If You Can Tame Your Smartphone

This is a poem written for my late father. He was almost 94 when he died and for a number of years he struggled with technology. It would be wrong to call him a technophobe - if you take it to mean someone who fears technology. It was more the case that he just couldn't get to grips with even the simplest devices. The phrases "technically challenged" or "technically illiterate" might describe him better.

The poem is a parody of Rudyard Kipling's "If".

If You Can Tame Your Smartphone

If you can conquer apps without confusion,

And text your friends with words both clear and right,

If auto-correct does not cause an intrusion,

And every emoji adds just the right delight;

If you can video chat with grandkids smiling,

And capture selfies without blur or skew,

If every swipe and tap is truly beguiling,

And all your photos are in perfect view.

If you can send an email neat and nifty,

Without your glasses, and no typos seen,

If you can find a hotspot that’s always thrifty,

And know just what each notification means;

If you can FaceTime calls without dismaying,

And mute your phone when meetings come around,

If you can download apps without delaying,

And never lose your favorite playlist’s sound.

If you can silence all those noisy warnings,

And find the settings with a single click,

If you can navigate the web each morning,

And troubleshoot when something goes amiss;

If you can scroll through feeds without obsession,

And keep your contacts perfectly in line,

If you can master each new tech progression,

And never need to call tech support in time.

If you can laugh at memes that grandkids send you,

And send them back a gif that makes them grin,

If you can keep your cool when screens offend you,

And still stay patient when updates begin;

Yours is the world of tech and all its wonders,

Yours is the joy of staying sharp and keen,

And—you will find—despite the phone’s small blunders,

A new world waits where you’re forever seen.