"A chaotic life is the result of chaotic choices" -Alafia
This quote shot an abrupt woah moment when I read it for the first time through a self given reading with my oracle cards. First couple of reads, the quote was disagreeable because there was no belief of my life holding space for chaos until the definition was seen with clarity. Chaos is a state of utter confusion. That landed me exactly where I've been dwelling in, a reality of confusion. A reality of discomfort through poor choices constantly chosen.
From disbelief to partial nonacceptance I thought to myself, now why would something be presented if it was not true when searching for answers. In my most recent (ended) relationship I can admit to my chaotic decision making of breaking up and getting back together. This chaos was faced for the whole year and a half solely from not listening to my Ori.
At 8 months pregnant the baby in womb had a message for me (delivered through a friend), needing me to be the most honest I've ever been before about all of my decisions. "Whenever you feel you have to make a decision be the most honest...the honest truth of it is what are you feeling? Where are you sitting with it right now?". Although that message was for me moving forward, it had me reflect on my past decision making and how they have not been truthful or honest in how I originally felt.
Although feelings are valid, I do believe they can be mislead depending on the mental state and emotional maturity of the individual. Often times what I felt being presented to me early on in my relationship got altered by the chaos, the confusion. The confusion uprooted from invalidation, misunderstanding, delusions, and lack of emotional maturity not just from me, but my partner as well.
Initially, in the beginning of the relationship I felt indifferent of my partner because of our values and beliefs being far from the same so I ended it, but soon after we were right back together. CHAOS was created from that action because of the mistrust in self, the indecision to leave or stay, and the ignoring of my intuition. Not only did the created chaos confuse me, but him as well moving forward.
That relationship brought many reflectors after the ending not just for that one, but previous relationships as well. I've took note of how I became a chaotic woman through the past 5+ years from not knowing myself, limiting my worth, plus not fully voicing my wants and living through them personally. It also had me realize being in on and off relationships was partially my norm. That literally just helped me understand why I had no problem ending that chaotic relationship 3 - 4 times with little concern of how it would affect my partner.
Repeated cycles became apparent and LOUD, being shown to understand my worth through internal work rather than wanting it externally through male partners. Repeated cycles created through codependency making room for emotional destruction, wanting to be needed, and constantly loosing myself through unnecessary sacrifices. Repeated cycles of neglecting my intuition creating mistrust in self, making me vulnerable to manipulation, and anxious energy. Repeated cycles of setting the tone with lustfulness and allowing sexual relations early on. Repeated and emotionally exhausting cycles of not speaking up despite the uncomfortableness to confront any issues.
My therapist helped me take recognition of the ignorant picture I painted through lies of me being alone to focus only on myself. There was always some male entertainment within arms reach. I can now acknowledge with confidence this is my time to walk the path of love, respect, and truth completely alone for my ascension.
Thank you Adonis for assisting me in my awareness of decision making to be honest and honor how I feel. Thank you to my friend for teaching me through showings of honesty, truthfulness, and discipline. Thank you to the repeated relationship cycles for highlighting my vulnerabilities and coming to an end !
About the Creator
Azrie'l Johnson
Increasing my power through vulnerability to heal, shift perspectives, free myself, and allow my cherished "reputation" to dissolve
If my writing moves you in anyway, I am open to receive any exchanges through loving comments and or tips 💚
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More stories from Azrie'l Johnson and writers in Chapters and other communities.
Truth be told
What's most important to me as a boy mom of three is keeping a honest, healthy, and emotionally connected bridge between each child. As someone who grew up without supportive and healthy emotional connections to parents and siblings because I was too emotional and sensitive, that is a personal mission. It has been quite uncomfortable and challenging for me with my children, oldest specifically because he is me (emotional and sensitive). You're probably wondering well shouldn't it be easy to give what I didn't receive and I have been wondering the same, but no it has not been that easy unfortunately. Has it gotten better? Yes! Does it wither? Yes! Am I giving up? Hell no!!
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By Lamar Wiggins2 days ago in Fiction
Comments (1)
Very good! Wow!!