe in going backwards in time and, as flattered as I was, I had already learnt the lesson he taught me. So I left well alone, opting for his continued friendship instead.

And then there was David.

Unfinished Business

I knew him for only two years of my life, after leaving my marriage, and fought off his attentions for three months before agreeing to meet him, but he had the most profound effect on me at the time, much more than I could comprehend. I suppose we had some unfinished business, because when we ‘parted’ it was in the most loving way possible. The moment was not an ideal one for us to fall in love because of our circumstances, but one can never dictate what will happen next in one’s life. So I accept it with grace and gratitude, because he came into my life at precisely the right moment.

For me, David is perhaps the love of my life. He inspired my first book on relationships (Money Sex and Compromise), but, even more so, he has inspired this important one, too. If I were to score him using the 10 Steps in my other relationship book, he would get at least eight, as well as scoring 90 per cent for satisfying my top five values! No one else I have met has come even close to that. In fact, we liked doing relationships quizzes, and always scored very highly with regard to one another, even when we did them separately. I recall writing in a diary one day that ‘David is 10 percent short of heaven’! I was incredibly happy during our friendship, just wanting to smile all the time, feeling alive and fulfilled. In short, he came close to what I regard as MY ideal soulmate, and might well, unconsciously, act as a litmus test for any others to come.

Tall, slim, distinguished and good looking, resilient, brainy and very successful, David was in a class of his own, because he knew who he was and revelled in being himself. Professionally, he knew what he wanted, and where he wanted to go, and worked steadfastly towards attaining it. He also knew what he stood for, and could defend it with a passion, but was happy enough in his own skin to allow me to be what I wanted, too, without feeling threatened. I remember the discussions we had regarding the impending Iraq war (he was for, I was against). I had a counterpoint for every point he made and he often found it frustrating when he failed to affect my views on the possible outcomes. However, at the end of each ‘debate’, after agreeing to differ, he would hug me, look deeply into my eyes, tell me how ‘beautiful and intelligent’ I was, and that he just wanted to love me. It was an amazing relationship of reciprocity, mutual reinforcement, and mutual affirmation.

Two Magnets

Best of all, the physical chemistry between us was often overpowering, we just wanted to touch and hold each other all the time. As he said, we were like ‘two magnets’ unable to keep themselves apart from one another, feelings that generated great passion and excitement between us. The emotional bonding being unusually deep, it fuelled an intense desire to communicate and connect with each other at every possible moment. We spent hours on the telephone each day. Even when I went to visit my sisters in Jamaica for four weeks, the calls continued almost daily. By the last week of my holiday he was missing me so much, the length of the calls had stretched to over an hour every day!

The intellectual fit between us was outstanding too – an engineer with his logical and analytical approach, firmly rooted in inanimate form and structure, matched easily with the social fixer, her love of people, and adept skills in social interaction. We complemented each other superbly in many other ways. He liked to challenge my views on fate, destiny, and spirituality, in order to gain a greater understanding of them, and to convince himself of their worth, while I also challenged his seemingly cold mechanical and pragmatic view of the world. Considering that we were both in our mid-50s, and virtually ‘chalk and cheese’, this was some incredible, unexpected love affair: across cultures, across race, and across perspectives. We behaved like teenagers, enveloped in the sheer joy and passion of such a satisfying relationship – a kind only dreamt of at this late stage of our lives.

We had few expectations of each other, allowing for individual growth and the unfolding of our characters without seeking to change anything in each other. We accepted our faults and foibles as part of the overall attraction. They were key parts of our personalities which made us the unique people we were. We also liked the flexibility to appreciate the imperfect within us. David was the most skilled interesting listener I had come across and seemed to truly revel in his curiosity. He appeared to be exceedingly interested in everything I did, never forgot anything he heard, and was always back with a follow-up question. He took great pride, and a keen interest, in my work and my aspirations, always wanting to know the details of my day, or the state of the latest project . Nothing was too good to do for me, or to give me. He also liked to suggest an alternative solution to any dilemma, especially if he felt I needed one. We respected and trusted each other greatly, often discussing former partners, and what they had taught us. There was also his wonderful dead-pan sense of humour, his devilish chuckle, and mesmerising green eyes.... but that’s another story! I felt truly wanted, appreciated, and loved.

Most noticeable of all, the relationship between David and myself was marked by total reciprocity – mutual giving and affirmation. I learnt the true meaning of that word through our love, and it was quite an experience for me to give and receive in equal measure. I felt total excitement when dealing with him. His encouragement was so inspiring. He wanted everything I had to give him, and returned it in abundance to me, and the experience was awesome.

We did not live together, and I remember an occasion when he was visiting me after work, travelling on the motorway from Bristol (where he lived), and a lorry overturned halting his journey. He was only 12 miles away from the city, but he refused to turn back. Three hours later than planned, he pulled up outside my door. He came inside, stopped for a moment, looked at me lovingly, and with a great smile of achievement on his face, said tiredly, “While I was stuck on the motorway, I did wonder why I was putting myself out at this time of the evening to see you, after a long, hard day at work. Then I arrive here, and look at you, and I know why.”

Since we both liked our own time and space, it was magical when we met. Being with him was passionate and exquisite. Often we would just sit, or lie together, and stare at each other for ages in a kind of wonder at what was happening between us, unable to fathom the intensity of the attraction. But that is the truth about love and reciprocity – we feel fantastic because of it, and will go to the ends of the earth for those we love. Nothing is too difficult to do for them. When we don’t want to oblige, that signals a rocky road of resentment and disappointment ahead.

Key Inspiration

I have made much of David’s positive points, which might imply that he was perfect, or that I wore rose-tinted lenses. However, we were firmly rooted in reality. Indeed, he had quite a few irritating faults, and so did I.

For example, he could be intransigent when he wanted to be, and I could be equally stubborn. We just didn’t dwell on these faults. We might comment on them jokingly, but we preferred to celebrate our strengths because the relationship was so powerful. That is also the point of connecting together, namely mutual celebration, not to put each other down, or focus upon our weaknesses. He was satisfied with the way he was and did not wish to be any different, and I was satisfied with me too. Bu this was not always the case.

When I first met him he was an unhappy individual who whinged a lot, impatient and quick to complain! I guess he suddenly came upon a type of love he had never had before; one that astounded, excited and frightened him in equal measure. He always said that he did not deserve such love and affection, and I was too besotted with him, but he was secretly thrilled with it and responded in kind. For my part, I was not very happy when we first met, because of my marriage separation. I was more prone to depression and feeling sorry for myself. But his presence and attention gradually changed all that.

He lived a comfortable, affluent life, after having fought his way from some serious setbacks. For this reason he was also full of fears about his future, too afraid to take any life-changing decisions which might alter his material balance in any way, especially at his age. This meant that, while I gradually felt energised by such a warm and encouraging individual, believing that, with the right person beside me, I could move mountains, his past negative experiences and personal fears blinded him to what was possible. This led to opposite views on our future. It took me a while, but I learnt to appreciate the differences in our perspectives, and respected him for it.

He will always love me, he kept saying, and the fact that he is the key inspiration for two of my books, speaks volumes for his effect upon me. We were besotted with one another, yet couldn’t explain it. So I spent the first few months after our separation working out the ingredients of such an amazing love match, identifying what really lay behind it, and came up with the 10 successful relationship steps I turned into a book.

Separate Ways

We ceased our friendship after nearly three years, not because our love had diminished in any way, but because we needed to move such deep feelings on to another level. We couldn’t agree on the new direction, and agreed to differ. It was a most difficult time for us. He described it as ‘very traumatic’ being away from me in the first few months.

Our love was so strong that, while the average romance is heady in the first six months or year, then cools to something more realistic and routine, ours just kept growing, getting better and better, never leaving the ‘honeymoon’ stage at all, even after more than two years of seeing each other!

Will he be come back into my life? A few years have passed since then, so I don’t expect him to, and I am very happy with my current partner. Some people are just guides to our purpose, and the baton has to be passed on. We would also make a great professional team, because his skills would certainly complement mine. But, as we are both constantly evolving, any reunion would depend on where we are in our lives at that point in time. However, by then, our individual evolution would mean that we are likely to be two different people, needing different things for our fulfilment, and might even have met other ideal soulmates, too.

I have moved on with my life, with someone else sharing the rich love and emotion I have to give. For me, the huge difference between the pre-David and post-David era is that, before I met him, I was feeling negative, low, and confused about who I was, and where I was going. I felt like a victim – loveless and unsure of what love itself really meant. After my time with him I knew who I was, where I was heading, what I wanted for my life and, above all, what I wanted from love and a relationship – a very powerful change that has benefited my current relationship.

My friendship with David has shown that the best approach is to allow our relationships to unfold, without too much prediction, or too many expectations, while being prepared for any outcome. We are likely to be very surprised while learning a lot.

For example, while my ex-husband was my ideal soulmate for nearly three decades, David was in my life to teach me something new, and to lead me out of a crisis. I knew we wouldn’t be permanent, even though I hoped he would be, because he was in transition himself. I also did not wish to settle with someone so soon after my long marriage. I have thus learnt that lesson of love, and am now passing it on. Though I did missed him, I appreciated what we had without any rancour, because I benefited from having him in my life and understood why it was not to last longer. He has no animosity towards me either, always affirming me in every way, and commenting on what a ‘remarkable person’ I am. I assume he greatly appreciated my presence, too, and gained significantly from it, despite his ‘traumatic’ feeling about the end.

Main Reason For Closeness

If I could single out just one reason for our closeness I would say it was our values. We shared almost the same values in our perspectives, with enough difference to make the relationship interesting, and to keep it fresh. We both love discussions, as well as periods of solitude. We both believed in respect for the individual, and making a difference to our world in some form by supporting and empowering others. We were also very confident individuals, who appreciated each other without feeling any form of jealousy, or competition. We celebrated one another as special people, and always affirmed each other daily without fail. Above all, we were very loving individuals, who just wanted to share that love with each other, spontaneously, at every opportunity.

Sadly, many couples have compromised their values to such an extent, they are not even sure of what they want or stand for anymore, and are perpetually unhappy in the process. But when we lack our core desires, or go against those important beliefs, we can seldom feel good about ourselves.

POSTSCRIPT - Letter to David (Sent a year after being apart)

My Dear David

Tonight I read something which challenged me greatly and so I thought I would rise to the challenge. It came from Dr Wayne Dyer's Real Magic book and this is what it said:

"What do you have to give away? Keeping in mind that your purpose is always about giving, loving and serving in some capacity, regardless of what vocation you have chosen, this question of what you will be able to give away as your purposeful mission is paramount. It does not take any extra special intelligence to know the simple truth. You cannot give away what you do not have. If you don't have love, harmony and peace within you, then you simply cannot contribute those qualities. So what do you have to give away?"

Fired up by his challenge, I asked myself his question, especially as we are apart, delving deep within my subconscious, past my natural defences, and came up with something even more surprising: 25 things I noticed about you, some of which I wasn’t even aware of when we were together and didn't even realised I had noticed and kept them in my subconscious. 25 things I never realised I loved about you. 25 wonderful things you perhaps don't even know you possessed!!

Well, my dear David, I hand them over now freely with all the love I have ever had for you.

Enjoy!

E xx

25 Things I Love….About the Man Who's Captured my Heart!

1. His sensual, tactile, loving nature
2. The sound of his cheeky little chuckle
3. His constant encouragement
4. His genuine care and attention
5. His never-ending curiosity
6. His amazing listening skill
7. The way he says 'I love you' and means it
8. The kisses he blows over dinner
9. The way he constantly smiles at me in wonder
10. His rivetingly deep green eyes
11. His kisses on my neck when I am cooking
12. The way he gazes at me lovingly
13. His wide all-embracing smile
14. The long sweet chats on the phone
15. The way he says “Yes, My Darling”
16. His long, warm close embraces
17. His constant communication and discussions
18. His unselfishness and generosity
19. His unending vision, creativity and talent
20. The way he shares my dreams and aspirations
21. His confidence, determination and infectious enthusiasm
22. His amazing intellect
23. The silences between us that need no words
24. His quirky humorous asides
25. Just being himself, a truly wonderful, loving being.

And the last words go to Dr Dyer again:

"Just for a short period of time replace doubting and fearing with knowing and trusting. All your doubts are obstacles inhibiting your entry into the kingdom of real magic….Look at the life of the doubters and ask yourself if that is what you want as a model for what you can achieve. Then look at the lives of the 'knowers' and see the difference. The knowers are out there making a difference in their lives – exercising, being healthy and shocking the world with their grand accomplishments. The doubters are generally sitting around behaving in their accustomed role of critic."

I would just like to add: Cheers David. You were there when I needed you most, and I will never forget it. Heartfelt thanks for being in my life, and for teaching me so much in such a short time just by your unselfish love, encouragement, and affirmation. I hope you are having the time of your life, too, and I send you love and best wishes in achieving your heartfelt dreams!

Elaine xxx

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